fucking christ, the world is literally going to shit. We're in late-stage capitalism, there are actual concentration camps in America, women can get arrested for getting abortions in some states. Fucking hell. How am I supposed to make something of myself when everything around me is falling apart. And it's quiet too. I never thought a slow climb to a dictatorship or revolution would be so quiet. It's so quiet that if you have the right skin color and class if you have a comfy job if you turn your head just the right way you can even ignore it.
It's so quiet that if you close your eyes and hear "its not really that, you're over-exaggerating" enough times you understand why they say it.
I'm gay but my mom's fine with it, so much so that I forget how my highschool friend got jumped and killed, his dad having hired them to make sure he didn't come home. My dad pulled some strings to get me the job I have, so I was confused when my boyfriend had to move in with me because his three jobs weren't cutting the rent. I'm white, so if I don't think hard about it I could catch myself saying "Maybe those Latinx people deserve to have their children taken away".
And at the same time that children are dying, for their skin color or their gender or their sexuality or just because it's cheaper to die than to be another mouth for your mom to feed, I'm expected to grow up and be a human being. I'm supposed to make something of myself on the surface of a bomb that's about to explode and I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that how DARE I even think about a house and a family when there are people who are dying in the same world where I can passively think about the future.
I wonder to myself if my husband would look cute in a nice minivan with babies in the back seat and then I blink back into the real world where I had to help hide my sister's pregnancy and drive her out of state to get an abortion after she was raped. How because of that shit abortion she can't have the babies that I know she'd love when she gets out of high school.
How can I live comfortably in a world that's falling apart, while constantly reminded that my success and happiness is fully dependant on the backs of others? My future will be a bright green lawn on top of piles and piles of people that would never have gotten what I had even if they'd lived past 12.
anonymousOther August 12, 2019 at 6:28 pm21