I Died at 12

Why can't I be living just freely? Is a world where you live happily and contently THAT HARD?

Right now, I feel pressured. More than just pressured–I feel anger, anxious, and sad. I'm nearing to finish my college degree soon and I am expected to help my younger sister right after I graduate as she enters her college studies. To be honest, I kind of expected it in the first place and that's the reason why I took up education as it is the most accessible degree I had. I also study in a state university so that my parents would not mind about huge tuition fees and other stuff. However, why does it hurt when they tell you themselves that you can help your sibling right after graduation? I mean, I knew it in the beginning but, turns out it still hurts. I also think about my youngest sibling who's still in her 4th grade because when my 2nd youngest sibling go to college in the city, she'll be left alone in the province with my grandmother. Our youngest already grew up only with us, her older siblings, and yet now, she will be alone. I don't want her to think that she's alone and left behind. We are only three and yet we will be away from each other. You see, my 2nd sibling plans to go to a private university which is surely costly. And even though she might to a state university, she will still be away from our youngest and that worries me a lot. Moreover, I also have commitments and scholarship that I need to settle right after graduation so I don't know how I could help my 2nd sibling on that time.


More importantly, how do I tell my parents that I might be failing at uni? I have been failing my majors and I'm so afraid that I couldn't keep my scholarship. I am a Math Major but it's not really something that I am passionate or interested in. Its just that, this is the one that is accessible to me, so I just took it up. Anyway, they don't know all my struggles because they really don't care about what's happening in my life or whatsoever. Even though I tried to communicate multiple times, it only gets to be disrupted over and over again or even I couldn't get a chance to try at all. Everything is taking a toll on me. I couldn't sleep early, I gained weight so suddenly, I don't even know if I have PCOS or not, I am not passionate in anything, and I lost expectation on my parents that they will ever listen to my personal worries. I mean, I have wonderful friends that I could talk to before but its not the same anymore. Now we have uni, our own problems, and dreams trying to achieve. I just don't want to add into their problem. Anyway, I am used to tackling my own problems myself.


Lately, I noticed that something in me changed. I got afraid that it will progress for the worst. When I broke down recently, I started inflicting pain ob myself by digging my own nails at my hands. At first, I didn't really realize what I've been doing and it just happened. When I was young, I learned to cry without sound so that my mon wouldn't notice. It started when I was on 7th grade, and now, I am at my third year at uni. Actually, I think crying silently is finally taking a toll on me. Whenever I cried, my throat would hurt and I would feel lightheaded. I also don't really like the feel of someone touching me when I break down because when I first did, I couldn't breathe and I think I almost passed out. I normally bottle my own pain that's why I normally break down alone. Right now, I feel like I have a lot of anger. It feels like I want everyone (my parents) to feel what I've been feeling. Like why am I the one who needs to do this? Why do I need to be the one to experience this? Why can't my mom listen to my rants and the events that happened in my life?


TO BE REAL, I ALL BLAME IT TO MY DAD. He is the sole reason of why this is all happening. He dared to cheat on my mom when I was at 7th grade and life all turned for the worse since then. I had to take up being the mother and the father of my siblings as early on 7th grade. He has a stable job right now and is on his 3rd girl. Like wow, I want to speak out to his face that he wouldn't be as successful right now if it weren't for my mother. He is the epitone of "Building a man for others". I HATE WHAT HE DID AND I HATE THAT HE HAS TO RUIN A PERFECTLY FINE FAMILY. I hated him, but I was also the one who needed him. I acted like its all perfectly fine to be able to ask for our needs. From when I was on 7tg grade up until now, there is anger brewing within me that's entirely reserved for him. People say I'm numb but I think I am filled with hatred. Because now I knew better. But, even though I knew better, there isn't really something I could do because there still is my siblings. If there are victims on this extravaganza, its them. That's why I want for them nothing but happiness and success in life. Even though it means on throwing my own. Because right now, I feel like the only reason I'm trying really hard is for them, not even for myself. I feel so tired. I just want to end it all, but I am scared of death, and I still have responsibilities. And maybe, this responsibilities will go on for a lifetime.


This reminds me of a phrase:
"Buried at 70, died at 12"

And somehow, I know, deep inside me, a part of me felt comforted, because that only meant that I was not the only one feeling this way. Even though it is the New Year's Eve, and here I am, letting my heart's out. I honestly don't know if someone would get to read this, but if there is someone, please take this to your grave. Thank you!

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Ema Home December 31, 2025 at 5:44 am 0 0