Repressed memory

I think I vaguely remember being beaten up by my grandma once or twice in my childhood memories. So many of my childhood memories are so buried at the back of my mind now that I've forgotten most if not at least 90 percent of them. I know it's normal but it's still a weird thing to me. I'm still 16 so shouldnt I still remember at least most of it?

But then again, most of them I know at least are negative things like me being bullied (though i dont think I was bullied seriously enough but i honestly dont know) and me having anxiety and (supossedly) having selective mutism.

But I was reminded of these "repressed memories" again and decided I'd let it out and discuss it in my mind. I've vaguely remembered them before but I was always numb about it as I wasnt really sure if it happened to me at all and I dont really know how I'll find out and prove it happened.

I got reminded of it again because my grandma got angry at me for the nth time I listened to her order me to do chores but I didnt do it for the nth time, again. Ive been doing that lately. I haven't been feeling too much but the occasional angry bursts and the word 'fuck' regularly resurfing on every sentence I say. I feel like shes the trigger of some of my worst memories.

It became a pattern, really. Nowadays, I dont even bother going into my room so I can tune out her angry woes. I dont really cry about it either anymore. I remember at least the last time these happened when I was 10 or 12 or 14 ago, i was quick to cry but now its just nothing really.

Grandma keeps saying there shouldnt be any reason for me to be this way. By "this way" i assumed she meant me being so dissociative of everything, passive aggressive, depressive, cold hearted, so angry, and lazy. But perhaps I know more than she does, after all, she isnt the one feeling what I feel and is personally suffering right now.

But im not so much of a dismissive idiot to deny she actually is suffering right now, at my expense even. I shouldnt even be so dismissive and so angry of her but I honestly do not know why and how I can stop feeling this way about her.

Never did I really knew when I started feeling this way about her or if it really was just dormant and lying around at the beginning, just waiting to crawl out beneath the earth and start haunting me and the things I do.

Do I really not have a reason to feel this way? How bad is my grandma in denial to forget the things she'd done to me? How bad did I repress negative things that happened to me for me to easily forget childhood memories, faces, and names? Did anything else happen to me and I just vanished it all because of how hurtful it was to my childhood brain? I feel like grandma and my family is lying to me even if indirectly and implicitly. As if nothing remotely abusive happened in our family when I know plenty of it is abusive enough. Neglect, for example, is one. I just want to know the extent of it so I can justify feeling this way. I feel like im so dismissive of others because those same others are dismissive to what I feel as well. Does what I feel for my family down played, foggy, and out of touch with reality? Am i delusional and out of my mind, thinking all this time we're fine, when in reality, we're not? Or am i just exaggerating and making this so much bigger than it really is? Right now is a tough time for me and I don't have anyone else to turn to. I'm lonely, i dont have anyone while my family has their own circle of friends. Maybe I am insane and I'm just coming out of it.

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anonymous Home May 02, 2024 at 5:21 am 0 0