MY ATTENTION SPAN IS IN HELL AND I FUCKING HATE IT

WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I FOCUS ON ANY OF MY DEADLINES???? I'VE BEEN TRYING AND TRYING AND I SWAER TO GOD I JUST FUCKING CAN'T. I ALWAYS END UP IN THE CYCLE WHERE I DO IT ON THE DAY OF THE DEADLINE, WHICH ACTUALLY MOTIVATES ME TO DO IT BECAUSE OF THE PRESSURE BUT I ALSO HATE IT BECAUSE THE ADRENALINE CAN BE TOO MUCH FOR ME THAT I HAVE TO TAKE A BREATHER. BUT THEN WHEN I TAKE A BREATHER I PANIC EVEN MORE BECAUSE I KNOW I'M WASTING TIME BY TAKING A BREAK. I JUST HATE DOING WORK. IT BORES ME TO DEATH. I CAN WRITE, READ AND WATCH ESSAYS UPON ESSAYS, MOVIES AND ANYTHING RELATED TO MY INTERESTS BUT I CANNOT FOCUS ON MY SCHOOL ESSAYS FOR THE LIFE OF ME. EVEN THOUGH ON AVERAGE I CAN WRITE A PARAGRAPH WITH A BIT OF RESEARCH IN LIKE 10-20 MINUTES UNDER PRESSURE. JUST WHY. WHY AM I SO SLOW TOO??? I THINK SO SLOW AS WELL LIKE SOME OF MY CLASSMATES CAN WRITE A WHOLE PAGE IN 30 MINUTES BUT I'D COMPLETE IT IN 1HR - 1HR 30 MINS. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST COMBO-- SLOW ASS THINKING + PROCRASTINATION. AND I HAVE THE AUDACITY TO WANT MY WORK TO BE PERFECT TOO LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. LOOK, EVEN NOW I'M WRITING THIS BECAUSE I'M PROCRASTINATING. I'M ALMOST FAILING HERE. AND THE THING IS MY PAST SELF WOULD NEVER IMAGINE MY CURRENT SELF NOW WHO'S SOMEONE WHO GETS ONLY PASSES AS THEIR GRADES LIKE IT'S SO DIAPPOINTING. I TRY TO TELL MYSELF THAT ITS BECAUSE OF THE NEW FRIENDS THAT I HAVE BECAUSE THEY ARE SO LAZY AS WELL BUT I KNOW DEEP WITHIN THAT THAT'S NO EXCUSE. IN THE END, I KNOW I'M JUST A NATURALLY LAZY PERSON. I CAN'T EVEN FINISH SOME BOOKS THAT I'M READING. I HAVE NO CONSISTENCY WHEN I TRY TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING AND IT'S HORRENDOUS. I KEEP FEELING GUILTY AND USELESS YET I STILL GO BACK TO DOING IT. AND I HAVE NO SOCIAL SKILLS. I'M CHOPPED AS HELL. I'M FAT AS HELL. I'M DUMB AS FUCK. I CAN'T COOK. I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT HANDLING MONEY. MY HAIR IS FRIZZY AND DEAD AS FUCK. I'M BORING. I'M EMBARASSING. NO FRIEND PUTS ME FIRST. I'M AWKWARD AS FUCK. MY VOICE SOUNDS UGLY. AND I FEEL LIKE ITS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO GENUINELY LOVE MY REAL PERSONALITY. I'M INSECURE AS HELL IF YOU CAN'T TELL. THE WORST THING??? IT'LL JUST KEEP GETTING HARDER AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT. I CAN'T EVEN KMS BECAUSE I STILL HAVE THIS TINY HOPE AND I DON'T WANNA MAKE MY FAMILY SAD. I'M KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE WHILE TYPING THIS BUT I'M THIIIS CLOSE TO LOSING IT.

---

anonymous School April 25, 2025 at 7:11 pm 0 0