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Aspergers. Man. It is a nightmare. Accidentally married someone with AS. And i stress ACCIDENTALLY, as I have seen the devastation which is "being" with one of these people. They should come with a warning and anyone displaying these behaviours should be tested in school so that us normal people dont get trapped in something that ruins our lives. Yeah theyre all different yeah yeah, I know, some are worse than others. No one can be happy with these people. NO ONE. WHATEVER. seriously. My life is devastated from one of these un empathetic, desolate wasteland of emotions people. Learn to think like them? F*** that. Thats impossible and would require losing most of the characteristics that make us human, that allow us to connect to others. everyday is misery for me. every day and night and unfortunately, i have a child to care for. ME. not them. because they are far incapable of providing the proper emotional spectrum to a child, a partner, a stranger dying on the street. anyone. they cant be taught or helped. they never ever will change. Maybe they can marry each other? Because that would work out fine im sure. two emotionless zombies that want everyone to bend to their quirks and "needs", whatever those are. because they usually never share what it is they need. because they dont know themselves all they know is that they have "quirks" and want it THEIR way or else. I seriously hope anyone even considering being or staying with someone with AS RUNS AWAY after reading this. And if youve already given yourself a life sentence of misery and a loveless life, well , just ignore them, besides, they wont care or notice anyways. theres no hope. And theyre always saying they will work on this or that or change this or that, and yeah, ive seen a change, just like a robot can be taught to build a car or walk in a straight line. emotionless. empty. and yeah i hate him. everyday. and feel completely trapped in this relationship. And before you all go judging ME, you dont even begin to know my situation. What do I do? where do i turn? No one sees the dysfunction which is them. im sure they sense something but they dont see the rest of the picture. I am stuck in a place far far from home. a different language, a different culture, no friends no family of my own. he makes and has made 0 effort to show me his country, teach me anything whatsoever, help me through a devastating illness ive had, and hes an irresponsible self loathing sarcastic, disrespectful, lying piece of human waste. But its always ME. Its always MY FAULT. I dont "get him" why dont i just do it "his way" why dont i just make everything easier for him by doing what he wants and acting like a voide all the time? Learn to speak "aspie" aka: no relative human emotions. No insight, no foresight, no thought, no consideration, no love, no respect. Just SPEAK robot. YEAH. NOT HAPPENING. so, i am MISERABLY STUCK IN THIS FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS NOW. and honestly i wish he would just disappear and never return. theres no hope. and if I didnt have a child, i would have left him a long time ago. and if i wasnt stuck in a foreign place, even moreso. and ive wasted so many many years trying to figure out "wtf is wrong with him and how can i help him"? "how can i fix him"? "whats going on here"? constantly modifying MY actions and behaviours for HIM while he does nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. while he pranced around with out a care in the world. ignoring my sadness, ignoring my anger and feelings because why? HE HAS NONE. The only emotion he feels is anger and self pity. now, WHERE IS MY TIME MACHINE? WHERE?

anonymous Body May 22, 2018 at 5:26 pm 39
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Coming from the 26 year old son of AS father undiagnosed of Course. Just want to say I completely understand the frustrations shown in this page towards AS relationships and I completely agree. I’m 26 an only child and my life has been miserable with this man as my father and to my mother as well. I was emotionally neglected from a young age. My undiagnosed AS father refused to talk to me for years. Never went to my sports events. Was in the worst mood anytime he had to take me anywhere as a kid (dr sports appt) etc. His neglect led me to hating him through my teen years and we got physical a few times. TRroughout my childhood and early adulthood my mom would always stress to me how he loved me when I got mad due to his not giving a shit aka emotional neglect. OK I get it they can’t feel empathy blah blah blah. But too a child to be ignored and neglected his whole life by his father. I suffer from depression, anxiety and minor drug addictions now due to all the fucked up shit this fake father has put me through. A Sifre from the straight up not caring for me he never washes his hands when he cooks! Makes a huge countless messes. If you try to tell him he did something wrong he argues to you and lies. He plays music rediculously loud at early hours. And he constantly talks to himself. TBH I moved back in with my parents this past year due to a career change and his AS has gotten worst I have ever seen he is off the handle and my mom is not looking well. He constantly is talking and yelling to himself unless she’s in the room with him. She’s so burnt out on his behaviors she straight up ignores them half the time. He always cooks and majority of the time the meat comes out raw it’s a huge issue. ugh my life has been one strange fucking nightmare. To all I feel your pain seriously, and if I say one thing, please these people are not fit to have children. They just don’t care and they can’t . Any child with an AS parent will have serious problems growing up and as an adult, it’s definitly fucked me up bad.

anonymous 5 years ago
Hi, I am married to a Aspie husband too. I really understand how you feel. He is lack of symphaty and does not understand feelings well. I am also in a foreign country like you. The first two years before we got married, he was nice and hid his Aspergers from me and my family. I did’nt even know what Aspergers was. I knew it later when his parents told me the truth. I am crying out loud right now because all good memories are gone. He is very smart and went to Harvard. I met him there. I was a tourist and met him. I thought Harvard students should have been responsible and known how to take care of health. But noo.. His health turned so bad. He drunk too much and almost killed himself. His real him showed after we got married. I try to help him and give suggestions on being healthy like get more exercise, use computer less, stop biting nails, sleep more, take care of hygiene. But he didn’t do it. He blamed his parents for everything that happened in life. And he complains that I am the one who complains. I never think he is wrong. I try to help him to be healthier. He thinks I am stupid and I am from a Third world country. He thinks I am not smart like him and never listens to my opinions. Aspergers also has shy personality and he is kind of having social phobia. He is good at cooking and loves to be with dogs only. He hates going out. I have to do things alone. He doesn’t take care of health much. He has gained lots of weight and now has no job. He just works on stock markets. I tried to help him as much as I can. I took him to see a doctor for depression. He sometimes doesnt take pills. He doesn’t believe he has aspergers. Before we got married, he wanted kids. Right now, he doesn’t want kids. (I want kids) He usually say mean things. Sex turned bad also. There is no foreplay in bed. I must have sex with him becauae I love him. But no pleasure on it. Everything turned so bad. I think he trapped me into marrying him. And then he doesn’t care. His parents are so nice to me. I am thinking of leaving him now. I have helped him a lot. My parents give me money. We helped him when he was in a hospital. I never took advantages from him. I knew the pain of a person who posted this. Aspie is sweet for something only. The rest are painful and mean. Your life will be suffering.

anonymous 5 years ago
I totally agree with you. I've been stuck in a relationship with an asperger for 20 years and every day is hell, and even every day will be worse. My husband, in addition to everything you describe, is violent, psychopathic, he hits me and I can not pick up my things and leave because he persecutes me. If I want to leave, I have to disappear because he has a lot of money and I do not, so he hires lawyers to get me out on the street. He has reached the point of letting everyone we know, to know that the aggressive person is me, the hists me and he screams to make believe the neighbors that I am the one who defects him. Not only has asperger added to everything that you live the aggressiveness, the threats the screams and manipulation. I also recommend everyone who is close to someone with asperger to disappear !!!!!!!!! They do not love their mothers !!!!! But my recommendation is not to speak it, because they're going to manupulate or threaten, do not say anything, save some money and one day they are not at home pick up everything and flee as far as possible, leave no trace or you will find them, change phone and disappear, my husband once found me by google maps and not let me go from home. FLEET WITHOUT LEAVING TRAIL, there is no way to fix anything I've been 20 years and I've tried everything, or even go to therapy because he's perfect and it's me who does EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING EVIL !!!!!!!!!!!!! ! It is the worst hell you can live, I almost prefer to die.

anonymous 5 years ago
Sorry but my husband has asperger and he hates his father and his mother, only because they were not perfevt parents and because they made minor mistakes that any father could make, I do not say it, he says. He treats his parents only when he needs money and FINGE literally that he wants them to pay for things. I DO NOT SAY IT, IT SAYS IT

anonymous 5 years ago
If you were dating or engaged I might have more sympathy. Did you rush into marriage?

Why would you have a child with someone without emotion? This reeks of you being extremely codependent and wanting to "fix" him. It is a neurological disorder - you can't fix someone with AS any more than you can fix someone with Down's Syndrome.

Sorry you are hurting but you brought it on yourself.
anonymous 5 years ago
As someone with AS, I tend to agree with your frustration. AS isn't an excuse to be an a**hole or narcissistic. Unfortunately, with older AS people, they may wind up set in these ways so you should try and get out of the relationship. Find the local embassy for your country (or closest one) and go there. Make an appointment to discuss leaving. Your relationship sounds abusive so there are resources for abused women out there.

I am younger and treatment for AS has come a long way but having been in groups with older AS people who had no such treatment, they can be quite self centered. In relationships, I tend to overly verbalize to my partner since I don't emote since I understand it can be painful for a NT to share something emotional and not get the appropriate non-verbal response.

Sounds like yours isn't even verbally explaining himself and is being overtly emotionally abusive.
anonymous 5 years ago
I just can't imagine how someone could "accidentally" marry someone without knowing their condition.
anonymous 5 years ago
Dating an asperger is a-n-n-o-y-i-n-g thank God I got out of it! To marry one must be hell ... RUN RUN RUN!!!

anonymous 5 years ago
Unless you have been living with an aspie you have no idea what this rant is about. unfortunately their diagnosis always comes too late. Damage is done. Anyhow they wouldn't know or understand how to fix the situation. So so sad (:

anonymous 5 years ago
Anyone who thinks they “accidentally married” someone has issues way too big for them to ever point fingers.

anonymous 5 years ago
He is always perfect. Everything is always my fault or the kids. He yells and screams and has melt downs if we don’t want to join his special areas of interest. He even punched a hole through my sons door because he had locked it. Then the ass decides to fix it when he calms down. My poor kid was trembling and crying. I stayed with him. This is the best. I explain to my kids who both have AS that they should thank someone who cooked them a meal each time by offered a compliment. Then I give my husband his plate. He says nothing abd starts to eat. I was like HELLO???? Anyone home??? Don’t you want your kids to learn any manners or respect??? That’s just one example of a million. I do my own things. I have started to build my own life with my kids. My husband is like a special needs child that needs s mother to look after him. When he’s mad at me I’m like a roommate that he doesn’t talk to. If he left tomorrow would I notice he’s gone? Yes! It would be calm and peaceful.

anonymous 5 years ago
Dating them is like dating a baby..and a whole family !!! Your whole life is broadcasted!ur the demon..damned if u do damned if u dont...sometimes i wonder what I did to deserve this situation and why I had to fall in love with him...
Of course dont ever accept them to apologise! AGAIN,these motherfuxkers are SICK!!!!

anonymous 5 years ago
Fuck these aspergers people! Im 23 was invilved with one for a month and a half only and he ruined my life!!!NEVER AGAIN! and plus his mom was the one controlling him and saying that I was making him miserable...their whole family is behind them and will say that you are making them miserable
A month and half of relationship that still has me having nightmares till this day!!! Yes at first,he was cute;innocent,shy...i loved him so much but he was unable to decide for himself!!
Here I am in november still sad over everything while Mr has already moved on like nothing with his new gf that looks like a man!
Plus he was so selfish he didnt even want to practise safe sex

anonymous 5 years ago
I am a teenager with aspergers who found this after just being diagnosed I also have dyslexia. Some of the stories here are absolutely horrible no two ways about it and nobody should be put in those situations but ( and I feel bad saying but) please, please, please don't hold this against most people with aspergers I know how to feel empathy it's just that I don't always catch on straight away. I read one comment that said something along the lines of I couldn't imagine not feeling grief when someone dies, but I do feel grief I have been to more funerals than weddings and when my grandmother died I broke down crying in a hair dresser. I sorry to make this about me In general my life isn't that bad. Judging by some of these stories it could be so much worse, I only want you to think.

anonymous 5 years ago
So many of these comments are just horrible. Blaming the woman because she is trapped in a foreign country with a child, in an impossible marriage and situation... and people are calling her a "moron" or a "bitch" or worse? I can hardly believe it, outside of seeing my own Asperger's husband ALWAYS being the "golden boy" and me being "in the wrong," no matter what.

I hope this woman has figured out a way to get out of the relationship, as nothing will help improve it. "Therapy" can often make things worse. One person suggested "talking directly to her husband about her concerns" as if the woman has not tried this!

Believe me, by the time people start posting on the web, they are desperate and at their wit's end. There is NO "happy ending" to an Asperger Relationship unless the NT ("normal") person leaves.

I did not do that, listening to all the nonsense that is also offered here in the comments, and I have wasted almost 40 years - my entire adult life. What do I do now, that I am sick - in good part from the constant stress of this loveless marriage - and from a myriad of stress-related illnesses? Go to the old folk's home and live out my life in a wheelchair with nurses taking care of me? Or try to find some kind of way to get better and find a cure, which also involves getting into a safe and secure environment, which is NOT what I am in now?

I hope that people learn to listen to the people who have been damaged by being in an Asperger's relationship and they learn to leave - to SAVE THEMSELVES.

It's no different than being married to an alcoholic, drug addict or gambler... except that everyone will keep telling you "Oh, but he loves you; he needs you; you are so lucky to have him" and ad nauseam.

Only YOU know what you are going through... you and all the other NT spouses who are suffering as much as you are.

There is NO CURE and NO WAY OUT, until you WALK OUT THAT DOOR. I am trying to figure out how to set up an affordable support system for myself and "get the heck out of Dodge" before it's completely too late.

These Asperger's relationships are a giant Tsunami or Earthquake just waiting to happen, and he will NOT be there with you to help "pick up the pieces." No, he will be complaining and expecting YOU to do it all, and it will all be "your fault."

Nothing is his fault... he bears NO responsibility in ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS. Remember this. It is one of the main constrictions of a relationship with him. You will bear all the responsibilities and the blame, with NONE of the rewards.

Get out while you are young enough to save yourself. Before it's truly too late. Take it from one that knows, and waited too darn long to help themselves.

I will find a way, even from a wheelchair if that what it comes down to. I will survive!

With blessings from the Divine, Dear God please show us THE WAY.

Gracias, Amen.
anonymous 5 years ago
As an Asperger's guy myself who knows many others with the condition, I'm sorry to hear you were going through all this.

But I have to say, I'm sad to see what appears to be an Asperger's hate cult amongst women having bad experiences with guys with AS in relationships. Like everyone else, we're all different and the condition affects us all in different ways.

I could rant on about how much I hate normal people and call them names because many of them I've experienced happen to lack consciousness, logic, morality, reason, creativity, can't critically think and are only 20% rational (as many commenters here have demonstrated), but I know that there are many normal people without these issues, or at least have learned to overcome them. The same applies to guys with AS.

I understand your frustrations, but instead of ranting about how worthless and terrible AS guys are and making sweeping generalisations about them, you really should learn some more about this condition, especially after marrying someone with it and perhaps meet some other people with it. It might change your perception at least and you won't have this antipathy towards them.

Good Luck!

-The Pyx
anonymous 5 years ago
My aspie boyfriend prefers women who are compliant. Oh dear.... I have quite a strong personality so I guess if I am to stay with him I'll need to change. He certainly won't. Another thing I'm curious to know..Do other aspies walk fast and take off ahead of their partners? Mine walks on ahead and doesn't wait for me to catch up so I have to run along like a puppy dog to get beside him. He also has a terrible sense of direction. I let him lead the way even though I sense we are going in the wrong direction. Very quirky. Not sure why I'm so taken with this man. Guess I like trying to make sense of him. Like a puzzle! He raves on and on about his latest topic of interest ( currently the Roman Empire) without understanding that it's not my cup of tea. On occasions I learn something but after about 10 mins my eyes glaze over... Then he'll say he must stop talking.... but an hour later he starts up again... on the Roman Empire!!!! A highly intelligent man but has low EQ.

anonymous 5 years ago
My mother died and I am left dealing with the old aspie husband step dad. It has been very draining even though I have dealt with him for years, trying to help him is near impossible because he is so stubborn and flips out at the slightest little thing. I care for the guy even though we dont get on usually, I try my best to do everything his way and help him deal with the past and the future clearing up old possessions and selling the estate etc. I am on the verge of giving up now. I can bounce off my anger no problem because for some reason you give someones condition a simple label (like AS) and it makes it easier to let them be complete assholes and just dont take it to heart. Its becoming the most difficult ever now though because he seems to not have what I consider to be respect for my diseased mothers wishes not to be a complete cunt to eachother. That was the line for me. Way too emotionally draining. I kept thinking ill just try and help him because hes elderley and I care for him, but he is sooo stubborn he would rather lose out and refuse help and support with practicle physical tasks etc. Everyone has now told me to just get out of there... so I am. I give up. Im just there to help him and move out some of my posessions but I cant deal with the level of textbook aspergers behaviour. As I said the main thing is how I feel he is being disrespectful to his wife who he apparently loved very much by not trying at all with me and just trying to aggrevate me. Good luck buddy, I really hope somehow your not going to end up a sad sad grumpy lonely old man. Sorry about the bad grammar. I would never write on a page like this usually but I need this rant and totally understand the pain and hurt that some AS folk can cause you. Thanks for listening whoever you are :)

anonymous 5 years ago
My aspie husband only talks about the weather, the cat, the rubbish day, or other mundane subjects. If I bring up topics such as the state of our marriage, how does he feel about such and such he goes silent. If I become emotional after a hard week at work for example he says I' ve been watching too much reality TV!!! Seriously, unless I present a constant happy face he can't relate. However I'm expected to put up with him cursing and swearing if the neighbour parks on our lawn or some other minor misdemeanour. He is extremely territorial about our driveway for eg. A friend blocked it once and he was so vicious to her. A lot of friends and family stay away from visiting me if my husband is at home due to his rudeness. So sad...,

anonymous 5 years ago
Point by point response to the obvious sperglord above:

"To other person, if they have no emotions and can't feel upset, why is the suicide rate 10x higher and depression rate higher?" -- Depression and suicide may not result from emotional excess but from deadness, supressed feeling, apathy.

