and sorry i impersonated people /gen good gawd
i dont do that anymore trust. i discovered it was DID (and all the delusion shit mixed in) and my method of coping with that without a diagnosis was the character stuff
idk why i did allat otherwise

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subspace t. mine 3 weeks ago

idk. ik im not the lesser of two evils anymore but its nice being a huge bitch to you after everything you did. i can sleep perfectly at night. most of the time. sometimes i feel bad but ive always dealt with not having consistent emotions so sometimes i hate you and sometimes i miss you and sometimes i get sad thinking about you and sometimes it all amuses me and sometimes idgaf but ig thats what eupd does to you. its like that one time i apologized and i meant it but then fell back into being angry out of nowhere. you wouldnt care now but you made me cry my eyes out so many times before shit went downhill because you always had smt new to be pissed off about and ig i gradually began hating you and ill keep doing and saying things to make you feel awful and anxious even if i end up acting way different than i actually am and saying things i usually never would. its only you. i hate alot of people but youre the only one i truly want to bring down. now i wont say some stupid shit like “you made me an angry ass hater” because thats retarded af but ive changed alot in good and bad ways because of our friendship. most of the stuff i say to you i either dont agree with or would never say to anyone else but it makes you upset and that in general makes me happy. idk if ill ever feel like youve had enough because one moment youre suggesting we be calm enemies and not aggressive ones then the next were back to square one which makes me think you almost want it so you can forget abt what how you treated me and focus on how i treat you now so you dont ever think about it. sorry for the yap session, i lowk got carried away but ig for now i wont do it but if i start feeling tempted again which could be triggered by absolutely nothing at all ill try to think back on this. im tired so im gonna crash bye ill check back on this sometime in the foreseeable future

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honey 3 weeks ago

DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN HOLY YAP I SPAT OUT MY NASTY ASS GRAPE WATER

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honey 3 weeks ago

yeah no i get it
you just have to understand how lowly that was of you and i cant have that happening again. you have a caring parent youre able to be transparent with and i dont so i feel like even if i did have enough shit to do the same thing back, you wouldnt get the point
i dont think you had any right to wisecrack in response to all my clearly frantic vent posts but i completely get why you would
all i want is for you to get off my throat because you make my anxiety spike and i think i did the same to you at some point
but yeah

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subspace t. mine 3 weeks ago

also why are you allowed to bring up eupd but i cant bring up delusional disorder and have you understand how it affects my behavior... /genq /nm

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subspace t. mine 3 weeks ago

i get that. also all of that other stuff was solely to get you worked up. its actually really out of character for me to not take into consideration other peoples disorders and im sorry abt that and everything else ive been doing. ik ive said that before and started again right after but idk why my brain doesnt ever settle with my emotions or opinions on things. i dont expect for you to sympathize with me bc i never did with you even though we both have equally fucked up mental health but it really does make it to where i have an unstable personality. it always changes and it never settles and thats not to excuse everything ive done but its like i completely forget about how i felt the day before. like 2 months ago i didnt care abt what happened and then i was snide and yesterday i was pissed off and upset and now im regretful. this isnt supposed to sound like a vent bc any ex friend is the worst canidate to vent to but i wanna explain it while im actually acting like a human if that makes sense. if i get mad again in like 3 days and try to think back on this ill think i was being too nice but right now i think i was being too mean. actually ik i was and i dont know how to stop being an ass. it doesnt even benefit me either because a day later ill realize oh shit i was being ableist or i was bashing harmless things and religions and things and people just because it reminded me of you. idk dude i really wish all of this never happened even though i lit the match. i think not having a friend as close as i was with you feels wrong but its too late and theres no coming back from it. i think i try to start fight with you so i can try to hate you and it does make me mad but its near impossible to hate you. idk i wish i was the person i was years ago

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

^ i get it completely and i wish it didnt happen too. i think the reason we fell out the way we did is because of my toxicity and a lack of transparency (mostly on my part). honestly you were a dick many times but i think i initiated it and you just took it too far trying to get revenge, which i think anybody has the right to try and do after theyre hurt.
i dont forgive you for the facebook thing and you must understand that i probably never will but i forgive you for everything else. i need you to understand that i was met with verbal warfare when my grandma saw your message. like she was calling me a CUNT. /srs
but like i said i forgive you for everything else. i couldnt talk to you at all though except for on the stupid dinky sites we used to resort to instead of texting but everyone in my life and in my system has strong opinions on you (which, of course, is my fault) so idk
my grandma would even be against us commenting back and forth like we are even though we're not having some casual friendly conversation, but as we've seen, i can hide anything and everything so who cares right

