i feel like a failure

This is my first time properly ranting on a laptop hehe. This past week, school has just been so hectic. I think I might be burnt out from extracurricular. Today when i tried to do some work, I didn't feel as connected to it as I used to be just a few days ago even though I had only properly started it just a week ago. My workload isn't as much as my peers but it can get quite annoying at times. But this isn't really about this anyways.

I like history but I hate it when i have to memorise so many facts and then have to regurgitate them all out. I prefer to not memorise but to understand the information but to understand need to memorise haha. I had to write my answer on the board and basically i got most of it wrong. Getting the question wrong really got to me because I felt so confident and proud of myself for doing it not the day before I need to hand it in. SO i cried. i know, how childish of me. I guess my ego took a hit and I couldn't accept it. I know my teacher wasn't scolding me and she only had pure intentions. I cried in the class and she noticed. She didn't directly mention my crying but like it was obvious lol. I wanted to apologise to her.

Yesterday, we had history again. I came into the class slightly late as I had an appointment with the school counselor, just talking about how things were going and like ranting abit and getting a teachers POV on things. My peer who is the president of said extracurricular brought back certificates and a file type thing to put the certificate in for our installation next week. 2 of my peers helped. At first i hesitated helping them but I felt bad so I asked for some to help. Fast forwarding cause lazy. the previously mentioned teacher got mad cause we were doing the certificate thing. She is very justified and I also feel bad. I also regret doing it and should've not participated in helping her. Well I cried again and it was much more noticeable i guess. Tears were streaming down my face like a waterfall and i told my class teacher that i was heading to the counselors office. I basically cried for almost 2 hours. I am not kidding. I also talked about other things as well but I wont get into that.

Today's problem is I think I am so fucking annoying. I barely contribute and bring anything to the table. I push people who are annoying me away because like they are like kind of overstepping my boundaries. I wish I was a better person who knows better. I wish I was a better daughter, granddaughter and friend. I just hope everything will turn out fine. I don't have as many positions as I did 3 years ago :/.

I envy my friends a ton. My love life is basically wrecked but actually I feel alright with the peace lol. I don't have to text someone every day. I can go one day without speaking to anyone (exception for my mom lol). Its actually really peaceful. If anyone has read this far, Thank you for reading this. If you are struggling with a break up or separation, know that every thing will be all right and you can be comfortable being alone.

Speaking of relationships, I'd like to share my dating history. there are 4 people, 1, 2, 3, and 18.

I didn't really like 1 at first. He actually confessed to me a few months before I liked him but I rejected him. I guess I liked him because he was the more attractive guy in my class. Our friendgroup played video games so we spent majority of our time together with our friends. The high point came when we were invited to a friends birthday party. I thought he looked quite handsome that day and yea. I became more engaged and we talked privately more often. One day we indirectly confessed to liking eachother. My mom found out and i tried playing it off as just friends only. of course mom always know. how she found out you may ask. It was because my instagram account was logged into her phone and she got the notification.
The relationship was actually quite chill but since it was my first i was super clingy. COnstantly sent him videos of my cat walking around the house as soon as i got home from school. thinking of it now, if i was in his position i would have broken up with myself a long time ago. nearing the end of our relationship, he got super distant and i was getting worried thinking he might've died. So overkill ikr hahaha. I spammed him all day every day. He broke up with me. We remained in contact until 2021. I changed schools.

Next is 2 and this is a rollercoaster. Didn't think much of him either but like he played the same game as me and I helped him alot. He actually liked 2 of my friends but i liked him too. One night, i got brave. i sent him a tiktok calling him a cutie and he called me a cutie too. I was thinking does he like me? I asked my friend that he likes or liked before idk nd she asked him and he say he didnt like anyone. i got ballsy and asked then i confessed to him and he was like give me a few days. few days pased then he like accept me lol. It didnt last that long but we "talked' for a long time so i had very strong feelings eventhough i barely saw his face. Here's the worst part ladies and gentlemen. I saw his face when he had to turn on his camera (covid era) and i was like EW WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO? Honestly I should've broken it off that day but I was like I cant be mean and he's already with me.

Fast forward, i had to go to another state for some event. Luckily online classes was still on so i could attend eventhough I wasn't home. On the first night he pissed me off so i wanted to prank him. i sent him "....." after he said something that annoyed me. SO powerful. I went on to have dinner and when i logged on to discord my previously mentioned friend said he was overthinking about me and thinking that I'd get back with my ex eventhough it has been a year since and I do not have any contact with him. He got very dry and i thought he was angry with me. on the third day i bought him a bracelet and my friends bracelets too. i showed him the bracelet and he was like " I. dont wear bracelets" CAN YOU BELIEVE IT????????? WHAT A BITCH. on the way home he didnt reply to my messages so i asked his friend if he didnt like me anymore and basically we like broke up indirectly. i was so sad i cried for like 4 months every. single. day. I wish I was joking. He invited the previously mentioned friend into the server and they got close. I got jealous. It was as if they were dating but she said they weren't. During that 4 fucking months bro broke no contact several times to try and get back together with me. being the stupid naive me i accepted but he kept going back on his fucking word. I am not lying he really texted me so many times and even asked for my game account password cause he wanted to play a character i had in my account.

I got over him eventually but feelings lingered nonetheless. fast forward few months and we were talking again cause we hung out at an amusement park one day. He liked me again and kept confessing to me and i rejected. Eventually i liked him again and we dated AGAIN. stupid right? Months passed and then he started being close with the same friend again and they were like sharing earbuds and stuff like what the hell. standing close together and shit. i got mad and tried to set boundaries but he couldn't accept it and said it was his way of friendship. but that week he did that (standing close to her) was actually the week we formally got together and the relationship lasted one week yall. NOT EVEN ONE WEEK! continue next time
Du

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m School March 07, 2025 at 6:55 am 2 0