"Also if they cannot feel, the one's you met, consider childhood abuse or trauma, or consider flat affect which is common in psychiatric illnesses from stress or anxiety depression.

Also a study showed non-depressed autistic people can feel emotional significance of music."
So, you as an aspie think it takes a scientific study to determine whether or not a person has functional feelings? Can you not just, well, feel it? And yes, whatever the cause of the flat affect, it is still distressing and unpleasant for the partner to recieve no response.

"Plus it is hypocritical to complain but not realize what is causing autism, numerous chemicals in food, toxins in air, tylenol in pregnant mothers, mercury from dental old implants, older father age causing mutations in sperm, cigarette smoking. If you want less autistic people, then society should stop all this.

It is not 100% genetic, if you have two identical twins, 77% of the time both will be, but not 100% so there is a lot of enviromental causes like chemicals."
Certainly perhaps so, but the cause of a disorder does not mitigate the affect of that disorder behaviorally, nor does it really excuse it. If the aspie wants to change, get well, and have insight and the NT partner wants to help and be patient, understanding, then this factor you mention may be relevant, but on its own it is meaningless. Frustrated people are going to be naturally frustrated by dysfunction despite your rationalization efforts.

"Also to another guy, hating your autism is necessary to loving yourself, stop with the stupid pride, do people with alcoholism feel proud of being alcoholics? Or try to fight it and control it?" Fair point, harshly stated, but this is a rant board, and I and most others here too want to let off steam without endless qualifiers and absolutes aspies insist upon.

"Also to many of you women, consider the reason you entered a relationship with them. The flatness and lack of emotional stimulation in the beginning may have drawn you to them which points to borderline personality disorder."
Yes, one dysfuntional person tends to be attracted to another, but consider that the borderline woman is portrayed as a bunny boiling murderer in media and is widely hated in psych treatment but the aspie is portrayed as merely hapless, maybe arrogant and annoying and is often defended by researchers. Borderlines tend to know how bad off they are while many aspies do anything they can to not know or deny it to death.

"Of course none of this will be read or replied to or attempted to be disproven. Because scientific research doesn't fit a person's narrative." This is scientific research?

"Also you don't hear as much anger or resentment from spouses of drug addicts, brain damaged people, schizophrenics, or more. I wonder if you give it too much meaning, of course there will be problems when you be with a mentally ill or crazy person like all of the above including autism. There isn't meaning behind it to find. " People are extremely angry because of the one-sidedness in aspie relationships. Many here are venting for two as it were because the aspie partner refuses to engage. Go watch the still face experiment videos of babies freaking out when a parent is unresponsive. Adults continue to feel that kind of panic if they are stonewalled by a loved one, especially repeatedly.

anonymous 5 years ago
Oblivious, can't take criticism at all (just look at the rants from autistics defending themselves on a rant page about aspergers above!--and to answer that pedant's question: plenty of people with schizophrenics complain, but strangely enough most schizophrenics are not constantly symptomatic and merely have episodes and bad times, are often deeply caring, sensitive, artistic people when not very sick, whereas asperger's tends to be constant, inflexible and the much-vaunted talents of its sufferers tend to be unromantic things like computer programming and video games). To all of you who have had the terrible misfortune of falling in love with someone with asperger's, realize that so much of the info out there on the diagnosis is highly politicized, inaccurate, and caters to those with asperger's only. Their disorder may have a lot to do with attachment issues in infancy, so they never really learned how to give and receive love in a reasonably healthy way. They often have large amounts of unconscious anger that they will vent through passive aggression, glib cruelty they will deny, total lack of empathy (which they will deny and will frequently say they have even more of than normal people), etc. Projective identification is the norm for aspies, and to anyone struggling with the heartbreak and cognitive dissonance of being dismissed, ignored, objectified, used, and ever so innocently manipulated by these soulless robots, please read about projective identification and about attachment disorders. And please turn the love you invested in this uncaring aspie back into yourself (in a non-narcissistic way) but to make up for the lack of reciprocity that has hurt you.

anonymous 5 years ago
At first, I used to look at each quirk as individual. It wasn't until recently when his anger has kicked into full swing is when I put the pieces together and realized he's aspergers. I knew something was a little off when I first met my husband. He was 22, me 27. I thought he was just immature or shy, even stoic. Couldn't really tell, I didn't like to judge everything little thing about people. That's how these men can come across. He met me where I used to disc jockey in a club (his friend introduced us, go figure!) but we took the initiative to call me. Funny enough, they tend to be drawn to very outgoing people, because we make up for where they lack. He was drinking and with friends, low inhibitions. The good side, he is a great provider, a workaholic and somewhat predictable. ha! It's routine. I always said that I admire him for his hard work and how proud I am of him with things that he achieves in life. He was taking engineering classes but then dropped out but I told him I'd stand behind him with whatever he chooses. After marriage, the few compliments I used to get have completely stopped and replaced with jabs. Things that make you stop and wonder what just happened. Having no knowledge of the extent of how someone can completely shut down in every emotional aspect, I now look back and see the red flags especially when bunched together, it's the AH HA moment! I think THAT IS THE KEY. Look at it as a whole, not separate. Too many to list but in short these got worse as time went on; finger strumming/tapping, blurting out things, silent for months at a time, easy to anger, inappropriate fondling of my private parts even after being asked to stop, passive aggressive and justified by a marriage counselor, can't hold a normal/regular conversation without repeating constant weird jokes, always says "I'm just joking", no depth to conversations, never apologizes, won't planning of anything, paranoid, very disorganized, never cleans up the house, robotic, selfish and hypersexual same position, monotone, rigid, homebody, super loud talker, used to get in trouble at work for his behavior, annoyed easily, never laughs unless he's saying something mean to me and says it's nervous reaction, forced/fake smile, collector of certain jars of the same pretzels he eats, and the list goes on . These got soooo much worse at he got older but now add screaming, yelling and finger pointing. . so loud. He even kicked an exercise ball it the wall and broke multiple family pictures and candle holders all because I wanted us to visit my dad a few days after Christmas. He never apologized but came home with new picture frames and Keurig coffee pot because he didn't get me anything for Christmas a few days earlier. I thought I was the delirious one thinking is this what marriage really is about? NO! Knowledge is power. Too bad I didn't know or recognize this earlier, I was too easy going. Ironically, I started working in the healthcare field and recognized these habits. He looks normal, good looking guy but people give him a double look when they try to have a conversation and he's staring off at a wall totally ignoring them. My life would have been different although my kids are my gifts but sadly they have to see his childish meltdowns and antics. Like how others described, it was literally a flick of a switch not long after marriage and suddenly you have no idea what's going on. Confusion sets in, guilt thinking it's YOU. No, I'm not in denial. Other family members on both sides noticed, people in groups that we belonged to noticed and would ask me if they upset him about something or if we had marital issues. His sibling volunteered the information of how he's always been like that and to not take it personal. That they never knew if he was happy, mad, sad or glad. Relatives I never met started calling me to ask how he was doing. After realizing our marriage was going down fast and he refused to communicate, I called his mother as a last resort to talk to her in private to see if there was a diagnoses I need to be aware about because I'd hate to divorce him if he's needing help. I know there's something! She refused to talk to me about the situation although we had a good relationship. Told my husband that I contacted her. That set him OFF. His family doesn't communicate well at all. His step mom works in the mental health field and would drop hints to me that NOW I get. Recently, he's getting worse. He can be fine one moment then not let me finish a sentence and start finger pointing and screaming at me shouting "don't tell me what to do". He's not understanding certain unsafe situations and constantly trying to put our sons in those situations like dragging them into a riptide to get the "good shells". I planned a vacation with or without him and he reluctantly went. There were warning signs on the beach and he still proceeded to drag my kids into a rip tide. I followed them in saying no. I grabbed my older son and told him to get back to shore while he held onto my younger son. I told him to give him over and it wasn't until my husband started to struggle is when I could grab my younger son and get him into safety. I can't stand this. I never, ever know what he'll do. This wasn't the first time he's put them into danger. I could never trust the courts if I left him because I would have breakdown knowing I may have to do shared parenting. They're not safe with him and he's not a good influence or role model most of the time. I have to take care of myself and my children now. I cannot save him anymore. I am the barrier between him and our children. Both of my children started to demonstrate some behavioral issues. I have to keep a very close eye. I make sure to talk and laugh with them. I get them into sports and other activities where they can see normal interaction with another adult males. I socialize them as much as possible and teach them appropriate ways of handling things. I hug them daily. Teach them empathy which they do demonstrate. I was blind and now I can see. This should never be swept under the rug. I'm just surprised at how prevalent aspergers is. Everyday I pray to God to give me the strength to be the best influence in my boys life and to give them a "normal" life because I'm getting depressed now. Both of my parents have passed and I have nowhere to go. So I keep the faith, dig my heels in and find strength that I know I have, and keep my children safe until it's time to take the next step. It'a horrible way to live but I am my boys biggest advocate. I try not to let them see me cry. I do it at night when everyone is in bed. I once was an outgoing, fun, vibrant woman and now I'm stuck in a world I don't recognize and I don't want to be dragged into his. I used to cry almost daily thinking he's mad at me about something but now I'm relieved to know it's not me. I now know not to try and have a conversation. Like a box of chocolates, you truly don't know what you're going to get day to day even though they're supposed to be into routine. Their mood is not. If prayers help, I sure could use some to ease my tears as I type this. Thanks in advance.

anonymous 5 years ago
To other person, if they have no emotions and can't feel upset, why is the suicide rate 10x higher and depression rate higher?

Also if they cannot feel, the one's you met, consider childhood abuse or trauma, or consider flat affect which is common in psychiatric illnesses from stress or anxiety depression.

Also a study showed non-depressed autistic people can feel emotional significance of music.

Plus it is hypocritical to complain but not realize what is causing autism, numerous chemicals in food, toxins in air, tylenol in pregnant mothers, mercury from dental old implants, older father age causing mutations in sperm, cigarette smoking. If you want less autistic people, then society should stop all this.

It is not 100% genetic, if you have two identical twins, 77% of the time both will be, but not 100% so there is a lot of enviromental causes like chemicals.

Also to another guy, hating your autism is necessary to loving yourself, stop with the stupid pride, do people with alcoholism feel proud of being alcoholics? Or try to fight it and control it?

Also to many of you women, consider the reason you entered a relationship with them. The flatness and lack of emotional stimulation in the beginning may have drawn you to them which points to borderline personality disorder.

Of course none of this will be read or replied to or attempted to be disproven. Because scientific research doesn't fit a person's narrative.

Also you don't hear as much anger or resentment from spouses of drug addicts, brain damaged people, schizophrenics, or more. I wonder if you give it too much meaning, of course there will be problems when you be with a mentally ill or crazy person like all of the above including autism. There isn't meaning behind it to find.

anonymous 5 years ago
Also, if you have children and one has autism, do any of you including original poster still love them?

You can make a difference make sure they don't end up like their father, early intervention affects the developing brains genes and shape.

It would be scary to think you don't love your child if he or she is autistic, wow, very cruel.

anonymous 5 years ago
I grew up with a Dad an brother on the spectrum. My Dad was the classic savant - he was sufficiently skilled in a number of areas that he did OK. But he had many issues in the work place. Had he not been a patent machine he probably would have been without work at times. My brother is overtly affected and is officially, government listed as disabled. For years, I did not connect the dots. I was like the one normal kid in The Munsters TV show of yore ... or so I thought. Late in life, in my 40s, I realized I was also on the spectrum.

I'm pretty pissed off at my parents for not realizing it and getting me into therapy while still young enough to make a difference. I cut them a bit of slack due to how much more severe my brother is (and therefore occupied much of their time) plus my Dad's own level of impairment did not help. Still, had they done an objective comparison between me and other kids they would have seen my own abnormalities. For me, just knowing about it would have informed vastly different decisions in life ... such as ... not getting married. Well, water under the bridge and hoping to avoid late life divorce and elder poverty.

anonymous 5 years ago
I have autism, but so what. I feel emotions and try my best to make people around me happy. Everyone is different no o e can be the same. The same thing can be said for people with AS. If I mess up or make someone upset I carry it around for a long time. Reading about that I should be marked so others can run away from me is heart breaking.

anonymous 5 years ago
I'm dumping my Aspie I didn't know he was a sperg until he got comfortable with me and took his mask off. He was only pretending to be normal and was very passive and utterly desperate not to do anything to upset me early in the relationship. Then later he didn't bother with faking being a normal person and spergged the fuck out. He is mentally retarded. Aspergers is a severe defect. He refuses to lock doors. His house has been robbed yet he still refuses to lock his fucking door. When he is over my house when I try to lock up. He will unlock the door. When I tell him I lock the door in my house he will argue with me. Listening to him in his nerdy voice arguing over locking the door and spouting off crime statistics and how improbable getting the house broken into is. I'm like just lock the fucking door it only takes a second. He gets a dazed bovine look on his face and looks utterly bewildered. Like someone clobbered him on the head with a 2by4. Why is locking the door so important to you?????? geeeeeezzzzzzeeee...... I lock the door he unlocks it. I lock the door then he unlocks it. This is just one of many of that spergs weirdo quirks I have to put up with. I ACCIDENTALLY dated that sporg, sperg, assburger whatever the fuck those sub humans are called. I wish I never met him, he is a fucking nightmare.
anonymous 5 years ago
My Aspie spouse went through all the appropriate motions, emotions, sweetness, courtship, long walks, hand holding and on and on ad nauseum. Until we married. Then he dropped the charade. Such a self centered, controlling, unfeeling asshole. Yep, I know all Aspies aren't like him (if they are then what the fuck was the so called god thinking?) He was diagnosed at age 58 but he thinks professionals are idiots and just want his money so he refuses any sort of treatment, therapy- won't even discuss it. So, I've had enough. He said "no dog". So I got a dog. He said "no painting the bedroom". I painted the bedroom. Whatever upsets his little tidy cocoon has become my new mission in life. Mature? No it's not. Am I proud of myself? Not especially. But I get immense satisfaction watching him go through frustration because it seems to be my natural state of being. One day soon when things are at last in place he will come home to find me and all of my belongings gone. I just cannot take living in a one sided relationship any longer. The beauty of it is I will finally be free and he won't care that I am gone. The sad part is, puzzling as it is, he has really come to love that dog.
Chris and the others of you who are more highly evolved, I'm happy for you and your mates. Tragically, though, you are the beautiful exception rather than the ugly truth.

anonymous 5 years ago
My Aspie spouse went through all the appropriate motions, emotions, sweetness, courtship, long walks, hand holding and on and on ad nauseum. Until we married. Then he dropped the charade. Such a self centered, controlling, unfeeling asshole. Yep, I know all Aspies aren't like him (if they are then what the fuck was the so called god thinking?) He was diagnosed at age 58 but he thinks professionals are idiots and just want his money so he refuses any sort of treatment, therapy- won't even discuss it. So, I've had enough. He said "no dog". So I got a dog. He said "no painting the bedroom". I painted the bedroom. Whatever upsets his little tidy cocoon has become my new mission in life. Mature? No it's not. Am I proud of myself? Not especially. But I get immense satisfaction watching him go through frustration because it seems to be my natural state of being. One day soon when things are at last in place he will come home to find me and all of my belongings gone. I just cannot take living in a one sided relationship any longer. The beauty of it is I will finally be free and he won't care that I am gone. The sad part is, puzzling as it is, he has really come to love that dog.
Chris and the others of you who are more highly evolved, I'm happy for you and your mates. Tragically, though, you are the beautiful exception rather than the ugly truth.

anonymous 5 years ago
Whew! I am so so so grateful that I found this website and these comments. I dated an undiagnosed Aspie in years ago but at the time I didn't know what his malfunction was. Saw him again 2 weeks ago and time has a way of making you forget the bad thins and only remembering the good things. Well he began his same old ways again and insulted me turning it around and making it my fault. He of course has easily cut ties with me and refuses to contact. He has all the symptoms of it, no friends, anger issues, no emotions, won't let things go, etc. I don't know if he ever got diagnosed but I'm sending him some links to Aspergers info with love in my heart and hoping that he at the very least comes to terms with how he has treated people. He has never been with a woman other than me and he will die alone but because he has AS he's okay with that and it's all because everyone on the planet is evil and out to get him so that makes it okay.

