Well maybe you can be that good by inspiring good just by being nice

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anonymous 2 weeks ago

I've lived with depression all of my life. I don't recall a time in my life that hasn't been clouded by a lack of motivation, chronic fatigue, irritability, general boredom and lack of enjoyment in most activities, and social anxiety.

I've wanted to end things. I've called hotlines and phone counselors. I've been referred to so many therapists I don't remember them all. I've tried several medications. Nothing is ever great, and I'm "happiest" when I'm content.

The diagnosis evolved from general depression, dysthymia, long term low grade depression, major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, attention deficit (hyperactivity) disorder, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, (other health conditions including migraines), post traumatic stress disorder, and most recently complex post traumatic stress disorder.

At least I don't have other stuff that would be devastating to me, such as bipolar, psychopathy, or schizophrenia, among others. I always try to find the bright spot because gloom and doom is horrible. I'm also a pessimist - go figure.

So.

Life doesn't need to be like taking a dose of "fukitol". I sometimes break things on purpose. Tearing or crumpling paper is therapeutic for me (I don't know why). I used to have a chair that I regularly beat the crap out of until one day my hand went through the back of it. I had another sofa that had burlap upholstery and it scuffed up my knuckles pretty good when I attacked it. I learned to always take my agression out on inanimate objects and never direct frustration at people or other living things. That's an important boundary.

Find something that helps you reduce stress. I did a lot of calisthenics and yoga. I had a difficult routine that wore me out every time I did it. You don't need to waste money on a gym membership - just start out doing some resistance moves and keep adding to it. The benefit of exercise is it helps your limbic system, nervous system, hormone balance, gives you more clarity of thought, and helps you sleep.

The absolute most important thing I've ever learned is okay for me to say "no" and not have a reason or excuse. No. I can tell anyone "no", and that's it. Over time, people stopped having expectations for me to fulfill. And... they can say no to me without having a reason or excuse. Self-empowerment is wonderful. Nobody can or will ever make me happy. Happy is something I do for myself. I can share it with other people, but I am not the source for anyone and nobody is the source for me.

Autonomy is my survival mode. Self actualization. Self sufficiency. Emulating traits I like, and forgiving traits I don't like. Its okay to make mistakes as long as I can learn something.

Why do I not "end it"? I'm curious. I'm kinda nosy. I need to know what happens next - it's my own personal story that evolves every day. If I stop, then I'm the loser. I don't want to lose at the only game I have personal power invested in : life.
I know I cannot live forever, but I can do a lot to make the best of each moment in my life - including the bullshit. I can learn from bs.

If you find everything to be overwhelming, before you make a final solution decision - call a hotline and tell them how angry and upset you are. They can help by giving you advice and referrals to resources in your area.

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anonymous 2 weeks ago