i don't know.. I just hate myself a lot. I just wish mom was here. would everything be better ba? parang ang hirap na kasi na "hey do this, do that, if you dont do this then you'll screw everything up." which makes me think na i'm a useless piece of crap. My sister used to say that. And ever since, it hasn't gotten out of my head. I know it's not a big deal and all pero deep down, araw araw I think of myself as a burden to this family. I don't want to cause more trouble than it already is.
Until now, I've been jealous of my sister. I love her, yes. But sometimes I just wish na people would see me like how they see her. They love her. That's why i look up to her. Yeah she can be a jerk to us sometimes. But that's not the point. Anyway, I'm jealous of her ever since. My grandmother and mom loves her. She's.. her. I don't know. I just don't want to feel this kinds of things. Her friends, our extended family, my parents.. They love her. I don't see why I can't reach that kind of level she's at. I tried. But nothing worked.
I kept on begging for other people just to stay with me. My sister doesn't see that. I'm a people pleaser and I don't like it. They say "don't give a crap about them." yet, I still care. Because those moments I have created with those people are memorable to me. People don't care about me, don't they? hays. I', just tired.
It feels like i'm just overreacting whenever I say these kinds of things. I don't want to get used to it. I still want my feelings to be valid by myself yet here I am.. invalidating my own thoughts and feelings. It's useless anyway.
I want to scream.. but i can't.
I love me though.. but not enough. So I ran to God.
all my point of view about myself changed. to other people, my sister, and more.
I was happy. :)
my dad forced me to do something that i don't want. But if it helps him for our family.. then i will. It's not in my plan. It never was. Just to get me to college, I need to be athletic. It was never in my plan. because I knew that I wouldn't be able to reach the standards of people.
I'm stressed at school and in this particular things going on in my life. I'm a child. But I guess, nothing stays forever. No one is here to help you and protect you. But i know that I have God. I know that he's with me. Pero I don't think na my faith is strong. I just need guidance. But i'll keep on trying and not give up on my relationship with God.
in short, I'm not doing great in life. But it's normal lang naman diba? there are struggles that will come in our way. We just have to trust in Jesus.
Jeremiah 29:11. Hope this helps for anyone that might read this haha.
It will be okay. Don't worry. Trust, Let go and Let God.:)
noOther February 12, 2024 at 7:53 am30