Ironically he's a devout Christian but it's the kind that I've grown up around all my life in the white, racist South kind of Christianity. They are haters in their heart but don't see it. They are ironically in the same theological boat as Muslim extremists. But they don't see that.
To re-cap, I am so grateful that I read this post and I thank you all for the info you have given, it has saved me from delaying my own growth and prosperity.
Namaste everyone
anonymous 5 years ago
The sadest thing is the distance. Seems once I fell in love he pushed away but if you really love an Aspie you put up with the differences. I'm sorry for the hurt on both sides. Hating on an Aspie is wrong. Just get on with yourself as Best you can. I refuse to hate on the Aspie I'm in love with. It bothers me too that he cant give the affection I need. I want to be here for him but he can't be there for me. It's been an experience I'm glad I had because I learned so much. He is so beautiful and has never gone off or abused me. I adore him and the way he is wired. He didn't ask to be born this way. It's hard being in love when it doesn't feel normal. Just move on and stop hating. In truth most are pissed off because they really have no control over the Aspie man. So go on with yourself and have compassion for him and for yourselves

anonymous 5 years ago
People with autism are born that way ( or develop in early childhood) If the whole world had Autism then no problem. The issue seems to arise when people with Aspergers who are not diagnosed can end up being married/ in partnership with a person who has no knowledge of the fundamental differences in the way they see the world . Without 'theory of mind ' the person with Aspergers has limited ability to ever be truly emotionally intimate with someone else.Therein lies the problem. The NT partner is in the ongoing obsessions,sensory issues and irritability can make partnerships impossible to work. Unless the NT is willing to sacrifice their needs over that of the Aspergers partner.

anonymous 5 years ago
To autistic person who says defective: nobody says defective anymore. But you have a disorder, that means you should fight to be more of yourself and not let it take over you like people who are alcoholics or drug addicts. You are a person who has autism, do not become an autistic person. Autism is not a gift, and admitting it will make others more sympathetic if you also hate your own autism too.

anonymous 5 years ago
Someone called us defective in this very comment section. I have been much more at peace with myself since I accepted the fact that I am autistic. And Autism is not comparable to drug addiction or alcoholism. Why the hell would I want to hate myself again? My parents "hate" my autism, I think. But it sure seems a lot like they hate me. It comes with the package. I'll never be NT, and I don't care for the sympathy of those who wish I was. I just hate that they are hurting the autistic people in their lives. Oh, and I can see my autism however I want. Like many other things, it has pros and cons.

anonymous 5 years ago

Maybe they had some emotional connection with schizophrenia b4 the onset, but the predormal of 2-3 years before onset symptoms mirror autism. Since a person develops schizophrenia in their teens and it creeps up into their twenties finally exploding, yeah. Autism is more stable, but during their 20s, some do achieve a partial remission, their brain sorta fixes itself a bit for a temporary time, but as stress builds or bad habits form, their capacities degenerate, but more slowly than schizophrenia or bipolar where its so quick they won't stick around for long. Even if there was a connection in the past with schizophrenia (or even in some rare cases of autism with a temporary window of better health. Some actually improve greatly after a fever for a year then it sets back in), you have to ask if you are judging by intentions or behaviour here. If you are judging by behaviour, then it doesn't make an honest difference whether you used to have a connection then it was lost. Isn't the effect still the same? The spouse of a schizophrenic still has to deal with the outcome. Hell, I theorize more crimes are commited by autistic people on their spouses than schizophrenics or bipolar in total, but since ASD outnumbers those disorders (about 0.5% is schizophrenia while ASD may by 2.2% 4.4x more) on average a schizophrenic person may be more likely to commit violence on their spouse going by person. (Autism violence is 4-5 percent, schizophrenia is 8-10% but 4.4x 4.5 is almost 20% in the population). And bipolar syndrome, the fact it creeps up also may have a bigger impact when it explodes than being spread out. I guess this is one difference, with a disorder like bipolar or schizophrenia the trauma happens all at once in a shorter time, more intense, then they are taken away and out of your life. With autism its spread out and they aren't taken away (since there is so little resources now, thank you government!). But what does it matter? A person may develop autism when they are 3, do those three years before make a difference? So why should 15-20 years with schizophrenia before? It's complicated but I want people to have a rational outlook. I also think a hard part is autistic people admit the problems less than an alcoholic or schizophrenic because of the autism pride groups.
anonymous 5 years ago
I was a little wrong, it seems some spouses feel angry too. But they do not rant so much, I think its because there is more help for them. If there was help and assistance with an autistic, or if they even got taken away if they got too serious to handle, maybe it would be easier and there would be less anger. But the bias of seeing someone change than thinking, oh, it was always who there were, is meaningless because it portrays your anger as conditional and not real from what you put up with. It implies you could be less angry just because of some belief, that it's not just what is happening but also in your mind. So it really shouldn't make a difference if you want to be recognized.
anonymous 5 years ago
Abuse is inexcusable. Leave and get help if a person abuses you.They shouldn't do that. Doesn't excuse you to hate all aspies/auties. Many of us are abused by NTs. I personally would rather date another autistic person. NTs are difficult to understand and want us to do things they consider common sense without even explaining! We do feel emotion, we may not express it like you do, but it's still valid. You cannot read my emotions either. Everyone thinks I'm cold, aloof and scary unless they take the time to know me. Stop referring to us as defective!

anonymous 5 years ago
Would say that at some point in the relationship they had an emotional connection with their spouse. No such connection is ever possible with an Asperger partner. You can program/educate an Asperger person as much as you want but you will NEVER get emotions or reciprocity to get that connection. Just like Siri on an Apple device.

anonymous 5 years ago
But I restate my question. Why the hell does nobody see the irony in the spouses of schizophrenics, no matter the fact they change diapers and spoon feed their spouse. And their spouse lacks empathy too, sometimes even can't work, just sits in the middle of the room screaming at the walls or acting like a zombie. Are so forgiving and don't hate them? Why the double standard?

anonymous 5 years ago
They are very upset, but they aren't angry. Even thought heir lives are just as much hell as yours. I do not deny autism is as bad as schizophrenia, and of course it is hell. But why are you all more angry?

anonymous 5 years ago
The reason you (guy who says he can love) may be able to is because you received better early intervention. Early intervention prevents the stress and chemicals from affecting the autistic brain which is very fragile in youth. The spouses here are dealing with the result of no intervention, medication, and therapy in their spouses who as children were often bullied or abused for their differences which caused certain parts of development to be arrested further. They are dealing with not just autism but new comorbidities.

anonymous 5 years ago
Does anyone here see the irony in schizophrenia having almost the exact same social symptoms (lack of theory of mind, lack of empathy, poor social cognitive function, executive dysfunction, weak central coherance) as ASD yet nobody ever rants about them? Added to that is flat effect and deluded behavior, paranoia too. Scientists are confirming genetically and enviromentally they are two disorders that are different sides of one coin. And some of their husbands and wives change their damn diapers or spoonfeed them even but they don't feel as much anger. Are people in relationships with schizophrenics stupid for not being as angry?

anonymous 5 years ago
We read books and see specialized psychologists to learn and change our ways of communicating with them. We do everything to understand because we love them. They say they work at it too. Bullshit!!! All that comes out of them is a narcissist/selfish behaviour. They cannot love.

anonymous 5 years ago
I've been with this man for almost 4 years. When we first started dating, he was so nice, attentive, and fun to be around. We cuddled, held hands in public, and he said he loved me. About 1 year in, I found out he was cheating on me the whole time. He also told me he had AS but I was massively? naive and didn't understand what it meant. He said we'd work through our problems so I gave him another chance and we ended up getting married a year later. We're coming up on our two year anniversary and I could not be more miserable. It's as if a switch was flipped. He's mean, aggressive, gives zero affectionate, and constantly puts me down. I've tried being direct with what I want, I've tried being understanding of his condition, I've read books and journal articles on AS, but I can't get through. He completely stopped trying and seems to only care about himself. I moved to a different country for his job, I do everything for him, and all I get is negativity, neglect, and emotional abuse. I feel hopeless and sad. I'd like to believe they're not all like this, but I've had such a hard time. I can't express the comfort that comes from knowing I'm not the only one to feel this way. I know I'm smart and deserve better, but he's shattered my confidence and self esteem. I want to leave but I love him and I keep hoping things will change for the better... Except things never change.

anonymous 5 years ago
Aspie here. The way that many of your are saying is that I can give up finding any sort of relationship, because I have no emotion or empathy. That's not true. I'm still human like you. It hurts to know what the world thinks of me and others like me. Trash. Thank you to all of the people who do care about us, and we do try our best to understand, and make you happy.

anonymous 5 years ago
Don’t waist you time girl. The guy doesn’t react or take action in a simple house problem, imagine how he would react in a real emotional life situation. He just wouldn’t do anything. Toilets and other stuff are easy to fix, but emotional hurt is when you really need your life partner to be there for you. With an Asperger boyfriend you will always be ALONE. Your life is important, lots of people that care out there, freedom is yours and so is happiness ;)

anonymous 5 years ago
My aspie clogged the toilet and flooded the bathroom water kept rushing out of the toilet. The water was coming out under the bathroom door. I was like what the fuck? He just stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. I went in the bathroom and turned the water valve off.

Whenever he is started by anything unexpected he just freezes and stares. He is a weirdo and I am reconsidering this relationship. If I wasn't home to turn off the water there could have been thousands of dollars in damages.

He is defective yet at times he is horribly narcissistic and tries to steamroll over my good judgements and intuition. His decisions are always wrong and always have poor outcomes. I'm sick of putting up with this defective narcissist and his insufferable weirdness.

anonymous 5 years ago
How exactly is an autistic person somehow like a narcissist, but a schizophrenic isn't despite the fact the two disorders share genetic basis and tons of symptoms? Despite all the examples I have mentioned of overlapping symptoms?

And yes, some are too disabled to be in relationships, they HAVE to be under care for the rest of their life. Also gene sequencing of relatives has shown that many autistic people are de novo cases meaning that the mutation is spontaneous showing that not all autism is possibly inheritable, so the genes for autism are under heavy selective pressure otherwise the rates wouldn't remain stable as they are, which means not all can possibly be having children.

Also the DSM manual doesn't say anything about "not feeling anything", some display "flat effect" or alexithymia which is difficulty identifying emotion. I imagine they can get pretty upset.

Also manipulation requires good social skills, quite different than the ineptness that characterizes autism disorder. Only the higher end would be functioning enough to pass for some time at all. That means there is a lowering functioning end that is too socially and mentally disabled to even enter a relationship.

So why is a schizophrenic spouse who lacks empathy, is severely disabled and has to be taken care of, is nearly expressionless (flat effect is the term), and is unable to reciprocate somehow different? Why is there less resentment by their husbands and wives on those forums even if the behaviour is nearly identical and in some cases worse (such as having to have their diapers changed)?

anonymous 5 years ago
They should be honest and just admit they have this thing but shame keeps them locked in silence. I know what to look for now. I will never get involved with anyone afflicted with aspergers again. It's not worth a one sided relationship. Sneaky jokers

anonymous 5 years ago
I wonder why nobody has written any sort of rant or anything of the sort for a schizophrenic spouse. Most forums about having one they often feel sorry for their spouse even if they have to deal with them flying into psychotic episodes, staring at the wall, never empathizing or showing any love, screaming randomly, refusing to take medicine, and in some cases they have to be showering and changing them. Schizophrenia and ASD have lots of overlap like lack of empathy, theory of mind, poor working memory, poor emotional control, derealization, difficulty with planning and more.
There is not a tone of anger or rage in their posts despite going through hell like many of you have. Not that you have no right to be angry, but I wonder why is there a difference.

Remember 80% of autistic people do not have children, many are too disabled to have a relationship, they need to be in a group home. If one of them sees this they may get upset and mistakenly think this is about them when it is not.

anonymous 5 years ago
I am now fully informed. Thank you all for sharing. I never knew about this disorder and I'm 50yrs old. Started having sex with a married aspie. What a roller coaster. He has placed cameras in my home, hijacked my alarm system, listening devises and has managed to hijack appliances. I knew I wasn't losing my mind
He wore a mask which has taken 2.5 yrs to finally see how manipulative he is. Wow I feel for his wife. I never wanted him to leave his family. Still he is Extremely charming but they lie and Vry deceptive. I accept him for who he is but I'm open to a new relationship and will soon move. Thanks for all the heartfelt stories. I don't feel alone but I must say I have big love for him even tho he isn't about me. I've been nothing but his obsessive thoughts interest 92285

anonymous 5 years ago
After 30 years with my undiagnosed Aspie husband I had the opportunity to be free.... He left me after an argument about him not wanting to work.. He disappeared without letting his son or myself know where he was. After 3 days I went to the police and filed a missing persons report. I was so anxious about him, wondering if he'd had an accident or killed himself.I can forgive him for leaving, but not to even tell his teenage son he was safe is unforgivable. I eventually tracked him down at a mates place in another town. He then phoned out of the blue and said... 'I'm coming home'. I took him back because my son and I missed him. He made promises to change,find a job, contribute to the family etc etc.Unfortunately he didn't follow through. Now I'm back where we started...I guess I'm a fool to think he had the ability to change...

anonymous 5 years ago
A lot of the comments above are rather critical but when I read the "rant", it was a "wow" moment for me. So many of the words used were words I've said frequently and recently. Those words I've said are: "warning label", "ruined my life", "devastated", "lack of understanding", "miserable", "incapable", "his needs", "doesn't care of notice", "sarcastic", "disrespectful", "lying", "go back in time". I stayed because we had 3 sons very quickly after getting married. One of whom is special needs with a variety of problems including autism. Also, I didn't want him to have even part-time custody of them because of his lack of empathy and his temper. So I stayed in order to protect the boys from being alone to deal with his behavior. The boys are grown now and doing well. My special needs son is still with me. Living with this Aspie has caused extreme stress and I know it's time for me to leave him if for no other reason than my health. Talking to him is almost always hurtful in one way or another. I'm just struggling with knowing I'll be alone but I guess that's better than being hurt and in emotional pain all the time. Thank you for listening.

anonymous 5 years ago
These AS individuals are so self-centred it's unbelievable! They cannot understand others have needs too, their brain is wired differently, no hope there. Stay away from them, the damage they do is too horrible :(

anonymous 5 years ago
We fall in love with them because they put a mask on. But they cannot keep it forever. Took me over a year to realize. RUN RUN RUN is the only way out!

anonymous 5 years ago
But WHY did you love him in the first place? (Making a lot of assumptions but...) I'm one of those emotional zombies but seriously, why did you love him? Why? I don't understand...

anonymous 5 years ago
Aspergers and neurotypicals could be bad or good. AS condition has nothing to do with the person true qualities.
AS people do have feelings! they simply fail to express them correctly!

anonymous 5 years ago
This is my ex boyfriend exactly. For the past 4 plus years I feel like I've lost myself as a person. He hates everything. He lived in a bungalow at his parents and refused to move out. He did hold a full time job but only because it entailed one of his special interests. When he wasn't at work all he did was smoke weed in his room and do his special interests. Computers. Video games. Star trek. Guitar. Anything outside of those categories he hated. I used to visit him and all we'd do was watch movies which was another special interest but one I could actually enjoy. He never wanted to do anything with me or go anywhere because that would take him away from his routines and interests. He literally ate about 5 different foods, bacon, eggs, sausage rolls etc all super bland. Hadn't even tried vegetables since he was a kid and refused to try anything new. So we never went out to dinner. The rare occasions I could get him out I know he was only going because he knew it made me happy. I remember once I took him to a festival which was in a nearby town (bad idea because he's anxious as fuck and hates noise etc) he asked me how long we were going to be there for. I said about an hour. Saw him looking at his watch later, he actually set his watch timer for an hour so he knew how long he had to put up with the whole thing for! He was incapable of being able to enjoy anything besides his special interests. He had no empathy and could never see things from my point of view and he was never wrong. I still care about him as a person though but had to end it as I felt like I was going insane towards the end . That's only part of the craziness that happened but I truly don't think he's capable of being able to form a proper relationship.

anonymous 5 years ago
My ex Aspie almost got me and others killed. We went on vacation overseas. The old bus we were traveling in had a fire in it's engine or somewhere else and the bus started to fill up with choking acrid black smoke.

Everyone but him on the bus saw the danger and started to evacuate. He just sat there like a dazed idiot next to me. I screamed at him let's go the bus is on fire! Move it! He just didn't see what the problem was. I had to climb over him in the seat to escape and he tried to grab onto me to stop me from going and I panicked and slapped him across the face and screamed at him not to touch me. He was like why are you and everyone else leaving???

As I was leaving I looked back and saw him standing in the aisle of the bus like a moron and he again asked why is everyone leaving? People could not pass him in the aisle of the bus because he was just standing there dazed and confused blocking the people in back of him. (He's a large man.)

A man in back of him screamed at him move it ya fatass! A women screamed pleasse move!!! An elderly woman screamed your going to kill us all! A teenage girl was shrieking and in tears. It was a nightmare.

The man trapped in back of him punched my ex aspie in the face. He still didn't move. He punched him again. The elderly women screamed I wish I had a cattle prod. Move you fat cow! You're gonna get us all killed! Luckily two construction workers saw what was happening and rushed into the bus and had to pick up and physically remove my abled bodied ex aspie.

The whole incident lasted just over 3 minutes...The people trapped in back of him all had black soot on their faces and were gasping for air and sick with smoke inhalation. A fire truck then came to put out the fire. My ex aspie was sitting on the ground bewildered and confused with a black eye from being punched and still wondering why everyone was in such a hurry to get off the bus.

We went back to the hotel and I broke up with him and went home early without him. I didn't realize the extent of the social defects that Aspergers caused. I would never marry or have children with an Aspie because the disease is hereditary and I also don't feel confident that they are competent to to supervise children. Especially in emergencys. They are too self absorbed in their own world to perceive dangers to themselves and others.

anonymous 5 years ago
To Chris and the other people with Aspergers who have posted their side: I see you, and admire what you're trying to do.

I have been married to an AS man for about ten years now, and can say with confidence that I am every bit as puzzling and exasperating to him as he is to me. It's just people who work differently.

But you people who don't think they are worth interacting with, I wish you could see my wonderful guy! He doesn't always get it automatically (though once I said, 'when you can't think of what to say or do, a hug will always be a good choice' he started doing it, and I know he cares even when he doesn't have the words I'm looking for. He wants to make me happy, he really does.

The most romantic thing I ever saw was him doing the medical exam for life insurance. He's terrified of needles especially, medical procedures in general, and needed me to hold his hand to comfort him during the blood draw--but he was willing to go through all that for me, to make sure I was taken care of if something happened to him. Because he truly does care, even if he doesn't say 'I love you' all the time. It took my breath away.

When he spends time working on the car even when it's winter and the garage is freezing, even when I wish he would spend time with me instead, he is telling me that he loves me. When I'm sitting at home waiting and he's working late, he's making sure his job is done right so he will be able to provide security for us both. Because he loves me.

The words don't come as often as I like, and I need to tell him specifically things such as 'our anniversary is coming up; I would like a rose for every year we're celebrating' because he doesn't magically know. BUT I am content because virtually everything he does is actually him showing his love.

I'm sorry to say that it took me realizing this before I even asked myself whether I was loving him back in a way that he could feel. The typical romantic words are there, but it's a redundancy to him, and not worth much. Loving him is saying that I see how hard he works and appreciate what he does for me. It's making dinner and dishing it up for him so he feels 'taken care of' and that his well-being matters to me. It's giving him permission to take some time to himself when my family is over and the noise gets overwhelming. It's making the phone calls that would make him anxious.

