I'm an 18 year old girl from Southeast Asia currently in foundation for a year. I just got my first semester result today and passed, but the results are not good. I have got everything either B or B+ except for Computer Science which is A-. I didn't reach the 3.5s while all of my roommates gain 4. It does hurts my ego but considering my own effort and theirs, it is a no wonder. I know i wouldn't gain that much since school because i can't study ffs.
no matter how hard i did, wether i use the tips those motivational videos gave or whatever it is, i felt fucking empty. I caught the lessons fast but forgets easily and you know what i did? nothing. despite knowing i would fucking fail if i dont revise. Every damn time, i look at the teacher, acting as if im a good little student who understands every shit they r saying but in all honesty, i just want to fucking dissapear. From the moment i was borned to where i am now, i am always surrounded by people that gains. My family have geniuses in science and maths. A good background with religious leaders and respect. But then theres me. There were 3 including me of my cousins who were the same age and deep down, i planted a competition myself. The first wasn't good in education but she had a good life living in luxury and secure future making business. The second one is taking english language course while i take computer science. Don't fucking ask me why i choose cs cuz I didn't but had to.
I went to a prestigious science boarding school and had my fucking life only aimed at grades and grades. I AM DUMB. i am amongst those who needs extra classes there but still, every year i would atleast get 1 award for 3.5 pointer. In the past, I woke up at 4:30 am with my mentor waking me up to revise and teach me, continued at evenings and before bed. EVERY DAMN DAY. But i feel empty because what is next after i get a good result? In college, i don't study much. I felt drained.
I seek help from god. I felt guilty. Guilty and guilty and guilty. Because everytime i felt anxious, i masturbated. in short time, it became a habit that i did almost every day. I prayed He forgive me but I can't when im dirty. I did it so much that i start to think what if others notice and i cared about people instead of Him.
I start getting anxious after i was sent to the boarding school out of my will. I thought, as the eldest daughter, i need to show an example to my brothers and sister. I never knew what these feelings were so i kept to myself. I never told my parents because im scared of them, i rarely ask for a thing except school materials. I was afraid im a burden and that thought eats me every day. I know if i commit then or now, i would be more dead than i already did and i will being shame to my ancestors. So i felt worthless, empty. Day and day, What the fuck am i doing all of these for and fuck if i know.
I unconciously felt suffocated, can't breathe, panic, idk my mind were hazy whenever it happened and it just sucks cuz it hurts asf. i had it twice or more a month. Sometimes out of nowhere and other times, when im too scared or something. idk what it is but i call it panic attack. I have many ways to deal with it but the frequency increases with time. I wanted to seek professional help (eventhough deep down im scared if i burdened them with money) so i told my parents before i entered college once. Lets say, I shouldn't. My mom said because i lack prayers. My dad acknowledge it because he had it once but he kept on arguing with my mom and both have their wrongs and rights. And no, all i get is watching them argue thats all. I planned to use my own money if i succeeded but ig i will have to wait on that.
I prayed to god, all i wanted was to bring wealth to my parents and siblings. I wanted to be a daughter that could be proud of. But i didnt pray enough. I know i should have worked harder and i know in terms of education i am simply dumb. All i know is complain, i know. I wanted help, truth be told, i want to end myself. But what is worse than dying without dignity? I can't even be selfish with my own damn life.
ducksOther March 08, 2023 at 1:21 am10