Happy fucking birthday

My brithday is in like 3 days, I have an exam on my birthday, I have basically nobody to celebrate it with. Everyone has bailed on me I guess. I have friends but they aren't close enough for me to call them over and stuff but it's not like they're enemies either you know? I used to have them but I switched schools a lot and so I guess that's probably why it hasn't grown to be that way. I miss being celebrated with people that choose you and it fucking sucks to hear that people do not have me on their priority at all. I am the therapist friend, I do give a lot of myself when I form connections with people, I don't have it in me to be shallow and stuff. I know this sounds like a victim mindset thing but I mean ofcourse I might have shortcomings, but I've seen people worse than me and not as nice or meaner or just laid back have friends even a friend group. I don't even have like a single really close friend where I could have a heart to heart conversation with and I would honestly be really happy if just one person other than the people that are obligated to love me, would choose me. It makes me sad.
Now, the other problem with being sad is that well when I'm sad god fucking forbid my parents catch me that way cause then the bs of Oh if you are sad we are ten times sadder and then they end up over reacting emotionally and then I have to emotionally regulate them.
I used to be a top student, honour rolls and shit like that and now I've fallen off too. I do not know what to do with my life anymore, I genuinely feel alone like I have nobody to celebrate with, I just feel crap. Like I used to have so much hope, I would spend hours dreaming and I would be genuinely excited to sleep cause I would get to dream and stuff but now I get those old people with a stick up in their ass pessimistic all the time cause I feel like things do suck.
It just sucks that all I want is people to be there for me and I never imagined that would be something too much to ask and it does suck that I won't have the birthday I imagined. Last time my parents fucked up and they fought horribly on my birthday and now they're trying to overcompensate I guess?
I'm so alone and I miss having a friendgroup like I used to in middleschool. I miss going downstairs and hanging out because people wanted to, instead of places where they have to.

I just feel numb now and it's like everytime I try and make a step towards something it is never enough and everyone is always ahead and it is so frustrating and I hate it I hate writing this too it is so redundant and frustrating.

I guess the vulnerable part is what is so repulsive about me? Why can't someone like me have the life I want and what is wrong with that, why do I have to feel like I am slogging all the time when people who are content do not do that.
When I was a kid, I said I wanted to be a butterfly. and I am just so sad so sad all the time it just doesn't go away.
I feel like everything is so so unfair.

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Zooweemama Friends February 09, 2026 at 12:01 pm 3 0