I feel like I'm a better person for being with him--I ask for clarification before assuming that a comment or action was meant to insult, and that carries over to interactions with other people. I speak more precisely. I am getting better at putting myself in other people's shoes even though I thought I started out sensitive.

I enjoy being with him, and couldn't imagine anyone else who could make me happier. It's endlessly fascinating to live with this beautiful puzzle, figuring out how he works and how we fit together.

Yeah, I know just one. But that one is the best person I know, and he makes me want to meet more AS people, not less.

Don't run away at the first mention of the word; there's more there than a diagnosis. Get to know the person, understand as much as you can, learn more about yourself in the process. I can't think of a greater gift.

anonymous 5 years ago
I am with an aspie and he has declared his hand regarding his emotional disconnect etc... But he tries and in spite of all the frustrations, we love each other. I think it's about ensuring NTs find support in other ways. I love him to bits and he loves me... He can't do some things and I don't judge.. But he is respectful , always...

anonymous 5 years ago
The blame from an Aspie is unending and completely unfounded. Like an addict, EVERYthing is your fault. If they drop a bottle of wine out of the car like my husband did, it's YOUR fault for having the car. I like reading this blog, it makes me feel not alone. I am very soon to divorce this asshole after 26 years of marriage. I am trying very hard to not blame him for his 'brain differences", but his vicious and vindictive behavior is beyond the pale. One early writer wrote of how the fixate onto certain Normies for their own purposes and use them up, I need to find that missive again as now I know it is true.

anonymous 5 years ago
Those folk above ranting about t how awful autistics are then invoking god or Jesus would do well to remember the christian values of forgiveness. It goes to show that piety is no substitute for being a decent understanding human.

anonymous 5 years ago
I am sickened by this post... and what even more sickening is reading these comments ignorant people post.

"They should come with a warning and anyone displaying these behaviours should be tested in school so that us normal people dont get trapped in something that ruins our lives."

You clearly show ignorance. People with Aspergers ARE human, and I don't really know what you mean by 'normal'. If you could define what you mean by what you think is 'normal' I would appreciate that as I do not see how you can label people due to a condition they can't help.

Maybe your husband was not the best partner for you, but you are using his condition against him when he cannot help it and writing off EVERYONE with Aspergers as 'emotionless zombies', 'irresponsible', 'lying piece of human space' and I could go on. Just because one person has the condition, doesn't mean they will be the same as another person on the spectrum. Like with any disorder, no two are the same.

anonymous 5 years ago
I can relate. When I told my aspie boyfriend I had strep throat instead of sympathy I got a lecture about the prevalence of it.....I call him Mr Facts and Figures. It's fine if the topic is of interest to you but anything else is plain boring.He has no idea when to stop. Can't read signs of disinterest. Amazingly he is great in one department.., like a machine. Guess that's why he's still in my life.

anonymous 5 years ago
I feel your pain. He's obsessed with mathematics and physics. I could be half-dead and it would never cross his mind to see how I was doing. I've had it after 13 years.

anonymous 5 years ago
He won't care that you are gone, you are so right! We dedicate our life to them, doesn't matter, they just don't care or appreciate. Yes it's an ugly ugly truth. I got out of this. Wasn't easy but worth it believe me :)) So sad for his kids who are suffering as well but I had to take care of myself and my own kids. Leaving is the only way out. Go girl!

I was with an aspie.... never ever ever again. My first sexual experience with him was rape as the idiot thought abusive porn was real sex. Took a year and therapy to come to terms with that. And im only mentioning one of a thousand issues. Most of the time he had no idea what he had done wrong... sometimes he could be a vindictive 3 year old... but ffs... who can rape someone and not know it? An aspie. I will never ever be with one again. He caused me so much hurt that i was suicidal... and before we met... i was extremely well adjusted.. well educated... good family... great past relationships. 6 months post break up im a new woman. Never ever again.oh.. and for the people who generalise and say aslies dont lie... yeah right. My ex constantly lied... everything was about him.... even after he raped me was about him... fuck him... may he live his isolated pathetic life and die alone and save other people fucking pain. Leaving him was the best decision of my life.

anonymous 5 years ago
I'm allowed to rant about being with someone who is AS: I'm a self absorbed stuck up bitch who should cit my throat living with AS is easy compared to being with someone with it - I was just with the retard for the money he got from his family but now I've spent it all fuck him I'm gonna have another affair with my own brother

anonymous 5 years ago
"There should be another syndrome defined as "asperger victim's survivor syndrome."

AMEN to that!
anonymous 5 years ago
I was with an Aspie man for over 20 years!!! All of them are different as we all are of course. I lived abroad and had to return the the U.S. because I thought I was losing my mind in that marriage. Glad I left. He is not a bad guy but it is what it is....

anonymous 5 years ago
I had no idea what I was getting into when I married. I think he is not only an Aspie but also ADHD. He has been called a "god" at work and he throws that up to me when I try to discuss our relationship. He would have been much better off marrying someone like his mother who is a simpleton and cannot see why I don't cower to him. Yes, he blames me when I try to talk about our situation or about getting help. I am not perfect but I don't have trouble seeing other people's pain and suffering. He has good qualities and I have to remind myself of those constantly. However, I have given up on having a marriage relationship. We are simply two people living in the same house. As long as he can do his routine, he is fine. However, life is not only about routine. I could write pages of horrors that have occurred in our years together - some near death experiences due to his inability to see the danger he created by not considering other people. I am angry at myself for not knowing what I was dealing with and raising our two children with such an uncaring father. I have been to counseling several times and each time was told my husband should come. He did go one time but when the counselor started explaining that he was not seeing things clearly, he refused to return and blamed it on me. He is highly intelligent and, yes, a manipulator and a liar. That makes me believe that he knows what he is doing and that he understands but is to self absorbed to give a s**t. I think he would rather continue his delusion than look at the truth. I truly believe he will face his maker one day and blame me for everything he has done in his life. Just writing this makes me feel better.

anonymous 5 years ago
It is the fault of society and religion, because they expect everyone to get married and assume that everyone is emotionally mature enough for a romantic relationship. Marriage is also hell for Aspergians. If the woman writing this blog can't cope with her Aspergian husband then there is an answer... it's called divorce.

anonymous 5 years ago
Another thing, unless you are an aspie or have been with an aspie, or have an aspie/autistic child, I find it very condescending to writing comments on this site.

anonymous 5 years ago
Amen, I was with an aspie for 20 months at age 56, believe it or not, an old friend of 30 years, who I ran into at a Christmas party. We were both over the moon until his initial exhuberance digressed into apathy, sarcasm and outright verbal abuse. I attempted to end it several times and finally did so a month ago. The worst part is I love him and still feel for him, but not at my own expense. He now tells our friends he broke it off, whatever. I was with a manchild and I own my responsibility for being his psuedo mother. There should be another syndrome defined as "asperger victim's survivor syndrome." It was hell.

anonymous 5 years ago
I have suffered with a husband with Asperger’s for years and have just begun to realize the condition. I spent years trying to help, change him….being his mother (not willingly) like it has been mentioned numerous times here. This man-child does not engage, show emotion or connect with his children or me. I feel very guilty having subjected my children to this man-child while they grew up. I didn’t know. I almost committed suicide I became so depressed. I am leaving him.

anonymous 5 years ago
Why have I not seen any posts letting people know that verbal or physical abuse and threats are NOT acceptable from anyone, regardless of if they are Autistic or neuro-typical. If you want to try to save the relationship then counseling is mandatory if there is any kind of abuse. If one person refuses to go to counseling then it's probably time to get out of the relationship. There are ways to leave if you fear for you and your loved ones life. An abuse hotline or organization can get you out in safety. Just remember if you want to stay because you have children them being in a family with abuse is damaging to them and staying will not help your children.That said I do agree with others that aspies do have feelings and do care. I'm with an Autistic man and it's not easy but he loves me and has never laid a hand on me or threatened my life. There are many disorders that look similar to autism that are not. Also every aspie is different. An asshole is an asshole regardless of a condition or not. Some aspies are assholes and shouldn't be in a relationship. Others are good people who struggle, but make an effort every day to make their loved ones happy. Every person has to decide what kind of relationship will work for them. Not everyone can make a relationship with an aspie work. That's ok. Just know all relationships have difficulties. Mine is far from perfect. I'm not sure where I stand with mine, but I know dysfunctional relationships need outside help or an ending.

anonymous 5 years ago
Yes,certainly challenging folk to live with. Unable to put themselves in anyone else's shoes but their own. Trying to explain my point of you over and over but never really "getting it". My husband threatened to leave me if I dare take another holiday without him. Once a year for my sanitity I have a 2 wk break away on my own. I need it for my sanity in living with an unresonable somewhat lazy man. Unless it's going his hobbies which are obsessions. Housework and paid employment are way down on his priority list! So tiring no emotional exchanges are reciprocated. I'm outta here next year when my son leaves school. !!

anonymous 5 years ago
Listen-my experience with an aspie was devastating- geez who would have that something which started out with so much promise could literally turn into a living hell-please do not ask me to be more forgiving-I was all that and then a thousand times more-I know that it's a behavior which cannot really evolve-but he always kept telling me that this was just a phase and that he would get better- bullshit- he waited until I was committed to him before he really let loose with his bizarre and abusive behavior-I truly believe he knew what was transpiring and enjoyed the misery he imposed on me-still seething, resentful-yet grateful I had the gumption to end the craziness

anonymous 5 years ago
I'm dating an aspie man whom I've worshipped in every way. I'm now exhausted both emotionally and mentally. The constant giving to him with minimal reciprocity has made me realise that he is incapable of being in an equal and mutually pleasureable relationship. He does acknowledge that I treat him like a king, without in turn being able to treat me like a queen. Unless one is truly at peace being someone's slave and being submissive then this aspire/ NT relationship will never work. If I ever tell him how I'd like him to treat me he calls me bossy.!!

anonymous 5 years ago
What I see is a bunch of bitter women that are jumping on the anti AS band wagon. They never factor in their own role, we are supposed to believe that they are all these perfect angels that ended up with the devil. These same women would find a reason to be upset with their man whether he had AS or not, but instead it would be he watches too many sports, he wants to hang out with his boys, he checks out other women etc. etc. Considering that the AS population is somewhere around 1% and the divorce rate is around 60% it would appear that the nuerotypical population has just as many if not more issues than the AS population. These women have "spoiled princess syndrome", my man doesn't treat me like the spoiled princesses that I see in movies, he must not love me, I bet its because he has Asperger's, yeah thats it. Take responsibility for your own parts and quit using AS as a scapegoat.

anonymous 5 years ago
For as the Apostle with good reason admonishes us: "Those that seem the more feeble members of the Body are more necessary; and those that we think the less honorable members of the Body, we surround with more abundant honour."[181] Conscious of the obligations of Our high office We deem it necessary to reiterate this grave statement today, when to Our profound grief We see at times the deformed, the insane, and those suffering from hereditary disease deprived of their lives, as though they were a useless burden to Society; and this procedure is hailed by some as a manifestation of human progress, and as something that is entirely in accordance with the common good. Yet who that is possessed of sound judgment does not recognize that this not only violates the natural and the divine law [182] written in the heart of every man, but that it outrages the noblest instincts of humanity? The blood of these unfortunate victims who are all the dearer to our Redeemer because they are deserving of greater pity, "cries to God from the earth."[183]

Pope Pius XII

Though your spouses are terrible people, leave it at that. Many people with Autism are still children or too disabled to have relationships. for every 1 high functioinging you have about 3 who are mentally disabled.

I do not object to your suffering, or your pain inflicted by your partners, but I object to bigotry against an entire group because of that. People on the spectrum deserve help and love, it in accordance with God's will we help those who are suffering from illness.

They may lack empathy, but that says nothing of sympathy, and education and intervention are critical. Do you who call them monsters feel no shame? Black people commit a disporportionate amount of violence and rape comapred to white people in the USA, but does that mean we should stigmatize and direct hatred against all of them? They too also need support likewise.

Many who are not in relationships who come across these posts will feel distressed, imagine struggling with a condition only to find out there are people who think your are monsters. As for your spouses, they can rot in hell to be honest. I don't care about them, I care about the children and struggling autistics from disability.

You say they have no feelings, this is dehumanizing, this is bigoted. Some may not, but this is from flat effect. The emotional circuits exist, but can be destroyed from drug use or alcohol which happens. Correlation does not equal causation.

And do not believe what the few say: many with Autism want to be normal, they hate their condition, they yearn for normalcy. Your spouses: their hearts have been hardened, and they are gone. But the newer generation can be made better. You should not forgive them.
But I am absolutely disgusted that if some of you should have children with Autism, you do not love them nor make an effort to help them not repeat past mistakes, nor guide them to functional recovery (not the same as being cured).

I have sympathy for your suffering, but I do not sympathize with your opinions about autistic people who are not in relationships.

And do not think you can solve this by killing them. Nazi Germany killed 90% of schizophrenics, but the rates are the same today. It is very genetic, but not 100%, one identical twin can be autistic 75% of the time the other not. Sounds unbelievable? Well remember 1 twin can be gay and the other straight. It is complex, and i see no motivation or effort to prevent it.

As to the poster(s) who claims they have no feelings and compares them to monsters, or doesn't love their child if they have Autism. Who? Your spouse? Yes, they are bad people. All with the condition in the world? How dare you. Any good Christian priest would be aghast you have no love for your child, and no professional would support your view of wanting to shun or hurt them.

You have every right to hate your spouse, but to look at an autistic child, and feel such intense bigotry and hate. It is sickening.

And if you do say they have no feelings, remember this, suicide is 20x higher in Autistic people, a woman with autism is 5x more likely to be raped, people with autism are likely to be victims of violence, sexual and physical abuse by family members. If hearing this gives you pleasure, I can only imagine how black your heart is/are.

I will finish with a prayer:
Almighty Holy Spirit, I ask you that we may find peace, healing, and clarity. That harm will come to no one anymore, that these women will escape their suffering from their spouses. That they heal and find joy after enduring such pain and trial.

Almighty Holy Spirit, I ask you help the disabled, those with illness, and those blinded by feebility. So they can gain insight and light that they may not become the people who cause harm to others, and no harm may come to them.


anonymous 5 years ago
To the guy who said : plenty of people with schizophrenics complain, but strangely enough most schizophrenics are not constantly symptomatic and merely have episodes and bad times, are often deeply caring, sensitive, artistic people when not very sick,"

Schizophrenia is not just hallucinations, and for being supposedly so artistic, about 70-80% are unemployed. Like people on the other spectrum, and no, they are not skilled either with computers or video games, that is a stupid stereotype. Schizophrenia has negative symptoms. Meds are not a cure, also remember it happens in adolescence meaning some personality problems have not been shaped that may be by autism sttriking so early at 2-3. These personality problems can be avoided by intervention. Not all of it is symptoms, some of it is a shitty personality growing up because of having the disorder and going untreated. I've seen severely autistic people who are the sweetest kindest loving people, and people on the higher end who are absolute zombie robots. It's not the autism, its personality development. Severely autistic people receive help earlier and much better.

Also I admit I was harsh, but do you have to be so bigoted? The reason why this place has been attacked is not they claim autistic spouses are terrible (and I fully agree), but that autistic people are monsters.
Do you realize how upsetting it is to feel pain, sadness, and insecurity but to come across this page and see people on the spectrum described so terribly?

The spouses can rot in hell, fuck them, I agree, you deserve all the compassion for the suffering you went through. But the attackers here are upset and reacting because of the stuff said not about the spouses. Or at least I am (they may be because they are angry about autism being attacked, not people with autism).

anonymous 5 years ago
So you hate every single person with an Autism disorder? There is no such thing as a good one? Even the children don't deserve to be loved by their parents?

No emotion eh? So...go up to the parent of an ASD kid and tell them ÿour child doesn't love you" "don't hug it, it's only doing that to manipulate you"

Your dehumanization is sickening, absolutely sickening, if you think you are so right in how people with Autism are all soulless beasts, go out and tell the world this "truth" of yours."

Jesus Christ, you are terrible people

anonymous 5 years ago
So are you saying it's a good thing the suicide rate is high and they get raped and violently abused? Does it give you satisfaction?

anonymous 5 years ago
Oh I get it, the high suicide rates cause no need for compassion for you since you believe it's because they are just lazy and feel like giving up on life. That it's impossible for despair or an upset feelings to happen.

You believe they deserve zero compassion or help from society, you have already made up your minds they are soulless robots and shouldn't be loved by their parents.

Every single one, even the little children are monsters in your eyes, even borderlines are better people somehow. Every single tear shed, feeling felt, and more is all manipulation. There is no such thing as a person who wishes they were normal, because autism is who the person is, they are a walking talking autism. And all the professionals who try to help them, try to provide guidance, who try to make things better, the parents who love their child no matter their condition, are all a bunch of idiots. The right thing to do is to leave them to rot and die.

And this is absolutely not cruel in the slightest because htey have no capacity for unhappiness or feelings, they are emotionless robots. If you all had your way, they would be treated like outcasts and psychopaths, never allowed or given help to participate in society.

And this hurts none of your feelings, you still think you are good people who are so empathetic and compassionate. After all, how can you be bigoted if they are all not fully human, just things, little shits, monsters. It should be legal to rape them since they can't feel anything, they should be passed around like sex toys, because unlike a "human" they don't feel pain or trauma.

The depression, anxiety, it's all just laziness and pretend. Their crying is just manipulative whining. We should encourage their suicides, allow them to be bullied, and more. They don't suffer, every single moment of their life is pure glee or laziness.

I agree now fully. The professional community should put them down, their parents should be educated to stop loving them. They should be denied human rights. It's the bleeding heart liberals and government who are too stupid to realize this. They have wasted years on therapy when the best thing to do is hack them to bits, ignore their screams of pain,it's just manipulation, they can't feel any emotions!

Lock them up in sheds, use them in human experiments, you can't be cruel to animals, they are even less than animals. They are incapable of loving their parents too. Be sure to beat them to let your anger out if you ever see one, it should be legal to do that.

