I hate the way I interact with the world so much. Every single moment, every interaction, is graded into two categories: 'pass' and 'fail'. If I "pass" - behave like a normal fucking human being with some semblance of empathy/wit/conversation skills/interest in peoples' lives - then I breathe a sigh of relief and promptly forget the moment. But if I "fail" - make people uncomfortable, or forget to ask follow up questions, or shoot a joke with a bad punchline, or anything that makes the conversation awkward or embarrasses me or paints me in a negative light - then the memory fixes itself into a drawer in my mind and never leaves. It's why I can't remember what I ate for breakfast, but I can still remember every haunting conversation from years ago. It's why I don't think about the past, else I get hit with nothing but secondhand embarrassment. It's why I'm not a sentimental person. But I hate the way it leaves me always on edge, flinching at random moments when something old drags itself out, always policing my words and hiding from conversations for fear of "failing" again... which in itself is another failure. God, I hate the way I interact with the world so much.
anonymousRelationships August 09, 2020 at 9:51 am10