Bad luck nothing but

Firstly i had a terrible start in life and suffered real trauma for years throughout my early childhood i was adopted as a baby so never knew my real parents. On top of that i had a abusive adoptive mother who used to shake me and bang my against the wall as a small todler to get me to go to sleep. I suffered terrible night fevers for years hallucinations due to being left in the cold as a baby my temperature didnt regulate properly. My mother was not only physically abusive to me as a child she later she became emotionally abusive as well. If you cant look after children dont adopt simples. My dad was emotionally unavailable away working all the time and only home weekends, never the type to give you a compliment or a hug and although he could provide me the world materialisticly he never had a positive word to say about anything it was always negative about anyone i met or anything new i wanted to try he would always put me down and find reasons why i cant do it. I was bullied terribly all through primary school not only by kids but teachers as well because i was different due to my early life trauma and possible mild aspergers. I wasnt good at anything either so grew up feeling inferior to everyone else. So i used to play up as a way of retaliating then be forced to stay alone in my room all night most evenings. Never had a normal childhood, trips out was just kept in all the time weekends the only brief happiness i experienced in my early childhood was when we went on holiday twice a year and christmas. Later i was sent to boarding school where i had the happiest years of my life and its ashame that ended because the rest of my life has been terrible there during secondry school i discovered my talent for singing and. Writing, i felt part of a community as in the past i felt beneath others. I cried when i left. Then i went to college studied performing arts where i was bullied for 3 years by my peers. I did make a few friends during my first month but unfortunately those few nice people left and all the horrible ones stayed. In my third year, i met one really nice friend who was a lot older than me. Throughout my life nothing has come natural to me. Singing being the only thing i could do but i had nothing else to go with it. No real stage pressence, and my fear of balloons bursting and loud sudden bangs is another unlucky thing that has always held me back. The one thing i wanted to do growing up was musical theatre i have good dance/movement ability as well as a soprano voice but unfortunately due to my sensory issue with loud bangs that has denied my any opportunity of taking this career further. I also discovered i have a chronic femine problem so cant have sex up the front like a normal person so that has again limited me of having the same opportunities as everyone else as regards to finding a decent partner and if i ever did decide i want kids i cant have them like a normal person nor enjoy the pleasure of sex. In my adult life i spent ten years in and out of shitty jobs trying to make it as a singer but just having bad luck all the time. Then i met my ex i was with for 7 years, he was an alchoholic and mentally abusive jealous of anyone i spoke to. So i did in my adult life manage to make a few nice friends and get a relatively good social life but my ex sucked all the joy out of me like a mill stone around my neck. For 7 years i stayed living in squallow with him his friends using my flat like a doss house staying all day from 10:am to 11pm smoking weed and drinking and i could not say anything about it i was living in hell. Within those 7 years i lost my grandparents in the same year, my best male friend the year after he committed suicide, set alight to himself in his flat. The shock and heartbreak traumatised me even though i didnt physically see it ihappen. I loved him as a brother. My own brother is far to busy with his perfect life witg his partner and too selfish to ever ring or even make time for me. then another good friend who was a taxi driver, he died year after of covid. He was a really close friend i did singing with and went to mediumship nights with. Then the worst one of all my lovely friend mary died year after that, she was one of the purest souls, a rare genuine person she died of pancreatic cancer i didnt even ger to say goodbye to her. She asked me to go travelling with her but i didnt due to other commitments. I loved her more than anyone id ever met. She never wronged me once in the 10 years i knew her and too be honest i dont love my adoptive mum or dad i actually really hate them after how they treat me. My brother i love a bit but nothing deep. Mary and mickey were the only two people i ever loved and alan the taxi driver i thought of very fondly. And in those 7 years of hell, they died i felt i had nothing left to go back to nothing to look forward to, nothing good in my life. Just a dead end of a life of druggies, dossers and alchohol. My ex partner shouting a screaming at me every night, threatening to kill himself if i ever leave him the noisy nasty neighbours upstairs keeping me awake all night when i had to work the next day. Just a terrible life. We never did anything like normal mundane happy people do, never went to the beach, sat at the table and had candle lit dinners, went cinema twice in 7 years dreadful life that just revolved around his addictions and on top of that separate from that ive suffered tremendous loss and grief over the years. I eventually gathered up the strength to leave him. I was single for a year. During that period i didnt have anyone in my life i considered genuine. Fair weather friends, i have one really close friend but she works a lot. Apart from that i am the girl that everyone invited to the