Disappointment

She can never sound like she actually likes me. She can't show anything besides negative feelings towards me. I'll be looking foreard to something, she'll kill my enthusiasm. I'll want to do something, she'll yell at me not to do it, make comments about me doing it or stop me from doing it point blank.
She emotionally manipulates me and she thrives in the fact that I physically can't get myself to disobey her.
I hate that I can’t even find a stupid freaking job so that I can move out and not have to depend on her.
I want to die.
If I'm not immediately obeying her or reading her mind about things she wants me to do, I'm enemy number freaking one.
I can’t have aspirations which don't align with her goals.
She hates me saying that I'm searching for jobs, she hates me when I can’t get them, she hates me for searching for them in the first place, she hates that I dedicate time to anything besides her immediate needs and she couldn't give a flying freaking sh*t about anything about me. Not my freaking life, not me explaining the work I have to do today for a part time job I have managed to secure theough the will of God so that she knows I'm busy and not just wasting time, not my likes or wants or needs or friends or anything.
All she cares about is controlling when I go out, who I go with, how often, how far. All she cares about is me not making a laughing stock out of her and getting me married off so she doesn't have to deal with me, she can get in-laws she can be friends with, she can get a son in law to look after her and the rest of the family once her husband retires as if I'd ever be involved ever again.
She can never ever speak well of me and whilst i'm trying to get work done, she was on a phone call where I was brought up by a relative, rare occurrence as far as I'm aware.
Then she starts talking about how I have nothing going for me, bashing the teaching agency I'm with as if SHE'S not the reason I couldn't agree to the placements they were giving me in the first freaking place, how i was on universal credit and then went off it and the stupid freaking misogynists that both of them are started gossiping about why I would want to work just to pay tax anyway. As if working doesn't grant me independence and not become reliant on the freaking government like the losers they are. As if the weekly wages I'd get wouldnt be more than what they receive from the government monthly anyway. As if they have a freaking goddamn say in anything when they hate their lives and only live to see their families become who THEY want them to be.
Then after the phone call, I get called to hang up the washing. Im taking 2 minutes to finish my work and come down, communicating right when she called that Im coming. All i can hear from downstairs is what is she doing, why isn't she coming down, tell her to come tell her to come down.
Then I go, I get the clothes, dont bother with a washing basket.
A few clothes fall to the ground, not even for 2 freaking seconds.
"Whats wrong with you???!!!"
"It was an accident calm down"
"Theyre wet clothes, dont put them on a chair."
I hold all of them and start hanging.
"All I said was to hang clothes and look at her giving me attitude as if i didnt do the whole load myself."
Always, freaking always has to make fraking stupid ass comments as if im not freaking there.
Im yellimg at the fact that im here aren't i after she couldnt be patient for freaking two minutes whilst o come down, couldn't tell me in a decent freaking tone to get the washibg basket, complains about my freaking attitude as if she hasnt done anything wrong and then I turned and told her, "Ill just die"
Then she had a go at me for sating that, knowing she wields the same victimising words whenever something's bkt going her way. I told her so what and she said die, see what I care.
I told i will.
I hung up the clothes.
I know it doesn't matter what I do in life, I'll never be able to escape her.
Forget the male gaze, everything is under the lense of my mother's gaze.
I don't want children because I know she wants grandchildren and she believes that couples who dont have children are never happy (judging by her failure of a marriage, I'd say her javing kids was the worst thing she could possibly subject mankind to). I think shes jealous of couples who dont need children to form a relationship with their partners. Shes jealous she had to trap her husband with 5 kids and he still threatens to kick her out.
I want to get married to someone I like which is against her entire being, she tried to force me to get married but she couldnt.
I want to work coz she's against women working.
I want to go out coz she's against that too but I have no one to go out with because my friends are either on the other side of the country, my one actual friend is always busy and my other friends are not really friends at all but people who tolerate me and wont go out with me (i tried, multiple times, multiple different occasions, but im not going to beg)
Theres so much more and a few more rants on this page about her but i cant type anymore.
God, please help me.
I can’t do this for much longer.

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anonymous Relationships November 16, 2025 at 4:17 pm 0 0