i feel tired

i'm realizing again that the few friends i have (other than one) don't care about me and only want to talk to me when it's convinient for them. if i left one day, they wouldn't care and they wouldn't miss me. this isn't me being pessimistic either, i've realized this multiple times in the past and it's true. i've always struggled with romantic relationships for multiple reasons (including never knowing my own feelings), so having these close friendships is really really important to me. the thing is, i actively feel sad when i'm with them because i see them make plans without me, or tell me they can't hang out, or priorotize someone they just met over me. they don't ask about how i'm doing. i've tried cutting off these people before, but when they're gone and i have nobody to talk to it gets worse. instead of feeling active sadness, i feel empty and fall into what i would consider a depressive state. i would have nobody to talk to all day, and feeling so alone would cause me to fill up my time with mindless activities like doomscrolling on social media. when i get into a state like that, i find it hard to have any motivation. my days turn into a blur and my grades start slipping.
another incident happened recently, and what they did absolutely broke me. i "cut them off" again. it's been about 4 days and i already feel like absolute shit. i've trusted these people since i was 10.
if you're wondering about me making new friends, i have tried. i'm a very shy/anxious person when it comes to new people, and it's almost like my peers can sense this. i live in a small community where difference is not easily accepted, and i am constantly feeling the impact of this.

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liza Friends April 07, 2025 at 11:00 pm 2 0