I’m taking anti-depressants, so I get if she’s tired a lot and if she struggles to sleep or get herself out of bed. Medication side effects also suck. BUT.

A) That doesn’t give her a right or entitlement to do nothing. She can’t go to work and go sorry can’t work I’m depressed. Either take care of it or get fired/take a sabbatical. Same thing with relationships. Relationships come with duties just like a job. You and her each have a duty for mutual respect and trust, and equal contribution to the relationship. You never signed up to babysit your partner’s ass. You’re not her parent and you’re not her sugar daddy, you’re her partner. Baby or not, you have every right to break up with her because she is not doing enough and she’s not making enough effort to do her part, to do right by you. No matter what has been said or done in the past, you need her to be that partner and the reality is right now she’s not.

B) it’s too late to say I don’t want to be a mother. she chose to keep and have the baby. She either does her fucking job as the mother or loses her relationship with you and potentially her parental rights if she wants to keep neglecting the baby. Depression is not an excuse to have a child and then not take care of it. And to make your partner do everything. I’m depressed too but I would never ever let my depression get in the way of taking care of a dog or a baby. If I can’t live for myself, then I will live for them. I took care of 2 dogs by myself last summer, I was paid for it but it was exhausting even then. I have my personal struggles and financial/career problems. But everyday I still managed to feed the dogs, take them out separately for at least 30minutes to an hour for each one, and wholeheartedly love them. I was super super tired, it was truly overwhelming, but not taking care of the dogs was not an option. I committed to taking care of them, so I did. Tired or not. Everyday, I did my best to make sure that the dogs were happy and I did right by them. So the question is can she do that?? She committed when she became your partner, she committed when she had a baby. Now will she follow through??

I get if she’s overwhelmed and struggling to work her way up to an equal contribution but it sounds like she’s not trying and even if she is, the reality is she’s just not doing good enough.

You know that this is not sustainable. You can’t keep going like this. So you have to decide whether you want to try to work it out or if she is beyond change and you need to separate.

If you decide to work it out, the question is does she want to follow through AND will she?? How are you going to communicate this to her?? More like a talk, intervention, or an ultimatum?? You need to negotiate actionable goals with her that she can follow through on, for example doing the laundry once or twice a month. And maybe a tracking/accountability system for both of you. It sounds like she’s shutdown right now. How do we get her out of that shutdown mode?? You’re already doing a lot, you probably can’t help her out of it. Your hands are literally too full. Do you have mutual friends or family you can confide in?? Friends and/or family who would be willing to help?? She either needs to pull herself out of that shutdown state or have someone help pull her out of it. And once she’s out of it, she needs a solid support system to ensure that she doesn’t fall back into that state again.. or at the very least so that she can recover again. Have you looked into state welfare programs or community/issue-based organizations for women and families??

If you feel you need to separate, I would speak with family, friends, and maybe even coworkers you trust to respect you and not jump the gun. You would have to decide whether you want to live together or for her to leave. Address custody issues for the baby and potentially the dog. navigate separating your and her property.

all of this is a lot. You need more support. LAnd if she can’t/won’t support, then you need to look for support elsewhere. You need to look to reliable friends and family. And if you genuinely have no friends/family you feel comfortable relying on, or they are unable or unwilling to help for whatever reason, then you must look for state programs or community organizations that can help you.

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anonymous 1 year ago