Social anxiety

Someone who grew up with severe anxiety and now struggles with daily life because of their experience at high school.
(female age 21)

I used to be terrified of going to high school. I would literally be shaking sometimes. I never got bullied by the students, non of the students talked to me actually, I'd have days where I wouldn't open my mouth or say a word.
I used to experience panic attacks daily and I didn't know because I had no idea what anxiety was. I only knew what I felt and just knew it was horrible.
My problem at school happened to be the teachers. Because of my condition I was often late or never did my home work and I would never speak up in class. This was a disaster, teachers would often pick on me and humiliate me in front of my class. I was often punished by teachers, I received a detention every day which equals spending an extra hour after school as punishment. School already drained the life out of me.

I remember struggling to speak to anyone I would clam up being unable to move my mouth at all.
I really dreaded class presentations and of course I would be forced into doing it. I would stand up in front of the whole class my hands and legs shaking, my voice shaky and I would be on the verge of tears. I was so scared and anxious. The teachers wouldn't say a word to me, not even after class. And after every presentation I did, I was only getting worse. The teachers didn't know how to deal with it, some might had even thought forcing to to do it would help. But no, it really stressed me out, i remember being so stressed for a whole month knowing we would have one. It would disturb my sleep and i was unable to eat.

This one situation where we had to work in groups. I had no friends so i was last to join a group. In front of the whole class she said to me "choose a group to go in". Everyone had grouped with their friends and nobody wanted me in their group. One girl even said " shes too quiet I dont like her" so I stood for the rest of the class alone and feeling anxious. The teacher then got mad at me after class for not doing anything.

I used to run away from school often, I would run out the school and run home. One teacher caught me doing this once and he deliberately pulled the fire alarm so that the whole school would know I was missing. They then rang my mom and i was forced to go back to school and sit in isolation as punishment.
I know what i did was wrong but they didn't ask me why I was doing it. I clearly looked sick. I was very depressed, i wouldn't eat. Even students noticed I lost a lot of weight.

I also had issues at home and not a supportive family at the time. That's another story. (In my home life at the time, I was having to sleep on sofas because I didn't have a bedroom or anywhere to stay so i wouldn't get much sleep, i also never talked much at home either).

Another situation in my English class, we had to have a group discussion and our group would preform in front of the class. I remember our teacher making my groups re do ours multiple times because I didn't say anything she picked on me. I really tried my hardest to say something but every time i couldn't open my mouth. As a result the students in my group were getting frustrated at me which made it worse.
I just remember feeling so vulnerable.
The teacher didnt seem to want to help me, i really think she didnt understand what I was going through. She probably thought I was just being naughty refusing to do that task she had set.

I just went through so much. Thinking about it now I wonder why didn't anyone help me. Maybe because I felt angry at the world. I wish I understood better what was happening to me so that I could of dealt with it better. As its damaged me a bit now. I still have problems talking to people in adult hood, I struggle keeping a job and feel like I don't connect to people when talking to new people.
I never think about school now but I think it had given me many problems or mental barriers which I'm still trying to over come today.

I really hope schools have improved now, any children that have signs of symptoms of depression and anxiety get the help and support they need. I wish i had knew back then what happened to me then i could have solved the problem and maybe it wouldn't have carried onto adult hood which its much hard to over come now as I've been suffering for over 6 years with anxiety and depression. I'm almost there, not as good as I want to be though but I've improved a big amount.

If you have been through a similar situation or you struggle with anxiety it does get better. Through the help of someone close, a therapist or even helping yourself which I have done and still do now. I'm always trying to get better and better every day. Talking to people is the most important thing for me to do now and it only gets easier.

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Cat School March 26, 2019 at 7:31 am 0 0