confusion

i hung out with my boyfriends family today for his moms bday and feel overwhelmed with these annoying thoughts. i feel like my life is changing in a direction i don’t really like. i want to feel clear, healthy, sovereign, sweet, peaceful, creative, in love with the spice of life. but my boyfriends brother has a girlfriend he started dating maybe six months ago maybe a little more but i don’t remember seeing her before then. i see her way too often, she sends endless and copious amounts of packages to our house and its maybe my fault that i feel like it’s a boundary crossed and it’s caused me to see insecurity surface in myself. i feel unprotected by my boyfriend. the first ever time they accused me of stealing their package, the next few times they come in without knocking or acknowledging me, they only call or knock when my boyfriend is home so to him it’s like they’re perfect angels lol & the girlfriend one time called my bfs name in a sing songy voice as if he was going to come bearing her package . they came in on wednesday while we were eating dinner and acknowledged our dogs 150% more than they acknowledged me (0%) which i kinda didn’t care that much but the part that makes me angy is that they say goodbye and hello to my boyfriend like im not there. and when we were at the restaurant everyone was just so confused. the restaurant was so busy we were waiting for like and hour and a half and were there for like 3 hours. the wait staff kept going to the wrong tables and then we went to his grandmas house where we all stood around aimlessly recanting stories of the far distant past and looking at the walls and my body just wouldn’t stop bouncing with anxiety lol. i want to live my life to the fullest, to dance, have fun, live passionately, to make love to life and i felt suppressed so bad. probably from my own limiting beliefs and habits. anyways when we were leaving the girlfriend have my boyfriend a hug which i kinda despised lol. he’s his own person and it’s his own body but she hugged me from behind at the restaurant and prank called my work and wants to work there too and comes to my house every week it’s like boundaries must not be her thing lol. idk i know im going to die one day so it sucks that my attention is stuck on these lame dramatic human facets that don’t matter. i want something different in life. i want to feel blissfully alive. i want to create my life from my heart. it kind of feels like i’m letting it just pass me by and being complicit. k want to step up and control these stupid meaningless thoughts. i want to steer my attention away from this dumb drama and care about my own fun life and creating love in it. i do feel just in a weird liminal place. where i recognize all these things that don’t seem right but i don’t know where to turn.

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dreamer Home January 26, 2025 at 1:39 am 0 0