I feel alone and out of control of my life

Firstly, I am HEAD OVER HEELS for this girl and I don’t know how to deal with it. We’ve been friends for years, and I used to like her and then I got over it cause I was certain she was straight. I had out the whole ordeal behind me, and I decided to come out to her. I did, and SHES ALSO BI. So all my feelings came flooding back because I’m convinced there’s a chance for us. Neither of us have ever dated before, and were a lot alike. I just think we’d be pretty great together, but I’m terrified to ask her what she would think of us being a thing. She knows I used to like her, and she took it incredibly well, so I think it’d be fine to just ask her. But also, we are good friends, but sometimes I don’t hunk we have connected at quite a deep inseparable level many times if ever. I don’t know how to describe it, but I just don’t feel like we have that absolute comfort and connection with each other. I’m also afraid that we might have a go at it and it ends up not working out and we loose our friendship. Neither of us are out of the closet, nor do we plan to come out any time soon. I just have such intense feelings for her, and I’ve had unsuccessful crushes time and time again, and I don’t want to get my heart broken another time. I just can’t even put it into words how badly I want her. She’s all I ever think of. I also have social anxiety, which means having a crush even crazier, cause I spend the whole time thinking I’m annoying and clingy and the other person hates me but won’t say it. I just am ready for a win when it comes to relationships and I WANT TO DATE MY FRIEND SO BAD. I talk to my best friend about it, but I don’t want to overwhelm her or drive her crazy and I just feel alone. I’ve only recently began identifying as bisexual, and i feel alone about that too. My straight best friend knows, and my friend who is ones again my crush who is also bi knows. It’s just terrible to not have anyone to talk to that understands and can relate. My best friend is amazing and i love her, but i don’t want to drive her crazy about it, and she just didn’t really get it since she’s straight. To add to that absolute mess of feelings, my parents are getting divorced. I’m 17, and they’ve been together my whole life. My mom is so much happier without my dad (they were separated for 6 months a few years ago). It feels unreal to me to know in several months my family won’t all live under one roof. My life is falling apart. My mental health is deteriorating, and I don’t know what to do. I had terribly social anxiety my freshman year, and I had gotten it under control, but it’s coming back. I’m terrified that I’m annoying my best friend, and I feel like my crush is being distant and I’m afraid she doesn’t want to be friends even thiugh that’s utterly ridiculous cause we’ve been friends for years and I’m only having a sudden freak out cause I’m liking her again and I hyper focus on everything that happens. I don’t know who to talk to. I keep a lot in my journal, but sometimes that’s not cutting it. I just feel utterly lost right now.

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Aria Other November 18, 2019 at 11:35 pm 0 1