I m so blue

Hi,
I'm ranting because I feel like I don't want people I know to see this annoying side of me. Any opinions would be great!

So I am friends with a lot of people, and I talk to a lot of people. I'm close to them in some aspects and somehow really distant at the same time. I have a very tight group of friends as well, so I'm not a drifter either.

But I am very well aware, that I push hard when it comes to my side of things and I'm overly friendly, but when the other side reciproacates it by inviting me to parties or outings I feel very uncomfortable. I feel that if they know me more than what I want them to know, they will start to see that I am annoying, clingy and extremely attached. I try to seem detached and normal like most people in order to stop feeling like the overly eager one in a friendship, but either I end up failing to do that or I come off as a bitch because I overdo it.

It's complicated because I know that I myself am clingy and annoying, and that's part of me and I don't want to lose myself. But I also understand that being detached and cool is the best way to avoid being hurt.

I've told my friends about these but not to the extent I'm writing here, because I know that the reason I'm so flighty is because I'm constantly insecure about my body and personality. But if people are aware that that is how I constantly see myself, I'm afraid they would realize how weak and pessimistic I am. Even I hate when people complain too much about hating and underestimating themselves. Sometimes, I seem so confident, even I don't know where it comes from. And from other's perspective, I actually may seem like a dramatic and carefree person because of how lighthearted I seem. But then other times, I look at myself and wonder if I would be friends with someone like myself and I think I'm ugly and overly dramatic. I want to stop being loud, have self-control and I want to stop hating myself but I just can't. I've tried constantly to lose weight and to maintain a good life style. Everytime things start looking up, some event occurs and I'm derailed again. And I also know that everyone has these problems and I am supposed to be able to handle myself, I'm not the only one tragedies occur to and not the one who has it worst either. In fact, I'm so lucky and I should use what was given to me to maintain myself. And I hate that I can't.

With that said, I can't imagine a future for myself. I want to be a teacher, because I think it would be fun to teach the knowledge i have gained but I have doubts about whether I should be allowed to do that.I don't think all the pain I feel (although not in proportion to the reasons) is worth living life. I wouldn't kill myself because I am scared of pain. I'm trying to escape mental pain, but i cant handle physical pain either. But if there was a method to die peacefully without pain, I would take it.

At times I'm happy too, but during the worse times is when i think the happiness is not worth it.

I'm sorry if you've read this and it ruined you day :( but thank you

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meow Relationships April 09, 2020 at 10:56 am 0 0