I'm jealous of my brother

I'm jealous of my brother.

Growing up, my parents were really hard on me. There was no room to make mistakes or go through a rebellious phase. I wasn't allowed to be a child, I wasn't allowed to be a teenager. I had to always be perfect in respecting them, doing as they wanted, and reaching their expectations. My dad didn't even want a daughter, and he had his own goals for my life and so did my mom.

If I was rebellious in my teenage years, they were vigilant in cutting that out of me. Speaking back? Did I want to be slapped? Having my own opinion? Did I want to be yelled at or whipped? I felt unsafe to even be in their presence for too long because I felt like any mishap or mistake I may make would be swiftly met with repercussions.

I could never join clubs in school, I didn't even get a phone till high school, and that was out of necessity and because I had proven to them that I was responsible in my grades and attitude toward them. Friends? They never existed outside of school. I can count on one hand the amount of times I hung out with a friend outside of school, and each of those times an adult was present (like my mom or eldest sister).

I'm now 22, and I still follow the rules they engrained in my subconsciousness. My youngest brother on the other hand?

My youngest brother is 17, he's been caught with a vape, has admitted to drinking alcohol, has a girlfriend, got a phone in middle school, is able to talk back to my parents, yell at them, storm out in front of them, make messes and not clean them up, and go out with friends whenever he wants. Money is basically handed to him, and he doesn't even need to do well in school.

My parents are older not, so sure age has a factor, they don't have the energy to be as mean as they were to me. But I can't help but wish for them to be somewhat authoritative toward him. Why does he get to be so flawed and disrespectful? "That's just your brother, that's how he talks." What about younger me?

My brother gets to joke about sleeping around, he has a girlfriend and can joke about cheating on her in front of my parents. I had a secret L.D. BF whom I was abused by and I had to beg my mom not to be hard on me.

He can make messes and not clean up after himself, and my mom shrugs it off with a smile "That's your brother haha." as she cleans up his mess for him. I was making honor roll every quarter and was expected to still do my chores. They wouldn't lower the bar for me despite me begging them to put me in therapy for my mental ailments. But he can talk about a tough situation with his friends and the red carpet is rolled out for him.

I don't get it.

I'm so heartbroken, because now I see that this tenderness and understanding was in them all along... I just wasn't deserving enough for it. What more could I have done? How much more perfect could I have been? Why couldn't they have loved me the way they love him?

Because he was allowed to grow up naturally, he's a lot more well rounded than I am. He's met the milestones every teenager should meet social wise. He can drive, he has a job, he has friends he can go out with and go to when he's stressed. Me? My parents kept me from making any social connections because school came first.

I'm of course doing my best now to become well-rounded...but it's so hard. I was sheltered and abused, I don't know HOW to make friends. I've had to be my own company for so many years, how to I even begin to open up to others?

I know this isn't the healthiest way to go about life. Though I'm enraged at how he'll treat our parents I don't treat him too much differently than our other siblings. Honestly, if he just cleaned up after himself and was respectful I'd be able to brush it all off, but even those simple asks don't apply to him. Because those asks are SO simple, it just makes me even angrier.

He's in clubs and has a job and gets to drive our parent's cars, when I was 17 I wasn't even allowed to walk anywhere, forget crossing a street... so driving? That wasn't even in my thoughts at that age. I hear his accomplishments and get upset because I think so often "What if I was given the love and room to grow, like he was? I'd have been able to live happily too, I'd have been able to go to prom, join clubs, drive, and flourish."

I'm upset at him for being the way he is, I'm upset at my parents for letting him get away with it, I'm upset at my parents for not giving me the same amount of care, and I'm upset at myself for not achieving as much as my younger self had hoped I would by this age.

I'm writing this now to try and kill this emotion. It's exhausting to carry this with me. I'm doing this for myself of course, but also because I want to love my parents and brother more. I can't help how things turned out, and I can't get them to be stricter with my brother because they'll excuse anything he does, so the only thing I can TRULY change is myself.

Of course, our lives are more complicated than this, but writing down everything would take ages. And I hope to tackle this one specific emotion head-on. I don't want to be jealous of my brother anymore, I don't want to emotionally beg for my parents to make up lost time with me. The time has passed, and I'm older now. It's unfortunate, but the younger me will always go without- because that's how life played out. But the present me and future me don't have to.

I can change. I can live better, I can give myself all the things I needed back then... the love, the care, the acceptance, the tenderness, the room to grow, the freedom to make mistakes, the safety, the warmth and understanding. I can give myself all of these things now. I can't help how I was raised, but I can pull out all of those weeds from the past and turn myself into the best garden I can be. I need to stop letting the past choke me out, it'll only cheat me out of time and that's something that's truly limited.

I know you're a stranger, but please wish me well. It's really difficult having to make do with the cards you're dealt- and I'm not the first to grapple with this reality. But human to human, I ask that you wish me the best, and I wish the same for you. Thank you.

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Navia Other September 20, 2024 at 7:27 pm 0 0