For worse poor sicker amp sicker til he decides

I know we should have cut off all contact after he broke up with me. But both of us are hurting. He still says he loves me. He's not coping well, even though he broke up with me.
He'd bought me a wedding ring.
It was so pretty, and he was going to propose. The ring only came in the mail a day or so ago..... we broke up on the 20th (two days before the 7 month mark).
He returned it to wherever he got it from to get his money back.
Back in his small town everyone called us husband and wife for months anyway. We'd already discussed marriage. We were building up to it. It still feels like a huge loss to me, and I'm still floored and disoriented from it.

Well, I spent all night tonight consoling him over his drunken text messages. That he's lonely and lost and frustrated. I had gone out for the night to do things for me, but of course this had to be the night he needed me.

I'm still just 25. But the fact that somebody was going to get on one knee and propose to me still has me in tears wondering how I messed this up. It's the first time, you know? I have no guarantee it'll ever happen again, or even... happen at all. But I also... wanted it to be him, regardless of any future people I might meet.
Rationally I know it wouldn't be a good match.
Rationally I know I shouldn't talk to him after he broke my heart.

But I can't turn off 7 months of loving him, caring about if he gets home safe at night, if he eats, if he sleeps well. I can't turn off 5 months of being woken up to a kiss as he went to work, 5 months of planning every dinner together, buying groceries together, him bringing me dinner at work, visiting me on his lunch break, us picking a movie for the night, sleeping next to each other and fitting so well, sharing laundry and dishes, laughing and dotting each other with bingo dobbers in public. Him always finding me when I was lost. Having dinners with his family.

I should feel angry, or personally hurt that I can go miles for him (literally moved two states but here I mean metaphorically), put aside my hurt to keep contact with him to help him get home safe after his truck broke down just tonight, consoling him when he gets home and hates himself and is lost and lonely, making sure he eats a little and goes to sleep, and he... he doesn't put himself out there for me.
Didn't in the relationship, not as a friend, and not as an ex.

He was an attentive boyfriend. Loving, patient, kind. Responsible even. But I moved my entire life to be with him after like, two months. Changed from suburb / city life to a 1sq mile tourist town where everything shuts down during off season, and travel else-wise is shut down by snow and wind. It's also a conservative place, and I'm... not. It was complete culture shock.
And I tried every day to assimilate with the town and collaborate with him. For 5 months after moving in together. But it wasn't enough.

But the other part of me, the daydreamer, the faultily logistic one, knows that he's a great mechanic. Wanted him to meet me half-way, in a more populated town, still near his beloved snowmobile town, where his mechanic skills would be appreciated (he fixes everyone's everything in that town. For free. Constantly. And he's the best snowmobile mechanic in that town, but not paid like it). Somewhere we could both get out and not be so isolated. Somewhere I could get medical care (we discussed children). But I.... I'm getting off topic.

Am I wrong? To still care about him? Is it completely out of place for me to wish I had a picture of the ring? To wish I had a memory of him giving it to me, instead of that never happening? I promised him I'd love him forever. The problem is, I always mean it when I say that to others. There are so many people I'm not in contact with anymore, or they straight up hate me, and I still love them. I have so much visceral love for so many who are gone. Whether by choice or death. And that love never goes away no matter how I choose to handle it (whether by amicably splitting with some because that's what they want, or equally drifting apart....). So I know I'm not being dramatic when I say, I will always love him.
But trying to let that love detach a bit for his sake, is so hard when he still says he loves me. And when he calls on me when he's walking home through the freezing cold, lonely and full of self hate.
Am I wrong for holding on?

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Jules Relationships January 29, 2020 at 10:13 am 0 0