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

something i forgot to add is that i think we've both changed slightly and i dont really think any interaction ill ever have with you will lead to what it did last time
again, though, idk how i feel about it. maybe im making a brash assumption by thinking you slightly tolerating me and missing being my friend means you wouldnt mind talking to me again, but thats what im reading it as and im sorry if thats wrong or insane ut ik i feel the same way either way
if thats something you want then im totally up for it

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

idk. i miss you but i dont want to become friends just to risk all of this happening again. also i hv that issue too with my irls not liking you. my mom would be pissed. we also would barely be able to talk bc i dont have my phone rn and wed only be able to occasionally say hi through twitter but at the same time thats your private alt acc and idk if janie found out about it. if we do start talking again we definetly have a lot to work through bc it wont work out if we dont express exactly what we think went wrong last time and how to fix it. if you have any alt account on x that youre comfortable with me being able to access yk my username and you can send a follow request and dm me. also i understand tht you wont forgive me for the facebook thing and if i were you i definitely wouldnt either. ig some things youd like to hear is that im not in shedtwt anymore bc its rlly influental and just from being away from my phone ive already recovered from sh and for the most part my ed. idk but if we do talk again like i said it wont be rainbows right off the start. im not saying itll be aggressive and intense but itll probably be awkward af and we srsly have to talk through stuff if we dont wanna fall out in 4 days

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

idk when ill get my phone back (mom said never but last time she said never it was actually 9-11 months) but when i do were gonna have to be like extraordinarily careful bc im way worse at hiding things than you are

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

pls really think about this though bc idk if its better for us to rekindle or if its better for us to stay like this bc as of right now were completely chill and alot could go wrong if we become friends again. rn itd be sm easier to move on since were not exactly mad anymore but if we become friends we risk repeating the last 8 months all over again. being friends again could be beneficial also. i feel like no matter how much of a mess our fallouts are we find a way back to eachother and idk why that is. we could either actually be compatible friends or weve developed trauma bonds atp. but yeah i wont be mad either way but ill be VERY inactive for idk how long bc im grounded. if im still grounded by the start of school i can try to find something to talk on bc magma was blocked and every other website weve used is too and id hate to go back to scratch jesus fucking christ

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

yeah no ik what ur saying
i know we're not gonna be lol silly text me 24/7 right away but i was just saying
i am an option if you ever want an extra person to talk to. even just as mutuals instead of friends
as for twitter ive been thinking of making an alt soon cuz i dont have any accounts left but idk. if i do itll probably be under a somewhat different identity but ill probably just go by chance so you recognize me if i follow you
and maaaan phuck scratch youre real for that
also why are you grounded? is it because of the facebook thing? /nfta

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

also i really do think we're different people from then and nothing is gonna really change the fact that we both have shitty temperament issues
i think thats why we've never fallen out permanently because we both secretly know theres no real reason for it and its all just fluffy edgy extra bullshit that people our ages do
like i know im not gonna gaf about any of this. give it like 2 years max and i probably wont even care about the facebook thing
idk about you but thats what i feel like is gonna happen. youve shown me that you changed in some strange way, and if you were the same person you were months ago, i never wouldve made that suggestion
we dont have to make dastardly efforts ro get back in contact but i only recommended that because i was reading you
i missed you too i think
not in a weird ao3 way but we were thinking about you the whole time we were in chicago. the time zone and kwiktrip and all

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

PLEASE ignore the end of that message, i do that habitually
bro i promise i did not mean to turn into darkheart phighting
i swear its me and not 3 manuls in a trenchcoat

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

dw its ok :sob: sorry im typing short messages im js hesitant. i agree with you n stuff but im scared ig

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

i do wanna be freinds but i feel anxious like this every time we talk abt being mutuals/friends because each time things go south every few months. every time ive kinda sworn wed never talk again and like. If we both js moved on now itd be so easy bc were not tempted to bitch back and forth and ik you said weve both changed and i agree and think things can work out but we also thought that every other time so ig im js unsure. i think we should start out as mutuals and work our way up. im not trying to give mixed signals bc i do wanna be friends again but part of me is worried im throwing away the chance of actually being at peace with things bc if smt does happen then itll take another century to not be constantly angry and upset with eachother again

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

nah i get it
ur good

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

nah i get it
ur good

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

oops

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago

also about the grounding, mom randomly checked my phone one day and went through my twitter but she didnt rlly see anything bad she was js upset i had it. i didnt rlly open up to her abt twitter that was a bluff bc while i was making fun of you for the facebook thing i was practically going through the same thing and i didnt wanna think of myself as a hypocrite. shes not mad at me anymore though

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

i gtg to bed but ill check this again tomorrow

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

ohh
aight

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subspace t. mine 2 weeks ago