I can understand traditional husbands

To put things simply, I'm a butch lesbian in a committed relationship with a lipstick girl. Her parents treated her like shit growing up, and so did some of the people she got together with before I came along. I kind of suspected she'd fall apart a little once she and I moved in together and it was safe to do that - my parents were abusive bastards too, and as soon as I moved into my own apartment I fell apart and couldn't function for 2 months, I get it. But she's in bad shape. She literally doesn't leave the house anymore and there is no way she can work as a wage earner. Being a homemaker is hard work too, but she's doing her best in bad health, and I appreciate whatever she is able to accomplish. 95% of me gets it.

Then there's the 5% of me that's tired and doesn't want to get it. Tired of getting up still exhausted in the morning myself, and choking down breakfast alone while she's still asleep some days. Tired of working all day and sometimes into the night, alone, to support us both and having no money left over for anything beyond the absolute basics. Tired of coming home not knowing if it will be heaven or hell depending on how badly her mental illness is affecting her today. I don't know if I'll be dealing with healthy Jan who makes stroganoff and tells me how beautiful I am, depressed Jan who tells me she's been having thoughts about drawing the last curtain but she can't bear to do that to me and she's sorry she has the thoughts at all, or angry Jan who talks about wishing she'd unalived her father before he had a chance to break her bones pushing her down the stairs. I know my life as the wage earner isn't harder than hers as the traumatized, disabled homemaker. I'm fortunate compared to her and I know that...but damn, it feels lonely some days.

I get why traditional husbands get bitter sometimes. It doesn't excuse their bad behaviors at all - I choose to be kind even when I feel there's nothing left of me because that is love and that is right. But no matter how much you love the woman who's waiting for you at home - no matter how you pray to God that you are never separated from her and even cling to the promise of being forever joined in heaven - sometimes it gets so damn lonely.

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anonymous Relationships June 24, 2025 at 1:15 pm 3 0