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[61010] March 7th

Mar 7

Today was just awesome, you sat on your phone all night after dinner, given I was behind me computer but even when I showed you a video I was so adamant about you didn't take your eyes of your phone for more than a few seconds. I would have rather have you told me that you don't care for the video than to see what you did. Given I should have gotten the point because I had already sent it to you and you didn't even view it. What hurts is knowing that if ross or one of your friends send you a video you will watch it no matter how long. But if it's something from me? Good luck.

Tonight we laid down at 10 and given I knew it probably wouldn't happen but I sat there and rubbed you for a solid 10 mins and you knew exactly what my intentions were. But instead of just saying no you just said kenneth and then you moved. I get it. I understand. You've been on your phone ever since you laid down and haven't even tried to acknowledge me. To the point that I have to repeat myself so you can hear me. You're so wrapped up in your phone that I got up and turned on the fan for you with not even the attempt to thank me. I am laying right behind you and you don't even notice me. What's the point of US? what am I to you? When you can't even TRY to spend quality time with me? HA. Who am I kidding, this relationship we have is built on WHATEVER YOU WANT, whatever YOU need at this moment. It's in built on YOU. If YOUR hungry YOUR the priority. if you don't feel good YOUR the priority. If you are in pain YOUR the priority. But what about me? If I'm in pain? Suck it up if I need something? NO.
If I want something? NO.
I could just keep going on.

I understand you're not sexually attracted to me probably like you were before. You swat me away you tell me no, you look at me disgusted now if I ever so slightly suggest anything sexual. But when we first started dating, it would be an all night type of thing, even during the day, during my lunch break. ANY TIME. But once we got married it came to a sudden halt. You once told me that you would make sure that you could satisfy me in every way you could, and for a man, those words are gold. Those words and actions will literally make a man bend over backwards for you. You even looked at me in shock when I told you my ex wife would put out maybe 2-3 a month. But what have we turned into? You've done the same thing to me. You've built me to think I could get it so often but when you did a complete 180 on me about sex, I became the greedy sex hungry asshole.

I'm sorry that what I make you feel sexually probably isn't exactly what you want, and if my touch just doesn't do it for you anymore. But keeping me around for the sake of whatever you can call our relationship hurts, I can't even touch or cuddle you with out you saying to get to my side of the bed. So why do we even sleep in the same bed? Why do we put ourselves in this situation to make a chance for an argument. I don't think you realize what you're doing to my head but you're literally running games on me is what it feels like, one moment you're all about me touching you and rubbing you and then BOOM! Complete 180, you're disgusted by me touching you.

I just don't understand you need to be clear with me, but that would be the day. That day will never come regardless of if I tell you or I don't tell you.

Your touch in my body feels like fire, sometimes it burns so good, but other times I feel pain, I feel the lies scratching at my body, I feel the hidden secrets rip through my skin but I don't know how to tell you. Even when I touch your body it feels the same way. I can. Rub your body and feel the warmth and love radiating off your body but then within a few moments I can feel the secrets, the lies, and all the hidden truths, that not you told me but that I had to figure out or be told. I don't know what you think and I don't know if you think that what has happened with this whole situation can be swept under the rug but I don't think it can. You obviously are just trying to overlook it with out discussion because you seem to think all it will bring to the table is attitudes and fights, but have you thought of what it will do emotionally to your body and head and my body and head. This hurt you on many levels, but you don't think it did the same thing? You think now I can sit back and believe what you say to me? Because you didn't do "anything" with him. Yet you sat there and deleted your texts from him for sure and you lied of almost all facts of going to his house and the times of certain things. Like when you drove his truck and parked it and how you came home directly after that, which I know is a lie because I watched you park it at 130 and you came home at 3.

Or when you "fell asleep" at his house and your phone was dying so you had to ignore me till 3 am? Too easy of an excuse, knowing you had a charger in your truck.

I wish the roles were flipped I wish there was a situation like this where I did this to you and you could just feel, just the slightest of what I feel. But you sit here and say how much you trust me and how much you love me and know I wouldn't do that. But I honestly think if roles were switched you would freak out too. You couldn't handle what you've done to me happen to you and maybe that's why you are trying to act sweet? I don't know.

The pain you've put me through with all your lies and how me touching you in your sleep is justification for staying out at the dudes house is right makes no sense to me. You put these situations together like there suppose to be but there two different things completely.

When was the last time YOU kissed me and said goodnight? When was the last time YOU kissed me and said have a good day. When was the last time YOU were the first person to text me and tell me good morning. YOU DONT DO THAT BECAUSE YOU DONT MAKE ME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE BUT YOUVE ALREADY ACCEPTED THAT FACT AND WILL NEVER MAKE ME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE. you can TELL me all day that I'm your number one priority or how much I mean to you. But YOUR actions never prove it. YOUR actions never ONCE showed me I'm a priority in your life. IVE ALWAYS BEEN NUMBER TWO, TO EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE AND AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO DENY IT, YOU CANT.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm sorry for what our relationship has become.

Posted 2 weeks ago

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