party but i had no one ever close enough to me. I was always 7th on everybodys list no one to consider me number 1 in their life or friendship circles so a lot of my loneliness and struggles i went through alone. On top of that the only new people i was meeting in that time period turned out to be wrongings, i met this chap i had a brief fling with but he was doing drugs and keeping it from me plus made an advance at two people i knew when he was seeing him. Through him i had opportunities to meet his uncle who was very spiritual and had same interests as me, but through the fact that he was a complete cunt i had to cut ties with his uncle as well. I met someone else through work i thought would beca nice friend but she went behind my back and lied to my boss about me pretending to be like a sister to my face and then backstabbing me behind my back. Its bad enough that i have had to work harder then most due to my mental healtg just to be able to hold down an every day job and run a flat because i have had no luck ive had to work harder then most to get where i am then i have some bitch come in and try and fuck it all up for me. Anyway she left in the end but has continued to try and cause trouble for me, making prank calls to my workplace indirectly through her neighbour to try and get into my head, intimidating me in town, trying to contact my friends and get friendly with them and she even tried to flirt with my partner im with now in which she was jealous of him being in my life and not hers which could be one of the reasons why she turned sour, that and the fact im good at my job plus friendly and approachable as well with the customers. I have always beeb an empath and i did some dog sitting for her because i felt sorry for her as she said she was having a hard time with her daughter but she took advantage of my kind nature. Anyway back to current day. I met my current partner i am with now, he is a lot, lot older than me 28 years age gap. At first it seemed like a really good idea and i was really happy with him for a while. He seemed to have lots in common with me, enjoys doing different things, i have done more with him then i did with my ex in 7 years even though he is a heavy drinker in the pub most days, he is not an adict unlike my ex so i make allowances for that because i met him in a pub. Providing he keeps a balance and does other things with me inbetween as well in which he does. But just recently, i have seen him changing, shouting at me all the time. He rung his brother up xmas day and called me stupid in front of him because he wanted to put a frozen turkey in a slow cooker. I didnt think that was fully safe, he called me a bitch this morning because washed up he left raw meat on a plate and didnt scrub it off with hot water i wouldnt have said anything to him to save arguements but didnt want to risk getting ill. I feel like i am tripping on egg shells around him cant even speak or have a normal conversation without him shouting at me, there is no middle ground with him, no compromise or solution, or how can we fix this attitude he just wants to be right all the time. There is no talking things through. Yet again another form of control in another way, unhappy again. All ive had all my life is abuse i dont think i would know what love felt like if it slapped me in the face. But i am terribly fearful of dying, worse what happens to the soul afterwards and thats why i dont want to be alone. In my case nothing good ever happens for me i am destined to live a miserable life. Ive agreed to marry him cant really back out now because ive spent a fortune already on bridesmaid dresses. Its not like opportunities ever happeb for me yet another dead end. I feel dead inside eveb though im alive. Its sad really too tired to live yet im too scared to die. Whatever happens to me after death will probably be horrific maybe there is a big dark secret and tge workd workd and everything, even the divine is against and wants to see me suffer. There is nobody i truly trust in my life nothing. I recently got back in touch with a friend of mine who is a retired singer. She has been helping me to get some gigs for this year. We made a demo CD, ive been learning tones of new songs and im not going to lie its beenba lot of hatdwork balancing around my job and my pool tornaments but even that has gone wrong so far. We spent ages working on this album but the vox wasnt right on some of the tracks, one of the tracks was put on there twice, i was hoping by january this year, i would have all the demo discs done to send to venues but im not better off then when i started so far and what pisses me off even more is that my boss has a reasonable nice voice, its not a trained voice or anywhere near the same league as mine. She isnt even trying to be a singer in fact she has stage fright but she was singing to the radio alongside a volunteer who plays the ukalali and some woman hears her singing as asks her to be her backing singer in her band, and then she says the volunteer who was in that day could play his ukalali. Now im out the back of the shop and never hear or see this woman. But what frustrates me is that i only ever get bad luck and those sorts of opportunities never happen for me. I just want to get started on the music cicuit, be it in a band or solo. But my boss isnt even trying yet she is luckier than me and its unbelievable some of tge bad stuff that has happened over my life one thing after another, i have never known the good or had very lityle happiness in my life. Im tired of fighting, tired of running, im broken, numb dead inside. If i was ever given a choice i wish i had never been born.

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Anonymous Other January 09, 2025 at 12:35 am 0 0