My trauma dumping parents gave me trauma

I've seen my parents fight since early childhood. The first memory of my parents that pops up in my mind is of them fighting. My dad has my mom pinned to the wall, hands wrapped around her throat to cut off her air supply. It was scary. I was what? 5? 6? My parents have a rocky relationship, and the only reason they're still together, according to them, is because of me. I feel like a shackle because of it. I wonder some days if they would've been happier if I were never in the picture. It was an arranged marriage and my mom took on the role of housewife after they got married, as was customary back in the days. She was still a college student at that time. Maybe the same age as I am right now. Right from the get-go, my mom tells me, my dad's family was horrendous. They overworked her, didn't give her food, and degraded her. She wanted to divorce at that time, but my maternal grandparents never allowed it. They're quite conservative. Bear in mind that I'm not from a first-world country, and where I'm from, girls didn't have much choice about their lives until a decade or so ago. Maybe because my parent's generation went through so much, they decided to give the next generation freedom. Back to the story now: She wasn't allowed to divorce, and a few years later, I was born. I feel like my birth basically sealed her fate. I feel like I am the reason that she is suffering.

If any of you are either the first born daughters or only children, I'm pretty sure you'd be familiar with our parents' trauma-dumping habits. I was told these stories since early childhood, and I saw them fight—both verbally and physically—more than any child should have. Of course, these things took a very heavy toll on me. I kind of grew up detached from people. I don't know how to form genuine connections, approach people, or talk to them. I'm not saying I don't have friends, per se. I just don't have one that I can trust or share everything with. I'm usually only the auxiliary part of the friend group who is disposable as per convenience. As a result, even though I'm surrounded by people, I'm completely alone. I don't have a support system outside of home, and inside the home, I'm mostly acting as a therapist, listener, or mediator. I realised that her telling me all these stories was doing me more harm than good. It's not good for me mentally. I cannot bear listening to it any longer. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the mediator. Anytime she comes to sit near me, she has to tell me her stories. I just want to spend time with my mother, but here I am listening once again to all that trauma. She doesn't understand when I say I don't want to hear it. I tried to shut it down by being curt, but she says that I disrespected her. I just don't want to hear it anymore. I'm tired. I'm so tired.
People in my house don't understand my aspirations, goals, hobbies, interests. They just want to control every single thing that I do. It's driving me crazy to the point that now I just want to disappear from everyone's life. I want everyone to forget about me. I want to stop existing altogether, as if I weren't even here in the first place.

I grew up isolated and alone, like an alien who bears the skin of a human but is completely different from the rest of the crowd she walks with every day. Now I tend to enjoy being alone. I enjoy my own company. If someone sits around me for too long, especially in my room, it makes me uncomfortable. I want my personal space. Think of me as a cat or husky. They tend to enjoy companionship and cuddles on their own terms, right? They prefer it if they're the ones to initiate interaction or affection and stop it. I'm quite similar. This doesn't sit right with my parents. But I'm just trying very hard to protect my peace. Especially since I know what talking to my mother usually leads to. I know I can be rude about it. I tend to get very irritable and angry when people come into my space. I just don't know how else to express my unease. I'm just tired. Extremely tired. I don't know what to do.

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Kaya Home May 01, 2024 at 4:40 am 0 0