Failure

I'm a fucking failure. All I need was to complete a list of exam to get a certain designation for my career. I'm stuck here. These exams are so goddamn hard.
When I failed at first, I didn't give it too much thoughts, I knew there were room for improvement. So I picked myself back up after a few days, and kept going.
However, it has been a good few years that I'm trying, I really gave it my all. Why are all of them passing but I'm not? I did everything in my possession to pass. I gave up my social life, I gave up my hobbies to have a better shot. I gave up EVERYTHING!
I don't know what else I could have done. No matter how prepared I felt, I don't feel like I can perform well during those exams, there's just so many random things they can ask.
I never wanted others to see me struggle... I'm a goddamn adult now but I'm tearing up, I just can't do this anymore.
I used to think that as I kept going, it will be fine, if not this time around, I'll get it next time. But in reality, when should I give up??? Am I insane to think that I can still pass those exams? Do I even have the rights? The bar of entry is too high, only about 1/3 of the exam takers are allowed to pass.
I'd admit I'm not the smartest, but I work really hard, and I used to believe that I as I keep going with persistence, I would make it. I just wanted my old folks to be proud of me, to be acknowledge...
I'm probably a failure in front of everyone's eyes...
I lost so many friends isolating myself in this journey, I'm having these dark dark thoughts I can't get rid off and it's honestly scaring me.
To know that I lost everything in the process for what? In the end, I also ended up losing the only thing I was fighting for.
I fucking hate this, I hate this society, I hate this culture, I hate these exams, I hate everyone, I fucking hate myself and I hate this fake smile.
To pretend I'm okay, to tell everyone that I'm feeling fine and to keep my fucking fake smile... I don't want this anymore. I'm fucking miserable. I honestly just want to go back home, back to my mom's arm, have her tell me that it's gonna be okay... Back before all of this started. I regret taking on this career. My fucking head hurts.
I don't want these fake opportunities anymore. Hard work doesn't always pay off, I know this but, I though at least I could be a little bit closer to my goal? fuuuuuck!!!!

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Failure Work December 13, 2019 at 9:07 pm 3 0