God is torturing me

I remember the afternoon. I was sitting on the steps at my old job building, waiting to start my new one, I was waiting for my start date to roll around.

I remember sitting on those steps and smoking, contemplating how life sucks and I wanted to die, and God knew this. But instead of killing me, he forced this new opportunity on me. He has a tendency to do that, just when I really want to give up, and I'm at a crossroads, he shoves another carrot in my face, and 'makes' me take the bait, because he's a C**t.

God is very skilled at making you think you wanted it, and it was all your idea, but really he's gaslighting me.

It's odd, because for a few months before this moment, I started to feel God's 'pull', pulling me back to my Christian faith. After having been aethiest, and then agnostic for so long, I mean close to 2 decades faithless, I suddenly felt an urge to believe again. I just suddenly woke up one day and thought 'oh! I believe in God again'. WTF made that switch in me, I don't know.

They say when God calls you back, the Holy Spirit comes down and enters your life again. Infecting your existence, like an unexpected, sometimes unwelcome pathogen.

I find myself talking about God all over again. Talking about my beliefs again. It's a complicated on and off relationship, it's weird. It's so complicated... It's a love/hate relationship from my perspective. I don't know what God thinks of it all, but that's how I see it. It's so odd, how God just infiltrates your existence all of a sudden.

Back to the job situation...

When I say forced, I mean FORCED. I don't understand how it happened, but I applied for a few roles after I finished my post grad. There was one that I had second thoughts about, and I literally cancelled my application. I LITERALLY logged back into the application site and actually pressed 'withdraw application'.

Anyway, on a day off I'm vegging Infront of the TV, and I get a call from that job that I withdrew from. Something inside me told me to stick to that recruitment process, even though I was secretly hoping I wouldn't get it.

God has a way of worming his unnecessary will into my life. I had an interview for another role, which was less secure, but I think I would've really enjoyed it, and on the day of that interview, I was called to say I was successful for this one.

What's funny? On that same day, I also got an email from another job that I applied for, and they wanted me to interview, that one for sure I would have enjoyed, and really think I had a good shot for both those roles (1 was at a zoo, and I love animals).

But no, I was compelled to go along with this one. Out of all the applications, the one I hated, and the one that I had the worst start with. Even to this day, I still feel like I don't want it. It's a love/hate with this job.

I came to the conclusion a while ago, that it doesn't matter what I did, God was just gonna shit on me anyway... And every day I stay in this job, that's how I feel, he's shitting on me.

So even further back to the day on the steps ....

I was sitting there enjoying my cancer stick, and I was contemplating life, and how much it sucks, and moderately considering suicide, when I gave up, and in my mind 'you know what God, fine, fine, we'll do it your way'. God is God after all, and what God wants, God gets, because that's how it is, and you can't really argue, because it's gonna happen anyway.

Like I'd said.. C**t...

So here I am, still wanting to die, love/hate with all aspects of life, but I get this nagging feeling that God wants me to stay here for the foreseeable future...

There God goes... F***ing with my life again.

There's no point in trying in life... Because God will just f**k you over, gaslighting you to doing what God wants you to do...

How special... God has a plan... Well, as far as I'm concerned, God can shove the 'plan' for my life, back up the lily white sun shiny ass where it came from.

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Meeg Religion May 03, 2023 at 11:22 am 0 0