I am scared

I am super scared. I have to make so many decisions in so little time and my brain fog is not helping. I want my brain to be active and it seems to be sleeping.
The thing is, I'm moving cities. there are a lot of uncertainties ahead of me. and time is unstoppable. and its not just intellectual decisions like figuring out expenses, apartment, adjusting to the new city, finding work etc. Its also crippling anxiety of letting my friends and family know that I'm going away. Its a huge emotional task. I am gonna have to break a lot of hearts. I don't think I'm ready for it. but the thing is its inevitable at this point. cuz I have already given my word to my girlfriend. She's excited. I'm also excited to finally live with her but the excitement quickly fades away when I start thinking about these problems.

Its so hard to be present and be feeling the things. I'm scared that I'll never be present and not numb. The time has come when I have to take control of my life but my brain is just not available. It doesn't operate at the same sharpness as it used to. There are worries that kill my creativity. The worries kill my thinking capacity. I have know idea how I'll navigate this.

I'm a freelancer. Honestly, what I earn is not enough for the city I want to live in. But the work in the new city pays more than work in my current city. So I'm gonna have to shift my revenue source to the new city which requires me to say no to the clients I have and waiting till I generate new clients in the new city. The transition scares me but it is incredibly important for my future. And whenever anything incredibly important and scary comes along my brain just shuts off. I become a zombie. I cant think straight. I just go in this go with the flow kind of life which takes me to seek more comfort and stagnation. I am scared to stagnation. And fear is a mind killer. The fear to not kill my mind is killing my mind. Don't send help I'll be okay. I am gonna fight this. Just like all of you : )

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anonymous Other February 05, 2025 at 11:43 pm 0 0