Goodbye

I hate myself. I have so much built in hatred. im only 15 years old. i have so much life to live. i cant go on though, its too hard. ive been diagnosed so please dont say im lying. my birthday is soon too. I’m not happy at all anymore. i have no motivation to do anything. I cant get out of bed, do my school work, even do the things i used to love. I loved writing and playing video games and i just cant do it anymore. i cant do anything. im trying and i have been. ive been dealing with all this pain since i was born. i know that sounds super cliche but its true. i was born into an abusive house hold. my dad and my mom would scream everyday, we were poor so i wouldnt eat somedays and if we did eat that day i only had one meal because we needed to feed everyone. i only had one friend and he died when i turned 7. i miss him still. my dad almost killed my mom infront of me with a kitchen knife. when my mom and i ran away without my brother (he was 13 and he decided to stay with my dad) we had to live in a homeless shelter when i was 8 to 9. we were kicked out because more people needed to stay there but they found my mom and job but for a night or two we stayed on the streets until my mom called my grandma (just so you know my moms an immigrant from mexico.) my mom was in and out of abusive relationships where they would abuse me too. my brother got kicked out of my dads house at 15 so he moved in with us. a specific one of my moms exes stole everything from us and left us. the cops did nothing. they believed him over my mom. We moved to a new city because he began to stalk us. when i got a phone my dad would beg for us to come over. i thought he changed so i did and he didnt. he was worse he would show us his guns and point them at us. when i came out as bi he told me that we should watch a porno so we could really see what i wanted. he made me shower with him at 13. my dads mom is worse too. she threatened to kiss us if we left her house on a vist to her house. the cops were called and we had to lie because she had shown us her guns. i have all this trauma and its so hard to deal with it. it never gets better. it never will. it feels like im suffocating. i find nothing exciting anymore. i dont feel real. im not really living im just waiting and going through each day but i get flashbacks all the time and its so hard. im still in an abusive household. im being manipulated and emotionally abused. im stuck in a cycle. im sorry

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alice Other January 24, 2021 at 6:30 pm 0 0