I overthink

Why?

Why am I like this?

What does it feel like to think normally again? I forgot.

I've been in these chains for so long...

They keep holding me back.

I look at things in such a way that is not normal. Abnormal. Distressing. Overworked mind.

Not normal. I have this thing where I imagine a "fairytale scenario" as I like to call it, where I was just a normal thinking person. And I'm like "If I could think normally this wouldn't happen" and such idk.

I keep mentally "correcting" things I read. I want to ensure I understand the main picture. Read between the lines and not literally. But perhaps that drives me crazy?

I can't let go of it. That sounds scary. But this has been holding me back. What if it's right? When is it wrong? When should I trust myself, or this disaster of a mental process? Am I my overthinking? Are we the same? Have we merged after all these years?

It doesn't terrorise me 24/7. But things happen often that draws my attention to it. No longer in the background. But it stays in the background of my mind. As if it belongs there. As if it knows that I am too much of a coward to throw it out and beat it to death. Yet *it* runs away like a coward when I attempt to explain it in more specific detail.

Turning my overthinking into a separate entity is a way to avoid blame, perhaps. But it's not like it will ever get better. It's too much in me. Too deeply rooted. To get rid of it would be like trying to clean a really old stain from clothes. Just throw the whole thing away.

Just throw the whole brain away.

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anonymous Other April 23, 2024 at 12:39 pm 1 0