am i a sadist or just a bastard

idk what’s wrong with me. i like hurting animals. i get such a pleasurable feeling, but i don’t think it makes me aroused or anything like some sadists with pain. i’ve never really hurt a person physically, so idk if i would get pleasure from that, but from time to time, i would fantasize abt beating the shit out of ppl. but one thing i know for sure is that i like being rude to ppl. irl, i am the total opposite. i’m always nice and kind to my friends and the people around me. a couple years ago, i had many goldfishes as pets, and i would always love to gently abuse them as i was cleaning out the bowl. i would squish them super hard inside my palms and leave them out of the water some minutes, for example. when i scoop them up, sometimes they flip so violently that they fall on the floor, hard. i enjoyed seeing them fall from such a great length and flip around and around, like begging me for help. i don’t do these acts anymore becuz after all the abuse i’ve done to animals, i feel a great amount of guilt and shame. i tortured a life that was so innocent for the pleasure of myself. they didn’t deserve it. everytime i did those acts before, i would be swept up by the curiosity and pleasure. my mind would be blank and all my rational thinking vanishes. “it’s just for a bit, it’s just for a bit. i won’t do anything THAT bad”, always runs through my mind. some of my friends pretend to be a sadist becuz they think it’s quirky or something, and they even brag abt it. idk if they’re serious or they think it makes them superior or more interesting. i also admire the sharp ends of knives. i always imagine them cutting through someone’s skin and how elegant the cut would be. it looks so beautiful and especially when a stream of blood flows out. AHH I NEED HELP. i don’t think this is serious though, since i don’t feel much of a desire to hurt someone. if i could and no one would be in pain, i definitely would, but if there are going to be pain involved, the guilt, shame, and evilness of that would most likely stop me. from time to time, i would get the desire again, but it’s not strong enough, so i’m thankful to God and Jesus. but i still feel guilty abt what i’ve done to those animals. i’m ashamed that i’m not more disgusted by the fact i’m like this.

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stranger1 Other July 29, 2020 at 11:42 pm 0 0