Emotion Overload

I hate myself. I hate my emotions and how I'm oversensitive about everything. I hate that I cry and feel sad even though I have nothing to feel sad about. There are so many people that have it worse than me and yet here I am. Sitting in a pool of my pathetic tears. I try to punish myself for it. Making myself starve, cutting, scratching, cutting off circulation, digging my nails into my skin. Anything to stop the emotional pain. I rather feel all the physical pain in the world then feel this emotional torture. I've tried to kill myself multiple times. Pills, cutting, even drinking bleach. But for some reason I'm still here. I'M STILL FUCKING HERE!

I believe that God is doing this on purpose. Instead of going to hell, my torture is living on this shitty planet, knowing that something is wrong with me but not knowing what. having to see all the people I care about watch as I literally collapse on myself. Them wanting to help but not understanding so they get frustrated instead. It just makes me want to disappear. So they never have to worry about me again. But I'm too much of a people pleaser to do that. As much as I want to hurt myself, I can't stop thinking about the people around me and what they might think. It's terrifying.

I wish I didn't care. I wish that I could escape the depression, and anxiety and people pleasing. I JUST WISHED I HAD A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE! Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to have so many problems that I can't explain? Why can't I disappear? Instead, I'm trapped. Trapped in a hell on earth and I'm making everyone around me suffer. And that's the last thing I wanted to do.

I hate to say this but I can't wait till I die, because I know everyone else will have the weight lifted off their shoulders. The burden they carry will finally be free. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. For all the pain I caused. The fear, worry, and heartbreak. The confusion and frustration. I keep saying I'm gonna get better but I'm not. If anything, I'm getting worse. I really wanted to be better. I marked myself with death and I'm suffering for it.

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Jade Other October 16, 2025 at 2:32 pm 0 0