Of course maybe we shouldn't but thats because you have "standards", you wouldn't do the same thing to ants either, not because people on the spectrum, you know, suffer. They never suffer at all. They have no personalities, just walking empty shells.

The doctors who help them, they are all stupid for being so commited. No doctors at all. Just a shotgun or a stone to bash their heads in.

anonymous 5 years ago
Of course you get tons of aspies coming here to defend themselves. You call them inhumane soulless monsters, belittle them, and dehumanize them.

Just like the Nazis did to the Jews. Did Jews do the stuff they were accused of? Yes. But does that excuse devoting so much energy to loathing them?

The disabled need support and compassion.
Not cruelty, what did you expect?
You create this narrative they have ulterior motives besides what I said above? If I wrote a post on how much I hate Gypsies and how terrible they are, I could expect them to flood in and defend themselves.

This ableism I see here is absolutely sickening. And especially the ones of you who don't love thier children if they have ASD. Such cruelty....absolutely sickening. Why else do you think nobody gives you any sympathy?
Maybe it's because you aren't good people.
anonymous 5 years ago
Whenever I see a person with an aspie child, I shake my head, they should stop loving them. Hitler was right, exterminate them.

anonymous 5 years ago
Boohoo, you ignorant hateful cunts that complain about how you were wronged by someone with AS and that that they are somehow sub-human need to look at yourselves. You're the kind of miserable women that aren't happy unless your man is coddling you and paying all of his attention to you. It doesn't matter if he is highly successful a bum or anywhere in between, you all have the same basic complaint, my needs aren't being met he has no empathy, he needs time to himself etc. etc. He is an awful man. It sounds like the rantings of a spoiled princess. Most of these men don't even realize that they have AS and go through life feeling weird and different and not knowing why everyone around them seems to understand the way the world works and they don't, and the one person that they find that doesn't judge them and appears to accept their quirks doesn't really accept them at all and just assumed that they could change him once they're together. It sounds like a lot of these women are with a narcissist or a sociopath and not someone with AS at all. It also sounds like some of these women may also be narcissists or sociopaths and expect everyone to cater to them and when the person with AS doesn't they get resentful at him. You women are not perfect and probably don't meet just as many of your AS partners needs either. Get out of the spoiled princess syndrome and take responsibility for your actions as well.

anonymous 5 years ago
Its ironic how people with AS are said to have no empathy, yet many of the so called normal people on here seem to not only lack empathy but also compassion. People with AS at least have a medical condition, what excuse do you pathetic judgemental pieces of shit use for the way you act. Those that think someone should be exterminated or kept away from "normal" society for having AS has for more issues than someone with AS. Thats the talk of a psychopath, so maybe they should lock away all of you psychopaths that think violence against certain groups of people is acceptable. And for the trolls that are here just looking to start shit, go back to your mommies basement turn on some gay porn put your dick in your hand and do what you do best.
Posted 4 months agoReport
Lol kill yourself austard freak, make your parents happy.
And yes, you do not have emotions, you are a thing.
Fuck you, I hate your kind so much it hurts.

If you were my child, I would be the first to bash your head in. You have no empathy, emotions, you are just a retarded psychopath, and yes you are very very retarded.

I'm giving you no advice, you are irredeemable the moment you came out of your mother's womb.

Oh, and do it as painfully as possible.
anonymous 5 years ago
My point by point response:
I want to apologize for posting a vitrioloic rants.

I want to first clarify:
I was angry at these posts (not because of what it said about spouses, I agree they hurt people, I promise to not be one) I was angry about what it said about autistic people from a human rights perspective. The other autists coming here came here to defend autism itsel. If a 5 year old autistic girl is raped, I would be angry, but they wouldn't care. If a person says we autism is a disorder and people with it should work to improve their behaviour, they get angry. I'm not on their side.

"To other person, if they have no emotions and can't feel upset, why is the suicide rate 10x higher and depression rate higher?" -- Depression and suicide may not result from emotional excess but from deadness, supressed feeling, apathy.

I think there was a misunderstanding, I was objecting to the idea that ALL of them can't get upset or have not any potential for basic emotional FEELING according to the other poster. Autistic people do lack empathy, but not feelings, and sympathy is not the same as empathy, autistic people can have great sympathy. (This is what Maxine Aston, an expert write on relationships said)

What you said about deadness or apathy inside sounds like you are saying the suicide is no big deal even if you do not mean it, it sounds like you say they can't feel sorrow or pain (some might not, due to character disorder, NOT autism the condition, I did know one, but she changed as she got older, she said she was repressing her feelings when younger) it's easy for a reader to interpret it that way. It even sounds like a way to treat it like it's no big deal or they shouldn't be given help, because "they are just lazy with life, pfft let them die". Which is very uncompassionate. Note I am not accusing you of that, but I would accuse the other poster.

"Also if they cannot feel, the one's you met, consider childhood abuse or trauma, or consider flat affect which is common in psychiatric illnesses from stress or anxiety depression. Also a study showed non-depressed autistic people can feel emotional significance of music."
So, you as an aspie think it takes a scientific study to determine whether or not a person has functional /(okay I see this word now and undersand better)/ feelings? Can you not just, well, feel it? And yes, whatever the cause of the flat affect, it is still distressing and unpleasant for the partner to recieve no response.

Yes it is unpleasant,you are 100% right. I came here to debate the other stuff said about people with autism, not spouses. Maybe you mean something else than the other poster since you said "functional". Functional, do you mean having emotions that are recipricol and able to be properly expressed? The other person said there is ZERO inside, no emotions at all, but are you only saying they are impaired in identifying and using these emotions to their fullest? Maybe the problem here is we can't agree on what the word "emotion" means. Maybe you say they can feel, but aren't able to express or use them correctly in appropriately? That is not incorrect.

There are retarded severe autistic people who are sweet, loving, and expressive, friendly too, but very mild who are soulless, that's likely since severe people are given help as kids, they are given nurture and therapy, the mild end grow up ignored and not helped, bullied, and confused, so they grow cold. Regular children who grow up in orphanages develop similar personalities. This says this is not a medical autism thing, its a character disorder from growing up with autism, that can be mitigated. I'm objecting to implying that all are or will be like that.

"Plus it is hypocritical to complain but not realize what is causing autism,......
It is not 100% genetic, if you have two identical twins, 77% of the time both will be, but not 100% so there is a lot of enviromental causes like chemicals."
Certainly perhaps so, but the cause of a disorder does not mitigate the affect of that disorder behaviorally, nor does it really excuse it.

If the aspie wants to change, get well, and have insight and the NT partner wants to help and be patient, understanding, then this factor you mention may be relevant, but on its own it is meaningless. Frustrated people are going to be naturally frustrated by dysfunction despite your rationalization efforts.

Okay this was off topic, my reason I wrote this was I thought people here thought autism was something that was being spread on purpose by some inbred autistic clans...which was a stupid idea to have, I must have smoked weed or something. I was wrong.
A little on topic, I think age plays a role on whether they want to work on making a difference or not, that and childhood. Character disorder is not the same as clinical/medical pathology. Being unwilling is the former.

"Also to another guy, hating your autism is necessary to loving yourself, stop with the stupid pride, do people with alcoholism feel proud of being alcoholics? Or try to fight it and control it?" Fair point, harshly stated, but this is a rant board, and I and most others here too want to let off steam without endless qualifiers and absolutes aspies insist upon.

Okay, but I was adding that to reply to the other guy who was defending his autism. It wasn't aimed at you, and if it was aimed unintentionally, I'm sorry, just because I didn't mean it (accidentally aiming it at you ) doesn't mean I was wrong to do it.

"Also to many of you women, consider the reason you entered a relationship with them. The flatness and lack of emotional stimulation in the beginning may have drawn you to them which points to borderline personality disorder."
Yes, one dysfuntional person tends to be attracted to another, but consider that the borderline woman is portrayed as a bunny boiling murderer in media and is widely hated in psych treatment but the aspie is portrayed as merely hapless, maybe arrogant and annoying and is often defended by researchers. Borderlines tend to know how bad off they are while many aspies do anything they can to not know or deny it to death.

That could be cultural, I asked my psychiatrist whether her ASD patients wished to be normal. She said "In China I'd say 90% of my patients wish to be normal, its 50/50 in the USA". I don't know about borderlines view of themselves.

"Of course none of this will be read or replied to or attempted to be disproven. Because scientific research doesn't fit a person's narrative." This is scientific research?

I was talking about the part about the emotions, I am a poor writer, so I ordered it wrong.

"Also you don't hear as much anger or resentment from spouses of drug addicts, brain damaged people, schizophrenics, or more. I wonder if you give it too much meaning, of course there will be problems when you be with a mentally ill or crazy person like all of the above including autism. There isn't meaning behind it to find. " People are extremely angry because of the one-sidedness in aspie relationships. Many here are venting for two as it were because the aspie partner refuses to engage. Go watch the still face experiment videos of babies freaking out when a parent is unresponsive. Adults continue to feel that kind of panic if they are stonewalled by a loved one, especially repeatedly.

I don't doubt you. And I don't doubt people in relationships with those other kinds of conditions are angry, but do they make websites where they talk about ALL people with the condition, not just spouses?

Also I will remention the schizophrenia thing to clear things up: plenty of people with schizophrenics complain, but strangely enough most schizophrenics are not constantly symptomatic and merely have episodes and bad times, are often deeply caring, sensitive, artistic people when not very sick,....

Schizophrenia is not always a disorder where you just hallucinate then go back to normal. And we've known about it for 2 centuries longer than Autism so we can treat it better and detect, intervene, and get them some functional recovery which may be possible in Autism too IF YOU DETECT IT VERY EARLY ON AND GIVE INTENSE THERAPY, this guy is an example of a good outcome of partial FUNCTIONAL recovery:

You are dealing with an older generation of undiagnosed, untreated people. Things WILL change in the future when we treat it better.

"but strangely enough A FEW schizophrenics are not constantly symptomatic (FOR HALLUCINATORY/POSITIVE SYMPTOMS) and DO NOT merely have episodes and bad times SINCE THEY ALSO HAVE NEGATIVE, COGNITIVE, AND SOCIAL DYSFUNCTIONAL SYMPTOMS, are often deeply caring, sensitive, artistic people WHEN WE DETECT IT EARLY SO THEY DON'T DEVELOP PERSONALITY PROBLEMS when not very sick IN ABOUT ONLY 10-20% OF CASES USUALLY IN OLDER FEMALES THAT ARE NOT CHRONIC.
Some are so severe they need to be taken care of by their spouse 24/7 or put in a facility. Fed and showered, get screaming at, receiving no affection or empathy either. I was harping on schizophrenia because of my obsession with finding out why the view is so different.
It was not to defend autistic spouses. It was an OCD thing.
Posted 4 months agoReport
Hello, I am autistic, not asperger, they say I am retarded which is the difference. I am using brother's computer.

I see this, I want to say you are right, marrying them is bad. I never want to marry.. I want to have a cure, so I can be a good person and be good to a husband like good people. I think a cure or medicine to stop it is good, but there is none.

I believe your husbands are bad and they hurt you and should go to jail. There should be a law not allowing asperger or autistic to marry people who are normal. I have no empathy, but I want to have empathy so I can be good. Empathy is beautiful, I am sad I cannot have it , I cannot give empathy to make people feel happy.

Other people with asperger autism here are wrong to bully you. They are bad people, ignore them maybe they will run away. I don't know if that works but maybe.


anonymous 5 years ago
I wasted five years of my life on a loveless man with subhuman behaviour and superhuman demands. Only he mattered, only he was important. His voice was the only voice that was heard. All hope had to die before I could see what was there all along. My advice to any NT contemplating leaving a partner with AS is to leave and don't look back. The most you can hope for is a one-sided relationship where you do all the giving and he/she does all the taking. Run for your life.

anonymous 5 years ago
all of you people are disgusting. I have aspergers for your information. and I learned to cope with it. none of you don't know the pain unless you walk in our shoes. we are humans and we demand the same basic rights as you people. I have a fiancé who understood from the very beginning what she was getting herself into and she has been my rock. she actually helped me feel emotions that I thought were not there. for all of you to condemn us is inhuman and makes you the monsters. I hope some day you people will realize the errors of your mistreatment of us.
anonymous 5 years ago
If someone with Asperger's gets some help and makes an effort, he or she can be a fine partner, parent, friend, worker, and person. Without this help and effort, however, it's a hellhole existence for everyone involved.

I got involved with a man who was at the time showing no sign of Asperger's because he was in intensive therapy and researching communication constantly. This was mostly because he wanted a wife and knew that women would sooner crack him over the skull with a blunt object than be involved with someone who shows no empathy or consideration. When we were dating, he still said and did some really hurtful things that I didn't understand, and in particular he treated me like shit when I didn't read his mind or give him his way in the smallest matters. He pretty much tore me a new asshole for unknowingly getting in his way in the kitchen, distracting him when he was counting something, and for helping him look for something he lost. Apparently asking "have you looked on the bathroom floor yet?" was a form of abuse. I didn't end up marrying him, but small town life has led to prolonged contact, so I know how big a bullet I dodged. After I broke up with him he gave up on dating altogether, and after that he quit therapy, quit trying to communicate, and over the last 7 years or so he's basically become a complete asshole, living out a self fulfilling prophecy about nobody relating to him or liking him.

I'm sorry for your situation, OP. I hope you find a way out. Divorce sounds like a key move when you can manage it.
anonymous 5 years ago
I’ve been married to a man for 14 years with asperger. I have two kids who are teenagers and both also have a mild asperger disagnoses. What teally shocked me and broke me appart was how this handsome, quiet and smart man took me out, cooked me supper, gave me massages and treated me like any woman dreams of being treated only to completely stop the big act a day after we were married!!imagine asking your husband to sit with you at supper and he gets angry and yells why? I already know what you look like. I’ve raised both my kids. I’ve gotten used to being alone and being treated like a caregiver. Everything that breaks is my fault. Everything that is not to his liking is my fault. He will eat supper starting at Harley’s alone while I eat with the kids. My kids rated him 2 out of 10 for being a good dad. They said he has no conversations with them and no emotional connection at all with them. My youngest asked if I loved him. I laughed. How can you love someone that insults you, blames you for everything and shows no love or appreciation in return for 14 years? If I had to describe why I’m still with him it’s for a stable life for the kids. My heart has been broken so much by him all I feel is hatred and disgust for him. I live my life with my kids the way I want. I’ve stopped begging for him to come with us. We enjoy life without him. Seriously it should be a crime for asperger men to trap woman into marriage with bullshit acting. The man I loved died the day after we were married. I grieved him..and now I’m stuck with this careless asshole who shows more love to a motorcycle than his own kids and me.
Catrina 5 years ago
Today I was really sick. Actually I’ve been sick for three days with a really bad flu. Unable to work. When I was do weak I could not get out of bed, my 12 year old boy took care of me, not my husband. He actually yelled at me telling me to quit feeling sorry for myself and to make supper. It’s “only a stupid cold”. The next morning (Saturday) he woke me up coming back from his night shift by turning on the light in the room. He trllls ne he’s hungry!!! I was so furious. Not once did he ask if I needed water or medication. Offer to bake be soup. No no that will never happen with an asberger husband. Their thoughts on on themselves. My kids are getting older and helping me more now thank God. Life is depressing and lonely married to a robot. Yes a robot that takes temper tantrums and refuses to help with chores. Being married to an asberger husband is lonely, depressing and demoralizing.
Nancy 5 years ago
Just how stupid can ideas be? To the original poster and the other stupid bitch:
Do you have any idea how cause and effect works? If you say "all black people are scum"
then some black guy lashes back, you go "SEE WHAT A DISGUSTING SUBHUMAN! "Oh pooooor me!"
Oh no no no, it's obviously a myth people on the spectrum are more likely to be raped before the age of 5, are victims of killing in africa, and more!
You normal people who are obviously not ableist in the slightest are the real victims!

Of course you say me or another "has no feelings" how else can you justify your hatred and wish to marginalize, persecute, and cause harm?
If anyone you wished this on was somehow capable of pain, that would make you such BAAAAD people. You can wish all the worst but not feel a tinge of guilt.
Wanting to tattoo it on everyone with ASD's forehead, then what next? Gas chambers?
Who is this "we" you bigots talk about? If you go up to a parent of a child with ASD, do you think they will readily agree with you about
how their child is a disgusting monster that should be given no support or care? They MAY EVEN BE SLIGHTLY OFFENDED BY WHAT YOU ALL BELIEVE.
Good luck getting support for your fantasy! President Trump, Obama, Bush, Clinton, you name it, do you think one of them ever would agree?
No one will ever agree to be a fucking bigot who wants to oppress or kill an entire group of disabled people.

How the hell can the original poster even take herself seriously. She has a serious case of some personality disorder, probably borderline, there is no way
any regular person can think like this. This is all pure drivel. Yeah, you all suffered, but does it justify joking about Aktion T4?
Does it justify cruelty? The other day me and a child from special ed went to see a movie, an old classmate who volunteered to help this child and me came along,
you would force him to stay away, he must be mad in your eyes to have an ounce of desire to have been nearby. You would think he was stupid and should never helped any of those ASD children out.
You want segregation. The original writer, the women who openly calls herself a "bitch", yes you are. You are worse, you want to persecute.
Like the gold star of david on jews. Are you too goddamn blind to realize it?
You believe you are being persecuted, by who? Is half the governemnt run by autists? Of course! Just like how gays/trans, minorities, and women run the world!

From a man with PDD-NOS originally from Indonesia.
Wayan 4 years ago
Oh and two more things to the bigoted woman (and women) who writes all the horrible things, especially the allah-forsaken excuse of a writer who is the original poster.
The solution is to oppress? Not early intervention, education, better medical approaches for the disabled.
And before you even open your mouths and go on about how I am victimizing everyone, do you think to hell all the anger is because
I want to defend the husbands of whoever here? Like one of those other comments. It's this crap:

You:"Mention's marriage but goes off on 100 bigoted things about
hatred people with AS/ASD just for breathing, segregation, ableism,
inhuman, comparison to psychopaths, evil, no emotions, no human"

Other:"*Objection about the other stuff"

You:"HIIIISSSS, you only want to defend your right to MARRY us normal fully human NTs!"


