Exhausting random bullshit

Okay, so here's the deal: I'm worn to a fucking nub. It's not because I tried to climb Mount Fuji or get a doctorate or some shit. It's precisely because I released myself from the obligation I formerly felt to accomplish anything spectacular and I'm still suffering from chronic, non-stop frustration.

I actively told myself that I was not required to do anything beyond the absolute basics of daily living anymore, as there is no fucking support for anything else, and most of the purposes for which I used to knock myself out don't apply anymore. Basically I've got to go to work, practice good hygiene, eat with some vague sense of moderation, get off my ass and exercise for an hour a day, get the bills paid, keep the apartment in passable order, feed the cat, talk to somebody other than her once a day, and go to therapy once a week since, although I'm intelligent, I'm also slightly nuts. Still, somehow, the basics are so fucking fraught at every conceivable turn that a to-do list five items long doesn't get checked off even if I've got all day to do it.

So first off the weather has been a cold, windy, wet mess for days, which wouldn't have been such a big deal if the wind didn't keep me up all night and if the power hadn't gone out. I live in the sticks so if the power goes out, the well pump doesn't work. I can drink bottled water but showering in it doesn't work that well, so before long I was a stinking, stupid zombie because no sleep and no shower.

Then one of the few people I can stand talking to on a bad day lost her damn mind and treated me like shit for no reason she could articulate. I wasn't even talking about my shit, I literally called and asked how she was. All I said about my shit was that I hadn't slept much and the power had been out for a bit. I didn't even want to talk about my shit really; I was fully ready to listen to her talk about whatever. But before long she got on her political stuff; I have no opinion on most of her politics one way or another because they're not issues I know much about, but she got pissed off because I wasn't emphatically agreeing with her and before long the abuse got started. It's one of those things where you have to ask yourself if the relationship can even withstand the strain or if it should.

I'm reeling from that and I try to go back to taking care of myself. Shit is falling on the floor while I'm trying to cook a basic meal. The cat goes nuts and nearly knocks me over. I'll be fucked if I can find the pen I was just writing with 30 seconds ago, and I need to find it so I can write a note to self about something I just remembered before I get distracted and forget again. I was just at the store yesterday but for some reason I hadn't realized how quickly I was using up the milk so I guess I can put that on the list for tomorrow. I'm tripping over power cords. My internet connection keeps shorting out just long enough to really throw me off.

Then someone else goes nuts the next time I reach out to socialize. More political crap. He can't shut up and can't deal with the fact that this, again, isn't something I'm passionate about. It's his pet issue, not mine, and I'll gladly listen but I don't feel the same way. Now he's pissed off and abusing me too.

The weather has gone from awful to bad to worse again and they're talking about a fire danger now. How a fire of significant concern would even start in the snow I have no idea but people not too far from my place are preparing to evacuate just in case.

No one acknowledges my existence all day and suddenly I literally have a text, a call, and a DM, all about important and fairly urgent shit that needs to happen, all within literally seconds of each other, from three different fucking people. None of them know each other as far as I know so I don't think it was planned, but fuck...

I'm losing my mind.

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anonymous Other January 25, 2021 at 12:35 am 0 0