e

i want to die so bad
my mom yells every day at my brother and i, my brother is going off to college next september so i'll be alone with my parents. my grades went really, really low this past year, ever since quarantine, and so my relationship with my mom is terrible. she would absolutely go crazy every time she heard something bad about my grades. she doesn't trust me at all and talking with her is like a landmine. not to mention our language barrier because she can't speak great english and my chinese is intermediate at best. literally, with this stress of school— it feels like i'm never going to dig myself up from this pit because i don't know how. people say it's so easy like "everything's going to get better if you try" but where tf do i start? i don't get chemistry, i'm so behind on apush, even my math grade is suffering. how am i supposed to cope? i can't shut myself in all day in my bedroom doing homework because my mom will get mad that i even need to make up homework and yell at me again. she's unreasonable and has anger issues. the only moments of peace we get ends with her getting ticked off by something. once my mom is mad, the whole family can't be happy. she always acts as if my brother and i are working against her with my dad.
because of her dominating personality i've ended up as the useless introvert i am. i can barely make eye contact with her, i instantly shut up whenever she yells at me, and i can't defend myself or my brother.

the only reason holding me back from doing something stupid like overdosing is the fact that one day i'll maybe be free from this shithole and start anew, and the fact that i don't want to scar my family like this. i still care about my brother and my dad, AND my mom.

no one knows about my family like this. from the outside my friends think my mom is just overprotective, but theres so much more than that.

years of being shamed, blamed for things i haven't done, verbally abused, intimidated, and i'm done with it. i'm fucking tired of whatever my life has going on. my dad works almost over 12 hours a day at the hospital, my mom rightfully resigned from her job but takes her stress out on my brother and i, and my brother is leaving for college next year. i'm 15 and my life is going to shit. if i don't get my grade up to a C in chemistry i'll be forced to take it again next year, but junior year is the most important year for college so i can't let myself fail. i have 22 days, but it's so overwhelming. i CAN'T do this. i can't stay focused, my head hurts all the time, i zone out, and i'm doing in-person in school soon despite being a remote student for the past year, i have no one to talk to thus why i'm ranting here. i would trade ANYTHING to suddenly understand my schoolwork. i would trade anything to be considered smart. because then, i don't have to feel like whenever my mom calls me a failure that it's justified. i hate this so much but i have no choice but to live through it and face failure.

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anonymous Home March 02, 2021 at 4:03 pm 0 1