From a man with PDD-NOS from Indonesia
Wayan 4 years ago
The best thing Aspies could do is find other Aspies and build intimate relationships with them.

I've been bestowed with a considerable IQ since childhood, and what attracted me towards this lovely person was primarily her intelligence, and delightful quirkiness. Except that my emotions and logic, that were manipulating the strings of attraction and love for this person at the time, would later on get entangled in a convoluted, shabby mess of a relationship that neither of us had bargained for.

Now that I think of it, life isn't fair to most of us - NTs and Aspies, alike. Rather than waiting out for a miracle to happen and expecting the unexpected, both NTs and Aspies should start relying on statistics and facts that would make our existences and mental narratives a bit closer to the hard realities of life.

And the conclusion is simple -- lifelong intimate relationships between the two are, more or less, ill-fated from the start. In other words, the two of us - NTs and Aspies - aren't the variables of the same equation. In fact, our mental setups are more at odds than compatible. "A happy ever after" when it involves us two is just a flight of fancy, and nothing more! In fact "A happy ever after" in an unrealistic idea any-which-ways, in any case!

I think people should rather chill out, and do something productive with their lives than craving for relationships all the f'cking time! Lol! But seriously, the culture industry -- as Horkheimer would've called it --, and this standardized notion of "love" has confused enough people and wrecked enough lives! People need to get over it and just start enjoying life in small, bit-sized chunks. It's not that bad at all once you eliminate all that mental noise which you've been exposed to since childhood.

And all the Aspies going crazy over here, chill out guys, and consider my advice! There'll always be a mismatch of needs that can't be ignored for a sustainable, fulfilling relationship. For a moment, without getting defensive, do consider the fact that there's definitely a possibility that you can be emotionally exhausting! More of a mismatch than a shortcoming -- take it this way!
ZombieMan 4 years ago
I’ve lived a life of pure hell for 15 years. I married a man with undiagnosed asperger syndome. I tried so hard to make him happy. I often cried myself to sleep. His water bottle was moved so I got screamed at. He’s missing apples for his lunch...another screaming match for him. I have never been brought up to scream at someone, yell or rip someone appartement with I really could not understand that I had been played. Tricked into married an autistic man who did not give a shit about me the day after our wedding. I live day by day not knowing if it’s our last one together and trying to make the best of it. Maybe after the kids grow up I’ll consider leaving. I know if I get sick he won’t take care of me. He has never once in 15 years. To him it does not matter if we talk on the phone or in person. There is no difference. He does not enjoy eye contact. In short, AS men should not pretend to be someone they are not. Too many women get tricked in marriage and realize when it’s too late that they married a complete stranger. I find this heartbreaking and abusive. It destroys lives.
Alexandra 4 years ago
i have aspergers, should i just kill myself? i mean, i'm subhuman trash, right?
anonymous 4 years ago
^If you plan to put on a false front to get someone to marry you, then yes to all!
anonymous 4 years ago
I agree that no one should trick someone into marrying them! It’s actually the most horrible thing you can do to someone to pretend that you have empathy when you don’t. Marrying a man with Asperger’s syndrome who tricked me put me into a huge depression, destroyed my health and my self worth. I learned to ignore him and raise my kids on my own. Essentially he’s like a roommate you try to avoid. My kids do the same. We know his routine and we get the helm out of the kitchen or the house when he’s getting ready for work. The only way to control his abusive cycle is to stay away as much as possible. I live my life like I’m single and I raise my kids alone. It was like the opposite of beauty and the beast the day after the wedding. Imagine loving your husband with all your heart and then the following day you are thrown into a dungeon alone and scared. It’s like he took off a mask and I did not know the man i married at all! I was scared. Heartbroken. Devastated. The man I lived never existed. It was all a show. When the show was over, I realized he was the opposite of what he pretended to be. To this day, all I want to go is scream. To all men with aspergers: Do not trick a woman into marriage!!!its cruel and abusives.
Donna 4 years ago
I have an Aspie son and he is the sweetest, kindest and most empathetic child. He is happy and has friends. The meltdowns stopped years ago.. His behaviour turned around with medication. I suggest this method of treatment for other Aspies as it really helps with anxiety. Make sure not to paint all canvases with the same brush. I love my Aspie and we work around his issues. Where there is a will, there is a way.
anonymous 4 years ago
^What happens when he's older, married, and as so many on medications do, decides he no longer wants to take them for one reason or another. The wife will have been tricked into marrying a man she did not know & most probably will not want to know. She did not sign up to "work around his issues" that will be only be magnified exponentially without the medication because it seems from your comment he still has some.
anonymous 4 years ago
Of course, he still has issues but doesn’t everyone? Stop being spiteful and get the divorce you obviously want. Let someone be with him who is better suited and more patient. You will be both be happier for it.
anonymous 4 years ago
To the woman with an Aspie son. It usually runs in the family. It has nothing to do with patience. I’ve been nothing but patient, loving and kind to my husband. At the expense of loosing my own personal identity. I put everything I loved and enjoyed on the back burner to help my asperger husband cope with life without having meltdowns. He had no idea he had it until both my kids were diagnosed with it. That’s right. The same man who rehearsed a role to get me to marry him also forced me to raise both my kids alone. He never washed them, changed their diapers, fed them or helped to educate them. My job was to make sure the kids did not disturb his routine or he’d start yelling and screaming st us. Or, he’d give us the silent treatment for days on end. I love my kids with all my heart. I have sacrificed everything in my life to help my kids and keep taking care of the man I married. The one who pretended to be someone he wasn’t so I’d marry him. Do I have patience? I think more than you will ever know. To live 15 years feeling alone, isolated, tricked? To make his supper every day and accept his routine that always needs to come first? I would say I’ve made the ultimate sacrifice. Maybe I will divorce him in a few years when my kids are grown up. That sounds like the day I will be able to breath fresh, calm air and the day my hopes and dreams can come alive again. My message stands clear. All men with Asperger’s syndrome should NOT date a woman and rehearse all the nice, loving things you can offer on dates so that the woman will live you. Why?? Because it’s not your true self!!! No one deserves to be tricked like that and live the life I’ve lived. It’s selfish and disgusting. It’s immoral.
Donna 4 years ago
I suspect my father is an Aspie and he has been happily married for 35 years. The person you divorce is never the person you marry. Stop ranting and get out of the marriage because it is making you fugly.
anonymous 4 years ago
Oh my gosh you have problems. Most people on the spectrum have sympathy and love they just have a hard time understanding other people. While he should have told you or someone should have before you married him your not a loving person there to help him. Your a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Times can get hard with anyone but your hateful bitter ass only feels sorry for your self instead of trying to love and understand him. You should figure out what someone is like and ask people before you marry someone. What a bitch you are and a horrible wife as well. He deserves better then a hateful, nagging, bitter, negative, unloving, self absorbed, and nasty person like you HE would honestly be better off if you packed your shit and got a divorce. Don’t just do it for you.
Shelby 4 years ago
Hello I have worked around many aspies and their nothing like the stereotypical idea your trying to put on ALL of them instead of one person. Your not a mental, emotional, or social health expert and have absolutely no idea what your talking about. Yes they have emotions or they would not get mad so then how would he be emotionless? Don't contradict yourself and you your self sounds like a nasty selfish person. Birds of a feather flock together have you heard of that one? Look your a very unloving mother and wife and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your part of the problem sitting here acting like a victim and you have done nothing wrong. Many aspies have more emotions then anger and self pity. there are neurotypical people who are like that. You should feel a deep sense of shame for depriving him of the one thing he needs most is love. Your a low life degenerate! I have been a bus driver for maybe six or seven years now plus a few years when I was in collage and have worked with these kids in my years of being a therapist and a flight attendant. Honey I know what I am talking about.
Donna B 3 years ago
I'll never forget the time my husband was 100ft up in a tree (trees were his obsession and job), I was below him moving the pieces he cut. The stitching holding his tape measure came undone and it fell to the ground, two feet from my head. A logger's tape isn't like a normal tape measure. They are round with thin metal edges and much heavier. If it hit my head, I'd be dead or have a massive brain injury. I looked up at him pointing at it on the ground "Bob, you dropped your tape". His reply, "I didn't know", he went back to his tree.
mar 3 years ago
What a sweetheart your not what a shame
Kylee 3 years ago
Note the "bitches aint shit" mentality of the dissenters to see you all you need to learn about the difference between the schizophrenic and aspie wife and why the schizophrenic wife remains in love and devoted. All these "you're a terrible shameful bitter wife who doesn't deserve to be with a partner who is giving 20% to the relationship" is what you get from entitled misogynists who consider women doormat caretakers and men human beings. I say this as a non-spectrum partner of an Aspie who is theoretically gender progressive but suffers from what has been rightfully called the extreme male brain theory of Aspergers and we battle through these hilariously sexist expectations of his on a regular basis. These mixed neurological pairings can be extremely incompatible and are not for the faint of heart. Any woman going into one bedeviled by an allegiance to traditional gender roles is asking for trouble. You cannot survive without an unshakeable commitment to getting your own needs met, whatever the cost.
There is no evidence-based counseling model available to guide us on this journey. I will be starting a youtube channel to address this problem soon. See you there, ladies.
flawedplan 3 years ago
How the hell did this get so many likes?! Also all the white knights?! I feel worse for him having YOU as a wife and the kids for having you as a mother. I mean if you can’t even take care of your own husband then how the hell can you take care of children and be there for them?!
Karol 3 years ago
Yea bud no one has said women should be caregivers. When you get married though you take a vow to love eachother for better or for worse. I would say the same to a husband who says this. Thanks though!
Dan 3 years ago
Oh and also in my personal experiences most (not all) but most people who say things like that are are misogynistic have dumb ass beliefs about men too just for your information.
Dan 3 years ago
I dated an Asperger. And it was hell. I would never do it again. And I want everyone in here to be warned! It is horrible. They will love-bomb you and then mistreat you.
HurtByAnAspie 3 years ago
25 years of hoping he would “grow up” and “mature”, 25 years of explaining why a person who is crying is upset or hurt and needs to be shown empathy and sympathy by asking them “are you okay” or if they are your children “hugging them”. NOT laughing in their face or getting angry because they are upset or hurt. 25 years of feeling he did not want to socialise, begging him to do things as a “couple”. 25 years of organising EVERYTHING alone - all holidays, children’s birthdays, buying of Christmas presents. Anything at all that requires organisation will be down to me. Lack of emotion, at first I thought he was the strong and silent type, emotionally stable. Little did I realise that he has no emotions, therefore never gets really upset, angry, surprised, shocked, excited etc Our young child was beaten by an older child, he showed zero emotion and carried on eating his food while I on the other hand comforted my son and then went to talk to the older child’s parents. He recently lost his mother, she passed away from cancer. ONE DAY later he is back to “normal”. In fact he went away skiing three days later for a week, he never ounce cried, never ounce talked about her. It’s like she never existed and he sleeps like a baby! He has no feelings of upset or worry to EVER disturb his sleep.

It makes no difference at all if he has Aspergers or if he is narcissistic. As, the REASONS behind his behaviour might be different based on if he has Aspergers or narcissistic personality disorder but the outcomes for myself and our children are THE SAME. It is of no help to me or my children to think “it’s not his fault , he can’t help it, he cannot understand” when he is LAUGHING at us or getting angry at us when ever we are hurt emotionally or physically. I worry that his zero ability to show any empathy and sympathy has been “normalised” within our family and now I’m scared what that will mean for our children as they grow up into adults. For example will my son think it’s okay to peruse his own interests at the cost of everyone and everything else? Will he be capable of comforting his future wife or children as he has NEVER seen his father do this. Will our daughter grow up to think it’s “normal” for your husband to never stick up for you, to never touch you (no snuggling, no kiss on cheek, no holding hands, just nothing). Will she think it’s her role to do EVERYTHING and her husband can be a Peter Pan type character? I’m very aware of the odd behaviour he is showing our children, I always try to explain to them that it’s incorrect, so that they don’t think it’s “normal” and end up behaving the same way! For example, I tell the children “It’s important to tell a person you love them, otherwise they might not know this”. I also explain to them that when a person is hurt you ask if they are okay, is there anything you can do and if they are your children or partner you can hold them/cuddle them. Not laugh at them or get angry (like their father does).

I am tired of the constant support he needs, the constant explanations, the repeating of everything. The lack of care, love and remorse on his side. I see myself as his “care giver” and nothing more. I very rarely disagree with him as there is no point as no matter how illogical his view point he will not be moved. There is also little point in discussion as chatting to him is like banging my head against a brick wall. He will NEVER see my point of view as his Aspergers does not allow his to have empathy, so he cannot put himself in my or anyone else’s shoes. As a result there is only one way and it’s - his way, his opinions, his thoughts. He cannot even understand how what he says can negatively effect me or the children. For example, if he says something hurtful and I cry. He will say “ but I haven’t done anything, I only told you what I thought. Why are you crying? I did nothing”. And there is no point in me explaining how his words hurt me as this will just make him angry and he will deny the very words that he said and he will end up speaking about something totally unrelated. Then the whole thing just becomes totally illogical and off the wall. And if I “push it” then this will result in the aspi stone walling. At 44 years old he will literally run off into another room or drive off in the car and completely abandoned me and the children and put his mobile off , so that we have no way of contacting him. Therefore, as you can imagine I have learnt to avoid showing any emotions to him (as they make him angry) and it’s rare that I try to have a conversation about how I or the children feel about something.

I cannot leave (yet) as the children actually love him, I cannot afford the house alone. I will not make my children move school due to having to sell our family home. My oldest also has important exams next year and my mother has early on set dementia. Therefore, I want to spend time with her not be going through a horrific divorce. As, sadly I KNOW he would make it horrific as he just cannot imagine that I no longer love him. He can be very “difficult” and spiteful when he thinks he is not getting his own way (like a young child having a tantrum). He does not appear to have a moral guideline. He lies constantly, even when there is no need. I’m not sure if he even understands that he is lying? He also has no trouble stealing from me. He thinks nothing of going into my purse and taking my money or credit card without telling me and refuses to pay me back for any money he steals. I have done the “normal” thing of explaining - if you need money why don’t you just ask Me? Or if you borrow money from y purse why don’t you let me know? Or if you are “borrowing” the money then you should pay me back, why don’t you? Nothing works, he just thinks that if he has no money then he can just take my money without asking or repaying me. If he really was faced with me truly ending the relationship I would be scared about how “difficult” he could become, not for me but for the children. So I will stay (for now) until either I get my inheritance and so I can buy him out of the house during the divorce or until the children finish school.

I don’t feel bad about not loving him anymore As he doesn’t seem to understand or need love. He needs a “care giver” to organise him and make his food. He does not understand the concept of such things as romance and does not need human touch. He is happy to watch tv, go on iPhone, play with kids that’s his Aspergers life. He has not got a single adult friend, he NEVER socialises and is happy to live a isolated life. I use to get really angry, upset and mad as I thought he didn’t care about me. But now, I understand there is no point to me crying, explaining things over and over, wishing he would show love and care. These things are just not going to happen as it’s not down to him being immature or not understanding it’s because he has Aspergers and he won’t get “better”, there is no cure, it is what it is. It’s my choice to stay miserable for now as in the long term this will put me in a stronger position. He has no idea that he causes so much misery as he cannot read my body language. He cannot see how his behaviour has destroyed our marriage, he believes everything just stays the same. And any upset or arguing is “forgotten” by the next day as his Aspergers brain seems to almost “re-set” over night and every morning to him is a clean slate. It does not matter what happened the day before, the next morning it’s as if nothing ever happened. Therefore he just cannot see or understand how his behaviour has slowly eroded away all the care and love I ounce felt for him. He does not understand or see that my brain does not “re-set” over night. If he thinks something then he makes the assumption that I feel/think the same way as him. As his Aspergers brain does not allow him to understand that I’m a separate person from him with my own feelings, thoughts and needs. He just cannot see/understand it. I have talked/explained for 25 years and now I’m tired. It’s a spectrum, therefore after 25 years I would have thought he would be better now at reading body language, of showing love and care but he has not improved at all. Maybe he is further along the spectrum than I anticipated? It doesn’t really matter as I’m o longer interested in being his care giver. I would like to experience a deep and meaningful love for a man and have my feelings reciprocated. I would like to experience that in my life time. As I met my husband when I was 16 years old, he was my first real boyfriend and as a result I thought for a long time that it was all “normal”. Then as time went on I made excuses for him - he is young he will eventually mature etc but it never happened. I cannot imagine what it must feel like for a man to talk about his hopes, dreams, fears etc as he just doesn’t share any feelings as I don’t think he has the same range of emotions as myself and the children. I can’t imagine what it would feel like for a man to organise something, or to comfort me when I’m upset or a man that says the words “sorry” a man that actually wants human touch! I know what we have isn’t “normal” but I just cannot imagine how fantastic it must be to have a true partner.
Sad Mary 3 years ago
He didn’t deceive me to marry him. I just made the mistake of thinking he was someone different to who he actually was. I was 16 years old when I met him, he was my first serious boyfriend. I thought that he was being a “gentle man” by not pawing at me (turns out he isn’t interested much in sex and does not EVER seek out human touch). When I was pregnant I was very unwell and he never ounces asked me for sex, I thought this was him being “extra considerate” as I was so unwell (turns out it was actually because it gave him the excuse he needed not to have to touch me). We never argued for the first three years of our relationship, I thought this showed he was emotionally stable as he never got jealous (like my friends boyfriends). As, a result I thought he was very laidback and it allowed me the freedom to go out with my friends every weekend, make friends in University etc
( turns out he was never jealous because he does not experience emotions at the same depth/level. He cannot read body language, he has extremely poor communication skills. Therefore he cannot SEE another man might be interested in me). He drank a lot of alcohol but so did everyone else, I was 16 he was 18, going to nightclubs, EVERYONE drank (turns out he was drinking in order to be able to actually be in the nightclub with all the noise and people). He encouraged me to work full time in my professional job, I thought it was lovely to have this encouragement (turns out he just sees me as some sort of “cash cow” that he can milk dry and now he thinks nothing of stealing money from me).
See he NEVER deceived me or tricked me into loving him and marrying him. What happened was that in my brain, I mistook his Aspergers behaviour as being normal for his age or I mistook his behaviour as him being a strong silent type, I even mistook his lack of interest in sex as consideration. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! And as a woman in my 40s I would be able to SEE these warning signs but I was a teenager and lacked relationship experience. I truly misread his behaviour. Then before I knew it I was married with two children. The children kept me busy and I worked full time but as the children have grown up, we disagreed more and more. Until one day I just said to myself how he behaves is not “normal”. It’s not “normal” to 100% believe that you are always in the right, it’s not “normal” to not be interested in sex or any kind of human touch, it’s not “normal” to never show emotion such as sadness when a person gets hurt or dies, it’s not “normal” to forget what another person said seconds ago, it’s not “normal” to never, ever worry and so your sleep is never disturbed, it’s not “normal” to not ever discuss your hopes and dreams with a person you have known for 25 years, it’s not “normal” that if I cry this makes him feel angry at me, it’s not “normal” not to cry when your own mother dies and she was a good mother to you, it’s not “normal” to no longer have a single friend in your life and not feel lonely, it’s not “normal” to never want to organise a day/night out with your other half. The list is just ENDLESS, I literally googled his behaviour - no remorse, no empathy, strange repeated movements and straight away “Aspergers” appeared. The more I read the more I could SEE that he had Aspergers. And that’s how I’m with him.
Sad Mary 3 years ago
I know! I went to school with someone with Aspergers (we’re both girls; her name is Abby) and she FUCKING SUCKED THE JOY OUT OF EVERYTHING!


