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i hate who i am now

i hate who i am now

hi. please help me. i vape. smoke weed. i take mdma. i take ketamine. i’ve taken drugs laced with cocaine before. i drink and do drugs together. there is something wrong with me. i go to the beach with the people that i call my friends (i do love them but none of us are good for each other) and i get smashed off my fucking head every friday and saturday night and sometimes sunday mornings. everything i do makes me realise how much i’ve fucked up my life but i can’t stop and i don’t know if i care enough to. i sit in my room on the floor at 4 pm after i get home from school and i cry and vape and complain and i want to kill myself. is that selfish? i think so. i’m a middle child (not really an excuse but i blame this for my attention seeking, forcibly ‘independent’ (lonely) behaviour) and my parents don’t give a shit about me. i live with my mum, she’s best friends with my older sister and babies my two younger twin sisters. i crave attention. i do drugs. i drink too much. i don’t care. i want to commit suicide. i’ve tried and i’ll try again until it works. i love drugs. just wanted to get that out. thanks. bye.
anonymous Other September 12, 2019 at 12:32 pm 0
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Well, you start off by saying "please help me." You're probably like most suicidal people in that you don't particularly want to die, you just want the pain to stop. I was unloved, abused, and neglected as a young person too, and it hurts in a way most people just do not understand. I wish your situation were different.

So what can be done to make your life different. I'm sure you know about trying to see a school counselor and that sort of thing, so I won't patronize you talking about the obvious. You're a smart kid, you don't need that. Likewise, there is a suicide hotline that is even listed on this site, so if you really get into a bad place again and need emergency help I hope you'll use it. You do not deserve to die in misery just because your family is too stupid to pay attention to you.

You say you are spending time with friends whom you care about but who aren't good for you...this is coming from a person in her forties who has struggled with depression on and off all her life, so it might possibly be useful... Sometimes a change of scenery in terms of your activities and social group makes a really big difference in life. I don't know what your interests are or what's available where you live, but if I had to guess I'd say there are probably clubs or sports or extracurricular things you could do to help break the cycle. You can find something to do that interests you and exposes you to new, healthier people who can be a better influence on you. Even as an adult I have to make those choices. There are some places where I know the people just drag me down, create drama, and make my depression worse, and other places where I consistently meet people with good hearts, good ideas, and good habits. The hilarious thing is the latter isn't necessarily some kind of goody-two-shoes church group or something...the best example I can think of is actually a bar where most people know when to quit drinking for the day and it's mostly about stand-up comedy, live music, and pub games. Obviously you're way too young to go to a bar at this point, but I'm just saying that if you think you can judge a book by its cover in terms of places to meet good people, you really can't. You just have to keep your eyes open and be willing to weed and seed possibilities until you find good places to be that really help you change your life for the better.

Hang in there, okay? You don't deserve to be neglected and you don't deserve to die before you have a chance to live.
anonymous 6 months ago
thank you. it means a lot that you took the time to write that.
i do lots of extracurricular activities and i have a job and im a good student but i don’t find enjoyment in anything at all anymore. i used to love sports and clubs and i still attend all my clubs, it just feels like chores.
i know you said it would be a good idea for a ‘change of scenery’ with my friends but i honestly think most of them are feeling the same. my friends are the things that i love above anything else in the world, and we all got into this mess together where we drink and do drugs and smoke and vape and it’s so much fun, even though we all know how easy it is for these things to kill you. i’m so nearly overdosing on drugs every weekend and i couldn’t care less because i love my friends and i love spending time with them, and yes i know we could hang out sober but we’re so honest and open when we’re high. it sounds terrible i know, and i’m not looking for a solution - only for somewhere to dump my thoughts that isn’t my social worker (don’t wanna get arrested). i just feel like drugs are taking over everything i do, and i’m scared because i love it. i don’t want to die, but the fun tht i have and the love that i feel when i’m high are incomparable to anything. my friends always look after me and i look after them, we’re a really really close knit group of friends and i wouldn’t trade them for anything, i just felt the need to vent. teachers are beginning to notice that i’m having emotional / emotionless mood swings and i’m getting so many questions about home. im gonna sort it out.
anonymous 6 months ago
Hey first of all, friends DONT LAST!! maybe if your lucky you’ll be talking to one in ten years other than that, these are just people you know during this phase of your life. You love them, your close knit, bullshit!! Your all in the beginning stages of drug addiction and there’s no such thing as friends when addiction has you. You better get your shit together or life is gonna kick the shit out you. Pull your fucking head out of your ass!! And grow the fuck up! Quit blaming mommy, and quit using drugs to solve your problems, god you fucking kids are weak. Actually please kill yourself, do humanity a favor please!! Cause you sound like a loser. Fucking crybaby
anonymous 6 months ago
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