i hate my family lt 3

i personally hate everything like i don't even know where to start, i fr googled free therapy in hopes that it would help but i dunno. i don't think i ever want to become anything like my parents, i have it better than most but their views and opinions are wrong in so many ways. they're blatantly racist, like half of the issue i'm discussing rn has to do with that, they're way too overprotective, and they make me feel like trash. so i'm going to be giving some background info, i basically stayed up arguing with someone last night (which was dumb on my part, like i should have just fell asleep) so i was fairly tired throughout the day, especially in the morning. my mom woke me up and asked me to take care of my brother (he has autism and was crying at the time) but i was half asleep so i didn't wake up til later. when i did wake up everyone was quiet so i simply assumed that everyone went to sleep, i went downstairs and my brother came crying down like 5 mins later, i didn't think anything of it because i thought that my mom had it handled and that she was upstairs putting him to sleep, not trying to go to sleep herself. but she ended up going off on me because i wasn't taking care of him and she had a headache n it's allll because of my phone. so she took it right then and there and now i can only be on it for 3 hours a day. honestly i was mad at first but i just moved on with my day, watched a couple movies (they didn't take my laptop because somehow it's different. like they're both technology), cleaned the living room n my bedroom, like everything was going fine. at like 7 or 8 i wanted to go outside because everyone starts coming out at that time (i live in apartments) and it gets cooler. so i was outside with like 4 little kids and 2 people that were near my age but still younger than me that both happened to be male. i was close with them since we basically go outside and hangout everyday and my parents were fine with it before but all of a sudden today they wanted to switch up. not surprised tho because when i do one thing wrong during the day, they add up all the things that have been secretly bothering them and just go off on me, for example, say i forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer n they got bothered, they're gonna compile that plus some other minor stuff until i do something worse then just attack me all at once. but anyways, the 4 little kids had to go home at one point so it was just me and the 2 other guys, one of them is nepali and the other one is african (i know it doesn't matter but it's pertinent to what happens later). also side note, we live in really diverse apartments like some people are white, some are black, some are middle eastern including my family. i personally love everyone that lives here, they've seen me at my worst, at my best, like they probably know me as much as my family, probably even more lmao. so we were talking n stuff and it was the usual, they was talking to me about tiktok and anime, pretty normal like it was harmless conversation. and then my mom came up out of nowhere and yelled at me to come with her n the rest of my family in the car, so i said bye and ran over. i literally got greeted by her yelling saying that i was dating one of them. mind you, i'm 16 and the two other kids were both 13. i don't understand. and the whole car ride they went off on me, like my dad pitched in and everything. they didn't like the kid who was nepali the most just because they didn't like nepalis in general, they were okay with the other kid but they still didn't want me to associate with him because he's black. like shut the fuck up, when my parents say shit like that i genuinely feel ashamed to call them my parents. i might be acting overdramatic to some people but they are basically forcing me into thinking the way they think or they won't associate with me in the future. if i happened to marry someone other than a rich white or middle eastern man i'd be shunned. my mom has fr told me that if i marry a black guy she won't consider herself my mother. bottom line, what they believe is wrong and i'm not changing what i believe to fit their standards. they have such medieval thinking i swear. they don't like lgbt people either, they say they're mental patients, they support trump. i'm sure he stands against muslim people, which we are, so i don't understand why they would support him when he's against us. it's like that one article i read about this one hispanic lady who went to a trump rally and gave a speech supporting him then got deported soon after. anyways, the whole car ride consisted of my brother being on the verge of a breakdown, my mom going off on me over not helping her, being on my phone, and talking to people who are "lower than us", and also my dad pitching in rude remarks as well. like stfu, mf doesn't do shit except sleep, complain, and go to the gym. he's rarely at home, and i love my dad but wtf, he's such a self serving person, he only does shit for himself the majority of the time. he was literally at the gym when my mom was having her alleged headache. help ur wife mf. anywho, we got home and i had just finished crying in the car so i wanted to head up as soon as possible before anyone saw because i'm not allowed to cry either. so i cried in my room while cleaning it for the second time. this isn't too important but it kinda is, so mid cleaning i got a text from the nepali guy and he said he liked me, which is shitty timing, like literally terrible timing but i think he's nice. doesn't change my opinion on him really, i just think its a lil odd because of the age gap. also i forgot to mention that i did end up getting my phone back but that was during the time i was outside with everyone else so i didn't go on it. and even when i got home i didn't go on it as much. i just wrote in a journal or sum. lmao i'm just realizing how unhealthy all of this is. i have to write in a journal and complain on a mf rant website all because i've been taught to suppress my feelings. i can't cry in front of my parents, i can't talk to my parents about anything, i can't even say anything back when they're yelling at me, i just have to take it then go upstairs. i can't even talk to my friends, all my friends are on different levels with me, i'm closer to some more than others. i can't call, i can't hangout, i can't even go to/bring anyone to my house. i used to be able to bring one friend over but they don't even allow her to come over anymore because she doesn't have the same beliefs as my dad. they don't let anyone else come over because they aren't white or middle eastern. i talked to them about this a bit ago and they told me verbatim, "it's your fault for not making better friends". and i asked them why it's such a big deal like they're my friends not theirs, and they simply said, "we just don't like them". tbh i could go deeper into this and i prolly said sum stuff thats incorrect or offensive but that truly isn't my intention. i'm really running on 3 hrs of sleep and i just finished an hour long cry sesh n i really wanna watch arthur for sum reason so gn ily :)

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bad bitty Home August 06, 2020 at 3:28 am 1 0