But just because she had Aspergers, doesn’t mean it’s the cause. She’s just an asshole.

Of course if she calmly explained why she acts the way she does and politely asked me for help, I would have at least considered it.



In conclusion, I know how you feel, but maybe those two people with Aspergers would act like shitheads, whether they were diagnosed with it or not.
Anonymous (suck a dick, Abby) 3 years ago
I spent today looking at this comment section after being told someone was plagiarizing me. Some of you aspies are impersonating me, down to the quotes I've used before. I've met you guys on wrongplanet. I've never posted here! You better stop it johnnyjohn!

Anthony 3 years ago
Nice try. except you were. "Anthony". You told yauser know you wanted me banned from the FS.

Johnnyjohn was banned from wrongplanet years ago, but I see he hasn't quit.
Could I give you the benefit of the doubt? Is making a post as me (and once as Yuval, I remember you told me. But I don't think anybody ever cared lol) your new special interest?

But it looks like you wanna keep on ruining it for me, in real life and the internet, even if it doesn't work it feels awful finding out you've done this! AFTER ALL the work we did!
IF YOU ARE STILL HERE JOHN!, get your ass back to the FS!

anonymous 3 years ago
BITCH! It's people like you who make us Aspie's feel bad about ourselves with your stereotypes! It's the reason why we would want to kill ourselves!!!!
Anna 2 years ago
"BITCH! It's people like you who make us Aspie's feel bad about ourselves with your stereotypes! It's the reason why we would want to kill ourselves!!!!"

Here again?!?!?! SOUNDS LIKE YOU! What are you still doing here? YOU HAVEN'T REPLIED!!!

(If you're not John/Johnnyjohn, then ignore this)
anonymous 2 years ago
Finding this site is both a huge relief and saddens me as much as i must accept my situation and make a decision on which direction to go.
Ive dated a man for a year and was instantly attracted to him. His style, mannerisms, attitude are very different in what initially seemed quite attractive.
Problems began to develop. Inflexibility, needing things done his way, distance including ignoring me for days, dismissing my feelings, etc. He was devistated when i broke it off but refused change, acknowledgement of his behaviors.
I labeled him a narcissist, moved on and found him back in my life. The heart has a hard time letting go. He has become combative, arrogant and only charming and attentive when he wants me.
He said he has an autistic disorder. This is also evident from his family background. How do i get rid of him? I see no other way. He is completely about himself and impossible. I did learn a lot about myself through him so i have no cause for bitterness. Thankful he didnt ask me for marriage as i might have said yes. Need support to move on, thank you friends.
Sally 2 years ago
As much as I’m sorry about what you all had to go through (yes, being autistic is not an excuse to hurt anyone), please stop spreading the hate! Autistic people are human beings too and so many of them are being abused by NTs. Again, stop spreading the hate!
anonymous 2 years ago
I’m not spreading hate. I’m looking for support, validation and suggestions.
How do you engage with a partner who never does what you ask, who has to have everything their way, who denies responsibility, who deflects and projects, who is inflexible, demanding and doesn’t attempt to connect, strengthen rapport, show respect etc?
There have been times i was sick, in pain, in grief and he is no where. Doesn’t inquire and gets angry if you ask him why.
Sally 2 years ago
Autie/aspie here. I want to say I believe 100% it's a disease and if there was a magic pill that made a person normal I would be the first in line, and everyone should take it too.

It must be difficult and frustrating to have to deal will all his behaviors, symptoms, and on top of that him telling you he likes being that way and his supposed superpowers (If he refuses to try to improve I suspect he would say that).

And when you tell others, they make it a moral issue, you get told by the media or the professional community "that did not happen". I want you feel satisfied that I believe you.
Yuv 2 years ago
I was in a relationship with a guy with aspergers. He dumped me the day i got diagnosed with cancer! He told me i had issues because I was crying and dumped me via text! I was shattered. I loved him for his quirks and he could be endearing at times but he was also arrogant, selfish, unempathetic, rude and blunt etc. He wouldn't make eye contact with me, was socially inept, but I loved him anyway. He was also hypersexual. I've never been so hurt.
Gayle 2 years ago
Wow Gayle, your story is unbelievable. How awful to be in that season of your life without support from someone you would expect to be there. I’m so sorry. It actually is eerily disturbing too. The reason i say this is it sounds exactly like the “aspie” i was seeing who also bailed during chemo. Same traits including hypersexuality. He really seemed more like a narcissist.
His name doesn’t begin with an M now does it?
Janine 2 years ago
You are the same kind of person who goes for the bad boy and wonders why your relationship and life sucks ass after you get married. The type who has about 100 STD's and has had abortions and about 15 dudes paying you child support and your paying 3 guys child support. Total victim mentality and then finally you marry what ever Tom Dick or Harry comes around and then you just make him your scapegoat to everything wrong with you. You want to stereotype everyone else over choices you made in your life and pin the blame onto others. People can't help if they have Asperger's though it was wrong for him not to tell you. I am sure you are not the angel wife you claim to be I bet your just as abusive if not more. I know how these relationships work you life in a duplex and have the police there about once every week and both spouses have domestic assault charges but every time someone does something you call the police and then go WAAAAAAA I LOVE him/her DON'T TAKE THEM TO JAIL WAAAA UHHH HUUHHHHH and then you then proceeded to woe is me and won't get a divorce and just keep dragging this can down the road.
Sabrina 2 years ago
Hello Sabrina, I am also on the spectrum like you are.
Go to hell!

The world is one big mess, why does this disease have to exist, it's a hindrance for the person and the people around them! How can anyone be proud of it?
Yuv 2 years ago
I definitely don't want to use my empathy resource anymore to understand all the abuse that was projected to me for two years by a person who has no empathy at all. Ah, they will say that they have (of course, certainly in my experience they DON'T). I am no longer interested in the point of view of people on the spectrum and even about what science says because, in my experience, they have never made the same effort for me and on the other hand. When they speak of understanding and adaptation, they speak of the other who commits suicide and is completely distorted. I was taught and treated like a servant, almost a slave by a guy obsessed with mathematics, masked foreigner. This is a low blow that I cannot recover from today. Why should I understand this? I will not understand why I did not receive any support to understand my pain myself! I sacrificed myself, changed my career, country, and was abandoned in the middle of a pandemic in another country while he moved quickly to seek a doctorate on the other continent. There is no rigid, benevolent and partial comment that makes me withdraw all the words I want to convey. And I also don't value what people who have never experienced this say, this crappy one-sided relationship. I never wanted to offend anyone who has this, I am extremely sensitive, but no one told me where I was going. Worse, it put my life on the line and just went away like dust. I do not have to blame myself or console people who do not make the least effort to ensure normal coexistence with other human beings. I am not going to throw stones at the woman who wrote the post because part of the speech is exactly mine. And many comments here are stupid pointing out that she was insufficient about the relationship: women do not exist to care for husbands, babies or infantilis. Any human being needs basic affections and validation for a good life. There is nothing that can change that, there is no distortion that convinces that the basics should not exist. I'm sorry for all of you! Do not waste time trying to explain such an experience to people who do not know what they are talking about, do not believe in and defend romantic blindness. IT'S NOT ROMANTIC!

Giorgia 2 years ago
Can’t fucking stand these defective retards including myself foetuses should be tested for autism and aborted if tested positive
Aspie retard 2 years ago
I feel for everyone here. I dated an undiagnosed aspie off and on for 4 years. I finally spoke with my counselor and explained that he has two brothers. One who has autism and one who has schizophrenia. Everything he shared about his deceased dad screams aspergers also. In the beginning he was great. I noticed odd in the beginning he invited me to go tour a navy boat he had been on 30 years before when he was in the navy. I was sick and as we walked, he walked way ahead of me as I struggled to keep up. When he was about 40 feet ahead of me or so, he suddenly turned around and looked confused, like he suddenly remembered I was there. Then turned around and walked back toward me. Eating the same foods over an over. Telling me if we ever got married he was not sure he could have a wedding because he didn't want people looking at him. He did propose to me and told me it was a $30 fake ring because "no woman that I would marry would need an expensive ring", meanwhile he goes out and buys a $40K plus new truck. I did not say yes or no. For 2 years after he would get upset and say, "well I was the one who ASKED you to marry me and YOU said no." I reminded him I did not say no, but I allowed him to vent. Anytime I needed to talk about something he had said or done that was hurtful he would say, "I don't know why you can't let anything go. I always let things go and never remember them." I was raised to be kind and not aggressive so I never reminded him how he would always bring things up, being a hypocrite!
In the way they mask themselves, they are very similar to narcissists. I never even thought of aspergers until my mom who was a teacher and had had students with it said, "Maybe he is autistic?" Then I remembered his family history! He also had told me he was "socially awkward" growing up. This only made me feel sorry for him and want to try. He was very childlike in good ways but also bad ways (temper tantrums). I met him in a bad place in my life. My ex husband (who had police investigate him-he's not a good guy) had left a threatening VM on my phone and I was sick with a chronic illness. My aspie was a cop and a friend introduced me to him thinking he could help protect my kids and I from my ex husband. I wish she had never introduced us. My ex husband eventually backed down.
My relationship with my aspie finally ended 3 days ago when I told him that I could not compete with his retirement and money, that it was more important to him than I was. He did not dispute it.
That told me so much, despite him telling me I am the first person he has loved (he is 54 years old, never married, no kids). It still stings to know what I felt was true actually was true. My ex husband had a severe sex addiction/cheating/porn. I need to figure out why I allow men who do not love me into my life. I also had been single for 4 years before meeting him and I know if I had been in a good place I would have not been vulnerable and dated him. He could be so mean and cruel when he got defensive. He told me on several occassions that "not many men would want to date you" despite my friends telling me I am a good catch. The strangest thing was that when I would talk about God and what He has done in my life he would have nothing to offer despite saying he was a Christian. Then he would get defensive and try to make me feel bad for talking about God. I remember thinking, "There is something missing in him." About 2 years later I realized what it was: Empathy, or what I said at the time, "That human element".
I wish there was a support group for us.
We are stronger having survived this. We WILL heal. Just speak positive encouraging love into your life. I just finished my graduate degree despite almost quitting last year when this man literally almost ruined me. I considered killing myself due to what he had done and said. Never before has anyone done that to me and I am in my early 40's! So thankful the Lord helped me to finish school and get a good job.
I don't hate him, but I need to fully forgive him because I do still have anger for him duping me. Basically lying and then recanting. And also many times denying things he said or did. I remember him making a "joke" after my then 18 year old son announced Kolbe Bryant had just been reported dead. He said, "Oh he probably killed himself because Lebron James broke his record!"
Who does that? Who in the world can try to make fun of someone who just died? An aspie. I was so embarrassed as my 3 teenagers, my mom and dad and I were all sitting at the table eating supper together. We all just sat there stunned until he said, "Oh sorry, bad joke".
It was so so awkward.
Takenforaride 2 years ago
I could just cry reading these stories because I’ve experienced similar problems with the man I’ve been dating the last few years. I’ve tried repeatedly to break it off but am hanging on with hope he will change. Intellectually I know he won’t but the heart gets in the way right?
I’ve never experienced the defensiveness, lack of empathy and collaboration as I’ve experienced with him. Most conversation we have gets cut off by him only to discuss something about himself. He loves to talk about himself. While I find him very intelligent, attractive and charming in his own way, I just need the courage to move on. The fights, false promises…arrogance are just insane..
Bets 1 year ago
It's really sad reading all the hurt this post has caused ASD people. I just wanted to say that this post is NOT about you. Please don't take it personally. All ASD people are different. Just like all NTs are different. These women have been hurt by ASD people who also are assholes and narcissistic. Most ASD people are loving, kind and good. But, some are also assholes and narcissistic. Some NTs are assholes and narcissistic but most are good.
Lizard 1 year ago
It's really sad reading all the hurt this post has caused ASD people. I just wanted to say that this post is NOT about you. Please don't take it personally. All ASD people are different. Just like all NTs are different. These women have been hurt by ASD people who also are assholes and narcissistic. Most ASD people are loving, kind and good. But, some are also assholes and narcissistic. Some NTs are assholes and narcissistic but most are good.
Mary 1 year ago
Timsomia 1 year ago
Timsomia 1 year ago
Are the individuals referenced diagnosed formally or are they self diagnosed?
I wonder if some of them were misdiagnosed. I am reading accounts of cruel, manipulative and deceitful behavior in some instances and wonder if some folks have actually been dealing with narcissists like the above poster mention.
Some really sound like pathological levels of narcissism.
Amy 1 year ago
Test comment - might not work
Nevermind 1 year ago
how are you accidentally marrying people like this? why are so many people getting married 2 years/weeks/days/hours after meeting someone. I have a rule, its called the 5 year rule. I wont even consider anyone unless I know them for at least 5 years. So far, it has saved me several times. I did end up meeting the right person, and it took a long long time. Patience is the most important thing. Also, I know someone personally who has been diagnosed with this, for years, and though I am not married to them I don't see half of the traits explained here. These people all sound like they might also be narcissistic, as those are more a quality of that. Abusive people are oft narcissistic, other disorders may marry with it but you cant always blame it on the other. Furthermore, two narcissistic people together is a recipe for disaster. If you are both, then you can't really even complain. It's like a prostitute complaining that they got an STD. Or someone who eats a Double Whopper every meal complaining that they are fat. Just like it's bad to marry an actor if you aren't one, since you'd never know when they are being sincere. Some people are doomed to be either alone or unhappily married. It sucks, but it's true. The statistics don't lie. I am not better than you, nor is there such thing as luck. It all comes down to how each person acts and feels. Reality really does not care for fairness.
Lynne Tinthe Dryer 1 year ago

