I'm so fucking depressed

I don't care if anyone sees this, I don't care if anyone else cares. i just need to get this off my chest.
Since I was 5, I knew I wanted to be a mom. It was my dream, even if it sounds dumb. Fast forward to the last 3 years. My husband and I are about to get married, and we find out I'm pregnant, approximately 8 weeks along. We get married and we're both SOO fucking excited. We told my parents and my sister. They were so happy for us too. My husband and I went on our honeymoon, and halfway through our week I was about 10 weeks along, and I start bleeding. I get nervous, but many people say some bleeding early on is common. The next morning I start bleeding profusely, so we go to an out of state emergency room. I told them the situation, and I sat in a waiting room for 8 hours, bleeding through pads in less than 30 minutes. They have me pee in a cup to check I'm actually pregnant, and the whole cup is just filled with blood. They confirm it and send me back into the waiting room. In the mean time, I'm in SO much pain it's insane. Eventually I felt a horrible tearing sensation, and I went to the bathroom, and unfortunately passed my baby into a hospital toilet. I didn't know what else to do, so I flushed, and I feel horrible about it to this day. I told them, they did an ultra sound and said everything was out and sent me home. The rest of my honeymoon was horrible, We just drank the entire time. We were broken.
Fast forward 16 months of trying to conceive later, We find out I'm pregnant again. We're elated. I have some medical problems and have already had one miscarriage, so I tell my doctors and they get me in right away to check everything. They did so much blood work, and everything seemed fine. I get to hear my babies heart beat and see them, they were so tiny.
And then again, at 10 weeks and a few days, and I have an appointment. They use an ultrasound to check my baby. They couldn't find their heart beat and the baby was measuring about where it should be. So they send me to a specialized place with better equipment. They confirm I again, have lost my baby. My husband and I are broken all over again. They said my baby must have passed a day or 2 prior to my appointment. I was having issues passing the baby on my own, so I'm scheduled for a d and c. It was terrifying and depressing, but my doctor was really helpful. Since it was my 2nd loss, they offered testing on my baby. This loss had some type of DNA issue. The paperwork says immature chorionic vili, but he said that basically means the babies dna somewhere down the line was messed up, so my body got rid of it. It was reassuring to know why I had a 2nd loss.
Fast forward AGAIN to the very end of 2023. We find out I'm pregnant a third time after forever of trying. I'm hoping 3rd times the charm. But because of my past experiences, we were nervous. I got sent to a maternal fetal medicine clinic due to my high risk and my recurrent losses. Everything was going fine, and i was having appointments every week. I then found out my sister who I'm extremely close with is pregnant as well. I was ELATED our babies were going to grow up together and it was going to be so much fun being moms together with brand new babies. Her due date was 2 weeks after mine. We were going to have our baby shower together too. 2 days before an appointment, I start bleeding again. I know it's not going to go well. I call, and they sound concerned, but try to reassure me it's probably fine. My appointment coming up was an all day ordeal since I was meeting with 2 doctors and getting a lot of testing done. My husband took the day off to be with me. We get to the place and the parking in the parking garage is super tight. I'm type 1 diabetic, and wear an insulin pump. I ripped my pump site out on the door getting out, and since it was going to be an all day thing, I needed a new pump site. My husband went the 10 minutes home to go get a new one. I went into my appointment alone. I wish I would have never had him go get a new site. In the time it took him to go home and come back, I had an ultrasound confirming I was miscarrying...again. for the 3rd time. They took me to a private office and talked to me and were offering different things. I was inconsolable. My husband walked into the room, looked at me, and he knew. His face dropped. My body failed me again. I failed him again. He came and sat with me and held me and sobbed with me. I had the choice of a pill to help pass my poor baby along, or another d and c. I opted for the d and c because my 1st loss I did it on my own and it was horrible. I hated it and it was an experience I'd never wish on anyone. On February 14th, 2024, I started bleeding alot. I talked to my doctor and they scheduled me for an emergency that day. My husband and I spent valentines day in the hospital, getting our poor passed baby removed. They did testing and found absolutely nothing wrong with this baby. We also learned she was a baby girl. I got my dreams in life ripped away from me for the 3rd time. Later, we find out my sister is having a girl. I was happy for her , but it crushed me. Our babies could have been best friends. We would have raised 2 beautiful baby girls together. It would have been a dream come true. But no. I don't get my babies. I get my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on. I get to sit back and get to watch everyone else get what I so desperately want so effortlessly. Later on, no one told me, but my brothers wife is also pregnant with a baby girl. They shared a baby shower, when that was supposed to be my sister and I. I got to watch them open so many baby gifts, and be celebrated and excited. And I sat there shedding tears quietly the whole time. It was horrible. My sisters daughter is 6 months old... every milestone, every photo, everything is a reminder of what was ripped away from me several times. But I love my sister and I love my niece. I'm happy for my sister, and I'm so happy she gave me a beautiful niece. But I'm still sad for me. My other niece is 3 months old and she's also beautiful and healthy, and I love her and my nephew as well.
My brother has 2 kids, my sister has 1, I was supposed to have three, and i have none. I just have a spare room in my house I never enter with baby stuff I was too stupid to wait to buy. A car seat, a high chair, a diaper bag and stuffed animals and toys. I never go in that room.. Everything is just collecting dust. My husband have been waiting to try again until I'm able to see a reproductive immunologist.
I struggle with my fertility, and have miscarried any time I do actually fall pregnant. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Every loss sucked, but the third one changed me. I'll never be the same again.

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+ Other March 31, 2025 at 4:42 pm 1 0