How to not give up

I convinced myself i got better and i was trying but this genuinely never stops and i cant do this anymore . I will never stop feeling so fucking alone and im tired of being the only one who cares. I get used and discarded and i was done with it. I had already accepted that i was someone to be replaced and we are all unreliable people that you can't depend on . But god, i am so sick of this. I am tired of trying to take things in stride, to give myself this false hope time and time again that i will no longer be like this. At first i lulled myself into a false sense of things will be okay, i can change for the better, morph every aspect of myself and if i look beautiful, if i act a certain way, and be someone who is admirable and good in every sense then i would be happier. That i would somehow finally accept myself as i changed. My self hatred stems from everything around me and what i see daily digusts me. I thought that being called a fat pig, worthless and a failure wouldnt stick with me as long as i thought but i internalised it a little to well i think. Im resigned to this face and i have accepted that but i still cant hide my shame. I can't handle the insomnia or the anxiety or the depression that i use as an automatic explanation to why i feel so hopeless. This constant rumination plagues me and i wish it would stop. Its embarrasing when people want to take pictures of me, or if im in social situations and even with fucking family i hold myself back from saying anything, to save myself from being scrutinised and ignored. This is definitely a self pity rant but when i do find myself talking to people, and i talk a lot, i realise how much effort i put in and its never reciprocated back. I just want, like everyone does just to feel considered, and cared about the same way i do. Nothing i do helps. Whether its the healthy habits i tried to incorporate, or me appreciating nature i still feel fucking miserable inside, and i fear my sister was right when she called me a miserable person who find nothing but fault in others. Not sure if that were her exact words and if im paraphrasing but i just need this shit to stop being a fucking repetitive cycle.

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anonymous Other July 18, 2026 at 8:45 pm 1 3