HOWIE PHEALS 1 year ago
Yes, Mr Trump aced the dementia test and had the highest scores ever recorded for anything ever recorded simply because they could not steal them from him because he did not not do what he did not not do or not do anything else, also, that he either did or did not do and that is why it was done that way or not done and that is why we have exsexutibb pribb ledge and the 745 5ths and miles of appeals.
gyoo-lee-ahh-knee 1 year ago
No AS husband, but an AS brother who made our mother's life hell. Dealing with him is emotionally soul sucking. And whenever he announced a planned visit back home after going out on his own it was a countdown to a nightmare. All the peace an karma of the house were drained out of the house, and a total gloom just settled over the place. All made worse by the fact he drank as well (to loosen up he said), working his way through a case of beer himself in day & then on to whatever else was in the house. This only made the inane conversations even more bizarre & everyone in the house walking on eggshells & actively trying to do their best to "hide" as best they could from him. To spell from him, my father would take him for one day to the business we owned in a nearby city, but that was usually only for a few precious hours. And after he left, my mother needed 3 days of serious down time as she was the one who engaged with him the most. And the sad thing was the clock was reset the moment he left for the misery to come again next year at Thanksgiving. Now that our parents have passed, I try to limit contact with him as there is no longer a family to try and divide up the misery and tag each other out of engagement with him for a break. I only do wellness checks, by text, because I will not suffer him like my mother.
anonymous 1 year ago
Good Lord...what a tax on your mental and emotional health....just think what an imrovement it will be to have one of the A S as President again. We will learn all kinds of new ways of avoiding truths and rejecting feelings.
dokktor wannky 1 year ago
billy bo bob bill 1 year ago
My sympathies to anyone married to an aspergers partner. I have a 28 yo son. He has made our lives difficult from age 5 then absolute bloody HELL HELL HELL from age 13. He may appear simple from the outside and lacking social skills. But he more than makes up for it by using low cunning in order to manipulate people. It’s like living with a mad nazi dictator that you constantly have to appease just to survive. He has personally driven me to near insanity. I have even imagined him to be possessed. God help me.
1 year ago
Been married 44 yrs to one. The last 16 have been almost neat, after I built a wing on the house for her. We say hello occasionally. She lays traps, they are obvious, tho sometimes dangerous. I guess I am sad.
This is not fixable... Go NOW. 44 years in covid lockdown in a land where no one speaks. Go out & Learn to smile again and have the distant joy of kinship or even maybe a friend to be real with. Missing touch is just awful.
wont say 1 year ago
'No AS husband, but an AS brother'
I feel your pain. My son is exactly the same. A selfish drinker too which makes it all ten times worse, doesn't it.
1 year ago
I am autistic. I am a unique individual who loves their parents to death and am capable of a broad range of emotions. It's just that sometimes I can't identify which emotions I am currently feeling, especially if they are muddled together. I have just finished a degree, am creative, passionate and loyal. Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses. It's your choice to work on them. I don't regret being born. Infact, autistic people have some amazing gifts like creative thinking and attention to detail. The anti-autistics on here are going straight to hell. Your ignorance and lack of compassion astounds me. I have just spent 2 hours scrolling through this bilge and in short, the anti-autist comments are hate crimes which should be punishable by law. Only thing I've learnt is to never trust NT people. Not worth the risk anymore. If you are an autistic reading this forum thread for whatever reason, please do not kill yourself or think yourself as sub-human. You've got this. Forget the bigots.
autistic and proud 12 months ago
FFS you're talking about children and adults. You don't know what you are on about. I have an autistic child and she amazes me. What you're saying is wrong and you won't understand unless you have an autistic child yourself. And my child passed uni.
Sue 12 months ago
Man I seriously understand what you're feeling here. All I can say is look up Cassandra Syndrome and look for some support whether it's local or online. Equip yourself with knowledge on neurodiverse relationships so you can make an educated decision on how to stay, or get out. It is true that being married to someone with AS can cause physical illness/disease so be careful and take care of yourself.
Aspie's Wife 10 months ago
Yes, Cassandra Syndrome is very real. There will be a lot of neglect and lack of communication in the marriage but also a lot of love and happiness. You have to weigh the pros and cons and then stay or go. Its never easy especially if youve been together for a long time.
Liz 10 months ago
So what if the ex-wives, fake friends, attorneys, servants, passers by and co conspirators describe Mr Trump as an Aspergeroid? He is different because he is rich, plays golf, is the effing preshdent and has worn the burkha. SO THERE.
melania 10 months ago
these comments disgust me. just no words for any hate yall give to people with the as condition.
madeleine 8 months ago
As someone diagnosed with Aspergers, I relate a lot more to this post than I'd like to admit. Honestly, its things like these that make me think a lot Aspies are actually misadnosed psycho/sociopaths but they couldn't tell the overbearing mothers because of how she might react to that. But getting away from that guy is a good idea. Hopefully you can / you've found someone better for you than him.
anonymous 8 months ago
I recently met and caught feelings for someone on the Asperger’s spectrum. When we talked it was amazing. When we were with each other it was amazing. I’ve never felt such a strong, intense and sudden connection with another individual but then as time went on and I got to know them more it became harder to connect. Whether this was “masking” or not, I don’t know.

They would go days without communicating and ignore me, but be present and posting on social media, and when they reconnected they acted like it was a normal thing to do. As the time went on, they payed little interest in what I had to say and became self-centred and focused on their own interests, wants and needs. It was near impossible to plan anything, they would just make excuses, become overwhelmed with decision making and didn’t want to do anything that didn’t suit them or their routine.

As much as I try not to label them for being an aspie, as well as, having tried very muchly to understand Asperger’s as a condition, but it drove me utterly crazy giving all I have to try and win their affection and attention.

I don’t think they’re a bad person, and I’m grateful for the time we spent together. They made me feel so alive and comfortable but like with any type of relationship, NT/Aspie NT/NT, it works both ways. A relationship is all about give and take, sharing each other’s interests and needs, not about being one sided and made to feel insecure and unwanted. No relationship is worth that.

I have nothing against aspies, everyone’s different, yes aspies are different but aye who wants to be normal! And in all my years no one has ever made me feel so connected like they did. However, no condition should ever excuse mistreating someone or draining them of all their energy.

We’re all human, we’re all unique but we also all have needs, wants and behaviours, for a relationship to work, these need to be met for both parties involved, not just one sided!
anonymous 7 months ago
I found this, because I googled: undiagnosed Aspergers made my life hell. Because I have lived this, I can tell you, it’s not your fault. I was with someone for 2-3 years, he would have tantrums but tell everyone how everything was my fault. He told me I was crazy every time I tried to express my emotions to him. He told everyone we knew I was crazy. He was so selfish to a ridiculous level. He believes he is never wrong, never apologizes, everything was always my fault. Whenever I would try to express my emotions to him he would call me manipulative. To him, telling someone how you felt was manipulation. He ruined my friendships by talking about me behind my back, I became completely isolated yet he never wanted to stop seeing me to his friend’s confusion. He treated his mother very badly. There was no in between between sweet shy guy and having a full on tantrum, there was never any room for my feelings. He would play games with me to punish me for when I tried to express to him that I was upset, and when these games made me more upset he would point the finger at how crazy I was. Anytime I would treat him how he remotely treated me, he would have a tantrum. He was uninterested in sex, didn’t want to be touched, withholding that from me but continuing to want to date me was abusive. All this was abusive. I have so many hang ups now because of how he would treat me, I am afraid others will be the same. Unfortunately I work with him, and he still brings these behaviors to work, abuse that he reserves for me only, while no one else knows him like I do. I do not know how he successfully turns people against me, but he’s done it over and over. It was a huge mistake to date him, a therapist told me she believed him to be undiagnosed, he says he was tested as a child and does not have that, but why was he tested, he clearly showed these traits as a child. People who don’t know him well have no idea what he is like. It has been over two years since we were together and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel effected emotionally by his abuse.
Amy 6 months ago
The OG post is pretty old, but this comment is for anyone still rummaging through these relics for fun as I am. Warning for using all caps, I promise I am not yelling at you, I just don’t have the option to use italics.

To get started, let's talk about Asperger's, what is it? Well, it's not a disorder, well, at least not any more. In 2013 Asperger's was removed from the DSM-5, which is a catalogue of all the diagnosis codes for recognized and diagnosable disorders. With Asperger's removal from the registry came a new, "updated" version of the diagnosis. ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder. Now, you may be thinking, "Isn't Asperger's a type of autism? Why remove it?" and thats a complicated question. For starters, autism is a blanket term for miscellaneous behavioural disorders which come in generally aligned patterns, such as high anxiety, lack of social skills/awareness, lack of demonstrated empathy, extremely high empathy, delayed language or movement skills, epilepsy or seizures, Hyperactive, impulsive, and/or inattentive behaviour due to hormone irregularity etc. You'll notice a lot of these symptoms are found in neurotypical people, just as genetic disorders. Theres a reason ASD is called autism SPECTRUM disorder, as the diversity of it makes it impossible to properly code and categorize, thus the blanket term.

So, going back to Asperger's, why was it removed? Well, let's start with what Asperger's actually was. The syndrome was named after the Austrian paediatrician Hans Asperger, who, in 1944, described children in his care who struggled to form friendships, did not understand others' gestures or feelings, engaged in one-sided conversations about their favourite interests, and were clumsy. In 1994, the diagnosis of Asperger's was included in the fourth edition (DSM-IV) of the American Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. But hang on, who is Hans Asperger? Well, as mentioned, he was an Austrian doctor in... 1906-1980. Wasn't there something happening during a majority of his adult life? Oh, yeah. World War Two. Hans Asperger lived in Nazi occupied Vienna during their regime and was rewarded for his affirmations of loyalty with career opportunities. He joined several organizations affiliated with the NSDAP, publicly legitimized race hygiene policies including forced sterilizations and, on several occasions, actively cooperated with the child ‘euthanasia’ program.

Yeah, the guy who did the study on kids with mental disorders ranging from mild anxiety to high functioning autism? Yeah, he was all in on killing them. Neat.

In his original study, Hans Asperger claimed all the children in his study, ages 8-12 were psychopaths. Which, mind you, is not a legal medical diagnosis, even for the time. Just to add another disturbing note, most of these children were not held with parental consent and many had parents in Nazi camps.

But that was long ago, right? We use/say/benefit from stuff created by horrible people all the time, like Winston Churchill! Except, this isnt an instance of good bulb bad plug, no, the bulb is broken. Our idea around Asperger's as a diagnosis, as originally written, requires you to believe in race theory, which uh, yeah I think we all know why thats bad.

So, whats with all these purportedly "diagnosed with Asperger's" men abusing their spouses. Well, for one. No one is diagnosed with Asperger's, even if thats what your doctor wrote on your sheet, the code for it will only link you to ASD. As far as the informed medical world is concerned, Asperger's is not a clinical diagnosis. So, for those of you with Asperger's, welcome to autism, you're more likely to be a victim of assault and abuse than you are to be an abuser. No, really, it's incredibly rare for people with just autism to commit violent or malicious acts, which includes verbal abuse. 98% of studies on the connection between malicious behaviour and autism found that an overwhelming number of reported violent criminals with Asperger's/ASD also had other coexisting psychotic psychiatric disorders, such as schizoaffective disorder. A coexistence of psychotic disorders are referred to as "comorbid disorders". Comorbid disorders can be completely independent of one another, or can have overlap in symptoms and how they express themselves. People who are only diagnosed with ASD have a very similar estimate for violent behaviour as a neurotypical person would, with one catch. People with ASD are actually less likely to commit crimes in general than neurotypical people are.

So, yeah, this rant has a bit of a misunderstanding, if the claims made are completely true, (Which I am in no way claiming they are not. Casting doubt on claims of abuse is horrible, and I am fully willing to believe the claims made.) then the problem here has been misunderstood. I'm not going to diagnose someone who I have never met, and only know about via someone, who I also do not know, else's biased and clearly venting statements. All I'm going to say in that regard is, either the husband is using his ASD diagnosis as an excuse for the symptoms and behaviours stimulated by a comorbid disorder, or he is lying.

Now that thats all out of the way, how do we handle this, just as people. What do we do when someone in our life with a neurological disorder which makes it incredibly hard for you to communicate with them and for them to communicate with you, is causing us pain? Well, let's start with the obvious.

1) Are you missing something?
The thing about ASD is that the social cues neurotypical people pick up on, such as tone in voices, or phrasing commands as questions (Are you going to do the dishes?; Please do the dishes. Are we doing anything for Valentine's Day?; I want to do something for Valentine's Day. How do I look?; Please tell me I look nice, as I need reassurance in my decision.) Are things those with autism DO NOT pick up on. They take these statements completely literally and will give their honest opinion. They do not pick up on body language as easily, nor do they pick up on tone. The small things neurotypicals do to convey intent, keep social flow, and avoid forcing a full conversation are not picked up on by people with ASD. They just don't think that way, and there is little to do about it. If this seems to be the case, then you might need to try to meet them half way. Instead of "Are you going to do the dishes?" you will have to use direct wording. That can be annoying, and hard to adjust to, but again, your partner/family member/friend has a neurological disorder, they can’t just decide to realize when you are actually asking a question or not.

ASD can be difficult for neurotypical people to understand because your brain is already wired to “get” certain social cues, body languages, and tonal indicators. This isnt a case of them “not trying hard enough” or “not making the effort” they literally CAN’T. They don’t have the plasmids with the right DNA strands to allow them to develop those specific behavioural skills. If you wish to keep this person as your partner, you have to ask them things directly, straight forward. This doesnt mean “act like a robot” this is a person, they are not a machine and they do have empathy. In fact, people with ASD are more likely to have higher empathy than you, but remember what I said earlier when listing symptoms? “Lack of demonstrated empathy” DEMONSTRATED empathy. Demonstrating care and emotion is one of those social things which neurotypical people pick up on, and those with ASD have to be told how to show. This doesnt mean they don’t feel empathy, they do, they just do not know how to demonstrate it. And you will probably have to tell them. Communication is necessary in every relationship regardless of sexuality, race, religion, and mental disorder, and some require more than others.

2) No, I think they are straight up an asshole.
This is complicated, and will need lettered segments.
A)Why not leave?
Leaving a relationship is hard, and can be for a variety of reasons, such as personal safety, financial security, emotional safety, and even just practicality. Let's start with personal safety, since it’s the hardest.

Personal safety – This means a risk to your bodily health. Is your partner already physically abusive? Such as physically harming you (throwing things at you, grabbing you, attempting intercourse with you despite your protest, burning you, etc) or threatening to physically harm you? (Threatening sexual assault, physical assault, harm to your loved ones, etc) in these cases, you need to beginning communicating with trusted friends. Abusers tend to try to separate you from your loved ones. (Telling you not to hang out with certain friends, forcing you to spend time with their family instead of your own, taking away points of contact such as a phone, etc) If you are still able to contact these people in some way, and believe they are willing to help do so. Regardless of that, you need to contact your local authorities, compile evidence of abuse if you can, and request victim aid. I know this can be iffy, not all authorities can be trusted, and you may be in a position in which contacting authorities would be a danger to your health in the first place. If either of those is the case, look for local safehouses for abuse survivors, make sure to check if they are involved with anything “sketchy” or if they require registration.

Emotional Safety – Maybe this person can’t harm you physically, but they can do a number on you emotionally. Things such as threatening to take your children in the case of a custody battle, threatening to get you fired from your job, or in some cases, threatening suicide if you leave them. Both losing children or a job are highly stressful, and contacting a layer or your boss beforehand to give them a warning or to provide evidence is recommended before attempting to break things off. Threatening suicide is different. Something you need to understand when your partner threatens to kill themself if you attempt to break up with them is that you are not at fault. It doesnt matter what they, or their friends, or anyone else says. If you can find compile evidence of this threat while attempting to split from them, it may be possible to put them into 24 hour care at your local mental health facility. Don’t feel guilty about this, the worst that will happen while they are there is that they receive a proper diagnosis for any underlying disorders and even will receive treatment. Not only will you have protected yourself, but you will have done them good by helping them.

Financial Security – No one wants to be solely dependent on someone else for money, housing, etc. If you have found yourself in this situation, a number of things will need to be considered. First off, do you have a job? If not, either look into getting one, and setting up a bank account separate from your partner, if you have trustworthy friends, put their address down as the billing address. If you are unable to get a job, collect money in secret, ask trustworthy friends for help, or find small things to do. Eventually this will build up enough to either buy you a ticket to your home country, or get you into a temporary housing while you find a job. Having your own money is very important, and should be your main goal. With that, if you are out of your home country with little resources, look into getting back home, contact family, friends, even shelters. Do not put your pride or dignity over your own safety. You will always be more indispensable than appearances, and you are not selfish for wanting safety or happiness.

B) I don’t want to leave them.
Alright, this is your choice, but do consider what has been said prior. If you believe you can work it out and communicate with your partner, I will have the utmost confidence in you. But remember to be safe. When considering relationships, bother of parties feelings and safety matter, but not at the expense of one another. The only advice I can give you for this is trying couples therapy, or private therapy for the both of you. You don’t need anything “wrong” with you to go to therapy, and licence professionals are far more likely to provide proper, advice, care, guidance, and support than anonymous internet strangers.

Regardless of your choices, remember to do your best to be safe, happy, healthy, informed, and know that someone you don’t even know cares about you a lot.

YourSurname 3 months ago
So many Posters miss the point!!! Regardless if a person on the autistic spectrum has a brain that is not “wired” no matter how hard they try to get certain social cues, body languages, and tonal indicators they cannot, no matter that it is not their “fault”, no matter that many here seem to think that people on the autistic spectrum actually have “more” empathy than us (which is totally untrue and unfounded by the way but why let facts get in the way). None of it matters because at the end of the day regardless for the reasons of the behaviours (misdiagnosed or not) the effects on the people around them is devastating. So what if the person who has ASD can’t help it or doesn’t understand or can’t show emotions, so what? Their parents, partners, children etc are STILL in the same position - miserable. There are even statistics that show married couples who have an autistic child are more likely to divorce. Being around an autistic person is extremely hard work and if you can’t get away because you are their parents, sibling, etc then it’s so bad that these people and what they describe is often neglect/abuse from the autistic person. Also even when posters say about autistic people “more” likely to be abused or suicidal. That doesn’t surprise me almost all of the people with autism I have come across cannot see another persons viewpoint as a result they almost ALWAYS never say “sorry” because they tend to believe it is ALWAYS someone else’s “fault”. They are ALWAYS the “victim” as they cannot understand the effects of their behaviour on others. So if you disagree with a person who has ASD then they often see it as an “attack”, if you get upset and show emotion they often see it as you “abusing” them. So it’s no wonder to mean that they are more likely to be abused because they truly believe even having a difference of opinion to them is you “attacking” them. You can see from many of the posters that they describe their experience with a person who has ASD and then the replies they get from some people who are “obviously”on the spectrum are way over the top aggressive, lacking any empathy, have no understanding if the poster has used humour to make a point and with no ability to take any responsibility. Instead just a load of debating, denial, using only one sided views (their view) and only understanding their own experience. You will NEVER “win” a disagreement with person who has ASD as their goal in conversation isn’t to learn about you or to “grow” or to find any resolution, instead their goal any time they communicate is to “win”. That’s why there is little point communicating your needs, wants, opinions to person with ASD as they will just turn it into a debate of sorts. As they have no want for resolution, no understanding of “you”. It isn’t their fault but the outcome is the same - miserable life living with them. LEAVE.
Even their higher suicide rate, again no surprise to me as so many people who have ASD appear supremely selfish, inward looking, only focused upon themselves, so to me their higher self-harm/attempting suicide is just yet another example of their selfish behaviour. They care nothing of how their self harm/suicide attempts effect their partners, children, extended family etc Makes complete sense to me as people with ASD are all too often consumed by themselves and lack any insight into others.
Lowri 1 month ago
The report reveals that a congregation of A S monsters has taken over our government..ALL of congress; ALL of the Senate; Most Department Directors; the ENTIRE SCOTUS; the Chiefs of Staff; the Last and the Current PRESIDENTs....what can we do?
Ich Bin Nicht Krank 1 month ago
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