My head

I dated a guy for about two months.
Everyone is telling me he was emotionally abusive, they're wrong.
But what they don't get is that it was my fault. I pushed him to far.
I shouldn't have tried to tell him he needed to stop cussing his mom out, to stop hurting her, to stop pushing her around.
I shouldn't have tried to tell him that I didn't want to move in with him.
I shouldn't have tried to tell him that I wasn't seeing a future for us.
I should have kept lying about how I felt... I should have told him I was fine, that we were fine.
I should have let him do what he wanted and kept my mouth shut.
I should have held out and tried harder to make things right.

It was all my fault, and I can't voice it because everyone thinks that it was his fault.
I saw him at the fair and had a panic attack, everyone talks in soft voices around me now because they're afraid I'll break. It makes me sick.
We live in a small city, and I see him around some. He fliped me off, he vandalized my car twice, but it's my fault.
As much as I used to try to hate him because everyone says I should, I can't.
I'm a hypocrite as I've been told.
If someoen I knew dated someone who forced them to do things, and manipulated them in ways I shudder to think about, I would kick the guys ass and tell him to stop fucking with the persons head. Yet, when they turn it around and apply it to my ex I can't feel the same way.
Do you see my problem?
The hatred people want to see is shown, but it is derected at msyelf instead of the one they want me to hate.
If I were to take that route, I would have to hate my father for sexually abusing me as a child.
I can't think anymore.
Everything is grey, and my older brother hasn't looked at me the same since things were broke off with my ex(more like my mom broke us up because I tried to kill myself).
Rant over, sorry for grammer and other issues, I'm tired.

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anonymous Dating September 22, 2019 at 9:50 pm 1 0