Another one about romance

Fuck. My. Life. Fuck my life. I feel insane. I fell in love with a lady who I can’t be with. She’s engaged to be married, we’re close friends, and I always knew we wouldn’t be together. I never thought we would be; I always knew these feelings would go nowhere. So I didn’t tell her the truth about how I felt for almost a year now (I can’t believe it’s already been that long…) because it didn’t seem relevant for her to know. But then my attempt to run from the truth had me running away from her and our relationship and I was becoming someone I don’t want to be. I wasn’t being a good friend and I knew I needed to tell her the truth about my feelings in order to heal the damage I caused our friendship by running and lying. So I told her the truth in order to start the healing process. And I didn’t do it as well as I could have, I know that, but I’m glad I did it. It was scary- so so so scary- but I did it. And I told her our friendship is #1 and that I don’t need or expect her to do anything with that information. And… she didn’t. Do anything with the information, I mean. Like, in the moment she said, “are you in love with me or the idea of me?” And after I told her I was IN love with her, she said, “if things were different… if we had met sooner… if only I could see 5 years in the future to know if I am making the right choice…” and then…. She didn’t talk to me again. She didn’t do anything- at all- with the information I gave her. She (still) hasn’t acknowledged the secret (aka: my spilled guts) once. We see each other daily at work (oh yeah, did I forget to mention we’re colleagues???), and we hang out with our shared friends after work, and we act like nothing happened. Like everything is fine and normal and that all of our friends don’t know what’s going on, and that both of us aren’t hurting. She hasn’t reached out to me. Hasn’t indicated that she wants to see or talk to me when we’re not in our friend group. It hurts, but her reaction is totally fair because again, I told her the truth about my feelings so I could heal our friendship, not forge a romance. I know that healing is painful and challenging, and I know that un-learning bad habits (like emotional withdrawal) is clumsy and slow. I know there will need to be time for us to be close again and to not only heal the damage from the lie, but also the damage from the truth. I know all this, I understand it, I accept it. And still… her silence is making me feel forgettable. We’re friends! I told her the truth so I could heal our friendship! And now… I feel like she can hardly tolerate being around me. Like she resents that we’re in the same friend group. Like I fucked up by trying to do what I thought was the best thing. But what’s worse is that this might be my consequence. Maybe she isn’t avoiding me. Maybe she isn’t giving me space. Maybe she is letting the space that I created simply continue to exist. Maybe we are both letting it exist because that’s how it’s been. That’s how it’s now comfortable for us. That’s how I made it; small, impersonal, and distant. Maybe it’s not her design but mine; the hole where my fear used to be. The hole that is too big to make my broken heart feel important. And she’s going through…. Oh my god, so much. All she really needs right now are supportive friends who have her back, and this is NOT the time for her to have an emotional crisis with me. But I had to find this all out second hand from our friends because she doesn’t tell me SHIT! She doesn’t talk to me. I don’t think she cares about me very much at all to be honest. And when I ask about what’s going on in her life, how she feels, what she thinks, what she wants, she won’t talk to me!!! She won’t answer a direct question, she’ll just laugh it off!! And yes, I know she has a whole thing about it and is dealing with an identity crisis as well, but girl, throw me a BONE!! Are we even friends anymore?? Does she like me at all??? I feel like a fucking teenager and we’re in our mid-late 20s!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON???????? But this isn’t about me right now. Our relationship? Not about me. My broken heart? Not about me. My thoughts and feelings and opinions? Not about me. At least as far as she is concerned. Our relationship needs to be about her right now. And like yeah, it’s always been about her to me because of the way she influences me, but my choice to run my was selfish. I need to focus on her and let myself be uncomfortable because healing is uncomfortable and she needs me…. But she FUCKING DOESNT THOUGH!!!! She has the rest of our friends. She has… well actually, it is pretty much just us (not even her partner… that’s another story ENTIRELY). Okay, so she has very few support people in her life, I know I’m one of them, so I want to be strong and be able to support her. But at the same time, she hasn’t been relying on me because my emotional bullshit made me extremely unreliable, and so she isn’t even leaning on me anyway. So she doesn’t need me. Right now. But if I make myself more available, she’ll depend on me more and I can help her feel supported. BUT I’M HEAD OVER HEELS IN FUCKING LOVE WITH HER AND MY HEART IS FUCKING SHATTERED!!! How am I supposed to move on and fucking be happy with someone else when I’m focusing so much of my energy on wanting to support her and be there for her and be a good friend to her. How am I supposed to prioritize my healing when healing our friendship means pushing myself entirely out of the picture? How am I supposed to navigate this? I feel so stuck.

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Bug Relationships April 22, 2024 at 11:47 pm 0 1