I just really need to say this somewhere.

I am fed up with having ASD, learning disorders, OCD, and selective mutism. They have literally ruined my life thrice over, and everybody acts like they're superpowers because I'm a girl.

I am fed up with the UK's law enforcement. All they do is enable abusers and terrify victims. I was only 11 and 15 when they spent months intimidating me and threatening to arrest me for being victimised by adults. They walked in on my dad beating my mom several times and let him off the hook every time because they 'could not do anything.' They let my groomers and rapists off the hook, too, because they 'could not do anything,' even with LOTS of image, text, and video-based evidence.

I am fed up with the UK's medical professionals. After I set boundaries and stood up for myself in therapy, my nurse falsely reported me to social services (because my boundaries hurt her feelings), accusing me of paedophilia because I vented to her and my therapist about my OCD. (I had a theme centred around developing paraphilias through contamination.)

I am fed up with the UK's social services. My first social worker cut contact with no explanation, and my new social worker just keeps lying to me and making false promises. She went complaining about me to my mom, too, because I told her I don't like or dislike her, too.

I am fed up with my 'SEN tutor.' She literally just sent me free courses, and told me to pick one and let her know how it goes. I've already tried 17 courses and failed all of them because my brain couldn't grasp or process the information relayed to me, and she knows that. She was supposed to help me, explain things to me, and etc, but she isn't.

I am fed up with 'safe spaces.' They are never actually safe. I just got banned from the only space I could safely express myself for going too far by saying I think rapists deserve the death penalty, even though others also said it and didn't get banned. And I don't understand why what I said was wrong.

And finally, I am fed up with being lesbian. I love women, and I never want to be straight, but there's just so many problems that comes with being lesbian. I have been set up to be sexually hate-crimed by my own family (it happened four times whilst everybody laughed and stared at me crying and screaming), and they have been calling me a predatory, rapist dyke since I was 10. They hate that I'm exclusively attracted to other females, so they choose to believe that my auitsm makes me aromantix/asexual instead. They haven't given me affection since I was 10, either... Nobody has.
Lesbian erasure is at an all time high right now, and there are people—left, right, and centre—claiming lesbians like men, or that men can be lesbians, in real life and online. And now we can't even speak out about it without being called a terf, harassed, stalked, and threatened. Not to mention the constant pressure and coercion of lesbians to date and have sex trans-identified males in order to prove allyship. This was expected of me at only 13.

I just want to be a normal lesbian with 2 - 3 friends and a girlfriend who is actually a woman, not a dysphoric man. I just want a peaceful life. I'm so tired of being disabled; of feeling afraid, anxious, exhausted, and paranoid all the time; of living in a constant state of despair. I want all the bad people and thoughrs to go away. I want to be able to speak and function normally. I've struggled with self-harm and suicidal ideation for so long now.

My dad is a pedo, stalker, woman/child beater/attempted murderer. My older brother raped a baby. And no, my male relatives aren't in my life anymore, but the female ones aren't much better. My mother abused me and neglected me when I was little, changed when I was around 14, and is now developing dementia. My older sister has tried to gas herself, her kids, and her boyfriend to death three times.
School was horrible, too. Teachers forcefully held my hands together to make me pray, screamed at me and slapped me for my autistic symptoms, but they just gave the boys hugs, ipads, or sweets to bribe them into behaving. They deemed me a problem child and kept denying my disabilities because of me being female, and even though I spent most of the day sobbing (behind the class bookshelf or in the corner of the yard), they never did anything or offered support. They just shouted at me, physically grabbed me, and tried to force me to sit at my personal table at the furthest back corner of the class. I was bullied all throughout primary, too, and teachers just let it happen. They blamed me, too, when a boy literally sliced my arm open with glass. They didn't even stop the bleeding or help me, but I was only 8.

I've never had a friend. Haven't been touched with good intentions in nearly 8 years now. I just want a hug from a safe woman who won't hurt me or touch me inappropriately. I wish I had a good childhood where people fed me, played with me, and didn't break my toys or make me share beds with strangers. I was such a good girl, I deserved that.

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Els Other June 04, 2025 at 2:08 pm 2 0