Friends

So I have this "friend" that I'm fairly sure wants more from me. I have made it abundantly clear that there is nothing in this for me besides friendship and that my decision in this matter is not anything to do with her looks, personality or disability. I am perfectly entitled to just not be attracted to someone.

I have a very full on and busy job and issues of my own. I'm just not always free to hang out and I can't always give you a time. I have invited her to stuff she couldn't make and have asked her on several occasions if she'd like to come with me to events and when she says no, I don't immediately take to social media to complain. I say "Oh, OK mate, another time... How's it going anyway?" You know, like someone who doesn't feel entitled and personally attacked by what is actually a rather tame and kindly worded rejection.

My issue is that this woman doesn't message at all unless she wants to hang out, when I say I can't that night, she wants an alternative date immediately; if I can't or don't give her one, I notice within about 10 mins a Facebook post or Whatsapp status will appear moaning about "sad, selfish lesbians who don't want to be in relationships or friendships with disabled women". I couldn't give the slightest toss if you're disabled, this makes no difference, does not make you any less attractive or worthy of love; I'm right there and will help you find a woman who is the right one for you, friends do that sort of thing.

However, I know for a fact that if I had been interested, I would soon change my mind if the other person was unresponsive, distant, never asked me any questions or offered to pay for anything (the times we have been out as friends I can count on one hand the amount of times she has paid for drinks etc. (she works, it's not like she doesn't have a source of income) but she sort of sits there knowing full well it's her round until I get bored and go to the bar.

I get that some of this may be down to disability and lack of confidence, I'm not ableist and I 100% sympathise but just blaming everyone else for your issues with women is unfair, she seems to post them on groups she "claims" not to know I'm in, I know she does because we've spoken about it so the posts are definitely meant for me to see at some stage.
I've never been shy myself so I can't totally empathise but I can tell you that I lose interest pretty quickly in people who don't bother asking follow up questions, you want to get to know a woman with the potential for getting a girlfriend? Learn to interact, something I could help with if you'd just stop whinging all over social media about how your lack of success with ladies is down to everyone else.

My advice (not that she ever asks) would be:

1. Take no for an answer and accept that it's not always to do with you - you could be the nicest person in the world and still not meet someone or get the exact person you want - people do have the right to not be attracted to you, it's happened to everyone

2. Stop putting open letters on social media about lesbian women - calling them selfish and sad because they're not into you - this is a surefire way to make yourself unattractive to potential partners and friends alike

3. Maybe try asking a follow up question, sending music videos or interesting/funny links, try having a fucking conversation with someone - don't just take someone saying "I'm really busy at the moment" as "they clearly don't want to hang with me because I'm disabled" - it's probably not that deep. Perfect example, last time she asked if I wanted to hang out I couldn't, my mum had just had a cataract removed and I was going backwards and forwards from her house to work for about 2 weeks (100 miles or so every couple of days) to help her out. I was knackered and didn't want to do anything when I did eventually get in except lay on my couch and watch the Golden Girls with a beer, it's nothing personal. However, for a mate... do you think she once asked how my mum was, how the operation went, how work was... anything? No, she didn't and this is one of the major gripes.

4. Try getting to know people - not everyone is some scamming cow after your money and not everyone is an ableist arsehole, you will find the right woman but you do need to put some effort in. Getting all Femcell and blaming women and lesbians in particular will not help you.

5. There are many types of friendships and the success or failure of all kinds is the quality of communication. It's not down to the frequency of conversations or meet ups, it's all to do with forging a personal relationship with the other person, finding common ground and getting to know them. Asking them questions and actually maintaining a chat albeit in texts or calls etc is an excellent start.

I'm not having a go, I'm not bashing people with disabilities or social issues. Not at all, I want to be able to help but being attacked for not being able to spend every spare moment with someone is really quite insulting and makes me not want to hang out with this person at all.

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anonymous Friends August 13, 2025 at 9:00 am 1 0